MAD RAMBLINGS OF A STRESSED MUGGER

In the midst of all the studying, I think my mind snapped somewhere along the way. But in all the madness, I think I've come up with some brilliant discoveries/ideas. Well, they are in my mind, not necessarily yours.

Fresh laundry is sooooo warm. It's a great way to keep frozen hands warm for a little while. Of course, I know one other way of warming my hands which is way more effective but we make do with what we have. :(

I've decided to grow my boobs. So I've been drinking tons of soy milk, especially the Vitamilk brand one. I hope it works. haha.

Ok, I'm officially nuts.

The pain of realisation: the knowledge that no matter how much you try to soften the hard edge of reality, you know that you cannot hide forever; Learning to accept the truth.

All my life, I've pushed to be the best that I can be, reaching beyond; always on the lookout for that extra I can do that will distinguish me from the rest. I am competitive: it is my coping mechanism that helps me deal with one of my biggest fears - being ordinary.

I hide behind a false mask of bravado. Every morning, no matter how much it kills me to, I put on my cheery face and my armour that presents me to the world as a confident person and I pretend that I'm tough. I need the world to perceive that nothing's wrong with in my world. I'm like any other girl, I have my insecurities. I possibly have more than the average girl but the difference is that I'm good at hiding them.

I've always believed that no one is going to look out for you, and so you have to be strong for yourself. Over the years, I've fallen and hurt myself so many times but I always pick myself up and move on. I do go through periods where my self-esteem takes a nosedive and this is about the time of the year when I really start feeling that I'm too tired to go on and I just need someone to lean on.

I know that I'm luckier than most and that I should count my blessings (which I do) but the perfectionist in me will always pick at my flaws and wonder if things would be better if something was changed. Those who know me well, can see beyond my false front of confidence. They know that I sometimes run myself down and are always telling me to have more confidence. This is something that I have a tough time dealing with. I will always be my harshest critic.

Still, when I think about how I have such high expectations and yet I am unable to beat the competition, it depresses me. Before I've fought the battle, I know I have lost.

I look at her and I see how beautiful she is, and knowing she plays such a big role in your life, it makes me feel really ugly and insignificant in comparison. It's not that I'd ever try to replace her but knowing that those are the standards that exist, it makes the gap between me and her all that more greater.

And then, I look at the other her in my life and knowing how beautiful she is to others in general, I feel that fear growing inside of me: that you will see her and fall for her. Even knowing that she would never recipocrate the feelings because she would never do anything to hurt me isn't enough to make the sick feeling in my stomach go away.

These are the things that add to the growing chasm of insecurites within me. I am scared because I think I am like the proverbial toad lusting after the nightingale: I want more than I deserve. Even though I'm not good enough and you could do so much better, I still harbor that tiny sliver of hope that things could happen.

The realist in me of course, has stilled myself against expecting anything. But that doesn't stop the insecurities from writhing around my brain, mocking me with their sibilant tones.

It's always good to end the semester with a bang. Well, I did it. My first semester of my postgrad is over. Now, I just have to shoulder through exams. In any case, we had a preview of the upcoming celebrations by the time-honored tradition of having drinks on the last day of the sem.

Friday night started out with a birthday dinner treat by Chuan at Pepper Chilli. The food was excellent and Chuan was extremely generous; lobster noodles, abalone hotpot, peking duck, wasabi beef, etc. It was a good feast. I was supposed to go to Poly after that but I had other stuff to do.

Jac, Noel, Shuan, Gene, Me, Chuan (The birthday boy) and Waiying.


I also had drinks with Janice at Manchuria where we had the best bartender ever. Keegan introduced us to the absolute best in drinks! And he was friendly too!!! I know alcohol doesn't solve problems but sometimes, it gives you the dutch courage to do what you have to do.

And the day drew to a close on a more solemnnote but I think, at the end of the day, losing precious sleep on the last day of uni is nothing compared to stepping up and dealing with the problems in front of you. Eventhough I felt that I was hurting my own self in doing it, you have to be cruel to be kind; not just being cruel to the person you are trying to help out but being cruel to yourself as well. To say I'm not gutted to have to say what I did would make me a liar.

In other circumstances and in another time, I think it could have ended with a happy ending. Not that I wasn't tempted. At this point in my life, I was so tempted to take the easy road out but I know it's not the right thing. And I was never one to compromise on something so important.

So, I guess, to you...

I just hope that you really do find the courage to do what you know is right and you'd understand why I have to distance myself from you for now. I need you to stand on your own two feet. I can't coddle you forever, eventhough it's second nature for me to do so.

But things aren't all bad. I accompanied Janice to the carwash today and after, we swung by the city for lunch and to pick up Brian's present. I must say that I'm quite pleased with the choice. Let's just hope no one becomes a copycat and buys the same thing. In any case, I picked myself up something along the way as well. I've been dying to get my own set and now I have. I'm $225 out (and I'm not exactly flush now) but I'm the proud owner of my own set of Frank Miller's SIN CITY. (yeah, baby!)

It cost me a pretty penny but it's soooooooo worth it!

Oh, and on ending note, WELCOME HOME, ERIC! You've been missed. :)

Passive-aggresive warfare pisses me off. I hate it when someone's a real bitch but doesn't have the guts to come out and say it to the person's face.

Three words,

Bite me, bitch.

Black fingernails, red wine
I wanna make you, all mine
A lot of people, under ground
You wanna get there
You gotta go straight down
o-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh
There’s a culture, everywhere
Smoke clouds, hang in the air
So loud, can’t hear you talk
You and I,
Should take a walk downtown
o-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh, downtown
o-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh
The argument over God, continues
This hell on Earth
All of us stand and point our fingers
At the ground
All of us stand and point our finger
so-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh
Red letter day, black heart
It’s gonna tear you, all apart
So loud, can’t hear you call
You and I,
Are gonna fall straight down
o-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh, downtown
o-oh o-oh, straight down
o-oh o-oh

-"Black fingernails, red wine" (Eskimo Joe)

In the midst of my depression, today was a rare day where the sun did manage to break through the clouds. I think the people around you really make a difference. In my time of need, I've come to realise who I automatically turn to.

Eventhough Jan-Jan is younger than me, sometimes, she's like my 'mommy'. I do love her dearly. She's really, really been there for me. And when I got into that horrible thing, I remember the first thing I wanted to do was call Eric. Funnily, eventhough he's always joking around with me and 'bullying' me with his 'abusive' ways, he's very much like a 'daddy' to me. He takes care of me and helps me when I need it. I really do miss him. Come back soon, Eric!

And there's Cynthia and Yvie who are like my older sisters and help cheer me up. Having dinner with them and Zita today was so much fun. It really helped me to take my mind off things.

Of course, I've also made some good friends this semester like Audrie, Bec, Jay and Sami. Not to mention other mates like Sandeep, Asish, Shirley, Louise and Michael.

And not forgetting friends like Nina who is like my little sister.

And also Annie (Ann Tai) who always has a compliment for me and is always so cheerful and cute; Shing Fuh who is a really sweet guy. They came to dinner last night and I had so much fun. :)

So, I guess, while my skies are grey, there are always those who help to push the clouds away and make life all that more easier to bear.

I'll be strong and make it through.

Man...

I just got back from something that was definitely an eye-opener and a new experience for me. It wasn't what I expected but the finale was mind-blowing.

Thank you, Japan!

And some final words...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHUAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you had fun. I'm quite sure you did. *wink*

Every street is dark
And folding out mysteriously
Where lies the chance we take to be
Always working
Reaching out for a hand that we can't see
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me
Invitation to the last dance
Then it's time to leave
But that's the price we pay
when we deceive
One another
She opens up for free
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's
holding me
Look at the talkbox in mute
frustration
At the station
There hides the cowboy
His campfire flickering
on the landscape
That nothing grows on
But time still goes on
And through each life of misery
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me

-"Hold on Hope" (Guided by Voices)

I want to believe that I can make it through this. I really do.

Out the door
Just in time
Head down the 405
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 am
The phone rings in the car
The wife is workin hard
She runnin late tonight again

Well I know what I’ve been told
U gotta work to feed the soul
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I knowI’m no superman
I’m no superman

And you've got your love online
U think you're doin fine
But you’re just plugged into the wall
And that deck of tarot cards
Won’t get u very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well I know what I've been told
U gotta know just when to fold,
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
I’m no supermanI
’m no superman

You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all?
I need u here with me
Cause love is all we need,
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
That I'm no Superman
I’m no superman
I’m no superman
(Some day well be together)
I’m no superman(Some day)
(Someday well be together)
(Someday)
I’m no superman

-"Superman" (Laslo Banes)

Right now, I can safely say that I really envy the people who are fortunate to have someone special to lean on. When I started this semester, I knew that it was going to be tough and being on my own, would make things a little harder. I did my best and tried to suck it up; waking up each day and not letting myself sink into any semblance of pathetic weakness. It worked most days. Right now, what I really need is for someone to just give me a really big hug and just let me pretend everything is ok. But wishes are just that - they don't happen just because you want them to.

So, I guess, no matter how hard it is, I'm going to have to fight for that second wind and pick myself up; a little more battered, a little more scarred but the important thing is that I keep moving on.

For the people who are lucky enough to have someone special: you really need to treasure that person. You have no idea how precious they are till you're standing out there in the cold alone, reaching out for a hand to hold, and knowing that no one is around.

Oh, well imagine
As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor
And I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words
"What a beautiful wedding
What a beautiful wedding,"
says a bridesmaid to a waiter
And, yes, but what a shame
What a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore."
I chime in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of
Oh, well in fact
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean, technically, our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast
So pour the champagne
Oh, well in fact
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean, technically, our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast
So pour the champagne, pour the champagne
I chime in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?
"No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
Again
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
Again

-"I write sins not tragedies" (Panic at the Disco)

As I sit here writing this, my life is falling apart, little piece by little piece. It's nothing major but the little pieces are starting to show in the huge gaps that make up my life. I'm scared because I don't know how things got to be so bad. When did my life start to disintegrate before me like this?

I've been so busy, I didn't notice that I was falling apart and now I'm fighting to pull what's left together to keep going. The insomnia is back with a vengeance; when I do fall asleep, the sun's normally already out. I'm so tired the rest of the day, I spend my waking hours just longing to go home and crawl in bed. I just want to hide in there forever, and not face the world. Because every second that ticks by, I'm afraid that another thing will go wrong.

At the assessor's earlier, I felt this growing sense of nausea and my head was pounding. Internally, I was just screaming and screaming. I just wanted to run into a wall.

With my friendships, I am wary that with the stress of things, one wrong word or action can change the dynamics of the relationship, and my biggest fear is that things will be changed forever and not for the better.

And I realised at the end of the day, I didn't want that apology from my friend. I just wanted things to be good again. Where other factors wouldn't come in and complicate our friendship. I want to be able to know things between us can be good again. I know I'm fighting for our friendship to be good but at this point, I don't know if distance is something that is needed to buffer this stressful time, or if I should try and spend more time with this person. I know that this person has the ability to upset me greatly. Because I do care deeply for this person. And sometimes, I know I do things that I wished I could have taken back. I just wish I could do something right to make things good. That's all.

With my family, it's a constant chore to pretend to be upbeat and say every week, that everything is ok. I don't want them to worry so I just say things are going swimmingly. On paper, things are. I'm studying the hardest I've ever and I'm on track. That's all they need to know.

With my personal life, I'm confused with what I want. My entire life, any prospects on this front have been wrought with disappointment. I'm wrestling with my feelings; wondering if I'm just at that stage in my life where I am getting needy and therefore, am just desperate for affection, or if I really do have feelings for the person. I just don't want to set myself up for further heartbreak and disappointment again. I don't even know if I'm pushing things a bit far or if I am at risk of making our friendship awkward. I know I'd rather keep the friendship than push for something more. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't wish for more. I keep wanting and "expecting" more and when I don't get it, I am disappointed. But there's no one but myself to blame for wanting more.

With my spiritual life, I know that I've failed as a Christian. I've pushed GOD further down my list of priorities these past weeks and it's not a good feeling. I feel guilty. Watching the Da Vinci Code (despite it's anti-christian sentiments) made me think about how GOD has done so much for me, but I've turned my back on him, relying only on myself. All I know, is that I've sunk so deep and I just really need GOD to come into my life now and spark something inside me because I've been dying inside.

And physically, it's all manifesting in my system crashing. The lack of sleep, the loss of appetite, the constant feeling of numbness and cold. The increasing moments when my heartbeat accelerates for no reason. The churning in my stomach that makes me wish I could puke but I can't. The tension headaches that kill. The now routine crying in the shower.

In a sea of people, I'm still extremely lost and alone.

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love

We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light

We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got

We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One
One

-"One" (U2 & Mary J. Blige)

Sometimes it's not enough to want something so bad. No matter how much you want it and pray for it, you still can't get it. I don't want to hold on to a false hope but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it.

I think "Sorry" is just five little letters, but it is the hardest thing to say. One of my greatest peeves is punctuality. I hate it when I tell someone to turn up at a certain time, and they arrive late. Today, I arrived at Crown extra early because I had the responsibility of collecting the tickets. When the appointed time came around, no one was there! I was so angry. But I decided to wait for awhile. After a ten minute grace-period, NO ONE had called or texted me to say that they would be late, which just compounded things further. So, I sent a text out asking where they were. One of them had the decency to call and apologize. The second person I called had surly undertones and didn't even apologize for being late.

Needless to say, by the time they arrived, I was feeling quite angry. It's one thing to be late, it's another to arrive and act as if nothing happened and it's your every right to be late. Look, I know delays happen and people get caught up on things but I think that COMMON DECENCY and COURTESY calls for you to call and apologize or if not, you apologize upon arrival, especially if you see that the person who has been waiting for you is clearly not happy.

I was civil enough to say thanks when I was given money for the tickets but I was boiling inside. I was going to introduce my friends to my other group of friends but upon receiving their tickets, they just walked off without a word. Do you know how irritated that made me feel? Suddenly, I didnt' feel like a friend. I felt like I was just a ticket buying service. It just felt wrong and upset me. After the movie, they left without saying bye. But they happened to see me while they were walking away and waved bye. Let's just say that by then, I was incensed enough not to want to wave bye.

Maybe I'm petty but I think that a simple 'sorry' for being late is not a hardship. But you refused to even offer that basic courtesy. I just felt really upset about that. Honestly. I was initially going to tell you that but I was adviced not to make a big deal out of it. So I'm not going to do it. I won't make you say 'sorry' if you don't feel the need to. Because there is no point. If you do feel like saying it, the ball's in your court. It really does not matter anymore. At the end of the day, there is just so much I can take.

I'm sorry if you had a bad day but don't take it out on me because I wouldn't know if you had a bad day or not. I'm not clairvoyant and you didn't tell me or explain to me. All I can say is, nobody likes to be taken for granted. I don't want to fight with you over this. Although, lately, I've begun to feel that it's the little things that have been chipping away at the edges and I don't know how it got this way. I'd like to think that our friendship is not going to fall apart over this. But I don't have the answer. It takes two hands to clap and I can only leave it in your hands now. I just wish we could clear the air once and for all.

The evening wasn't all bad. Sami and I actually got to spend some quality time together. I did get lost coming out of the Crown Carpark but I found my way and we went down to Notturno's for a late dinner and some good D&M.

But the worst was yet to come...

Standing out there in the rain, I couldn't feel the cold and I just felt so bad. Whatever happened earlier in the evening was forgotten. It was just insignificant in comparison. My stomach churned and I could feel my heart beating really fast. At the police station, it was warm and toasty, but nothing was getting through my numbness. I could hear myself talk but I was far, far away.

Even Sami's hug didn't bring me much comfort. A million worries were just racing through my mind. It was just horrid. I was so scared my hands were icy. Even Sami's hands weren't enough to thaw my hands out totally. On my way home, I was just so anxious and distracted that I lost my way (again!) but thankfully, I found my way home.

It's almost four in the morning and I just got home. I'm tired and I have uni tomorrow but I don't think I can sleep. I worry that we're not going to be friends anymore. But I know I won't back down because I think there are some things that have to be done a certain way. I worry about the terrible thing that happened and how I'm going to deal with it. I wonder who I can tell or if I should even tell anyone. And it all just adds to the stress of my upcoming exams and the other existing worries already swirling in my mind.

Help, God, I'm drowning.

Over and over I look in your eyes
you are all I desire
you have captured me
I want to hold you
I want to be close to you
I never want to let go
I wish that this night would never end
I need to know

Could I hold you for for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever,
forever

Over and over I've dreamed of this night
Now you're here by my side
You are next to me
I want to hold you and touch you taste you
And make you want no one but me
I wish that this kiss could never end
oh baby please

Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

I don't want any night to go by
Without you by my side
I just want all my days
Spent being next to you
Lived for just loving you
And baby, oh by the way

Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I have this kiss forever
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

-"Could I have this kiss forever" (Enrique Iglesias & Whitney Houston)

Today has been a blissful SFA day, academic-wise. I had trouble sleeping last night. I think it's an accumulation of 5-6 weeks of insufficient sleep: my brain has reached a point where it functions on a sleep deprivation schedule, making me automatically get up after four to five hours of sleep. In any case, last night saw me sleepless till about four thiry in the morning. Then, I got up and called Estee in the U.S. It was sooooo nice talking to her. I really miss her!!!!

After making fish soup for Yvie, (Gosh, it really is stinky...) I watched Oprah while waiting for her to call me for lunch. I haven't watched Oprah in so long. Daytime television is actually quite good. Haha. We did lunch at little Collins and ended with dessert at A/X. Chocolate & Hazelnut crepes with double cream. Hmmmm...Sinfully good.

I guess the highlight of my day was finding a pair of chocolate-colored slouch boots that fit over my jeans and the price was so attractive - $69.95. Yay! Bargain!

Then, I came home and sat around. Yong came by and he brought ingredients to fix me dinner. (Again!) Tonight we had steak with mushroom & red wine jus, and baked potatoes. For dessert, we had Apple Crumble. OMG. I feel so ashamed that Yong can cook so much better than I can! I was going to take a picture of Yong in my pink Happy House Apron and upload it but he threatened me with grevious bodily harm...So sorry, folks.)

*OUCH* I've just been poked to death by Yong. So, I now have to EDIT my statement and clarify that Yong cooking me dinner WAS the MAIN HIGHLIGHT of my day, and not the boots. (There, are you happy now, Yong? I swear you and my friend, Eric, must be related. What's with the poking and man-handling?)

And after hours of shoving my boots in Yong's face and fishing for compliments while watching 4 episodes of Las Vegas, it's time for me to head to bed. I've got to be up by five tomorrow to bake mississippi mud cupcakes before heading out to pick Noel, Chuan, Waiying and Gene. We're headed to Yarra Valley for some wine-tasting and a little something special. Heh.

Laters...

Bake of the Day: Corn and Paprika Muffins!!

You got me counting the seconds
It happens every time
I'm waiting for the moment
we can sit down and talk for a while
And every time that you're near me
my heart is running away
How can I tell you
when words don't come easy
and there is so much I'm trying to say

I wanna know that love will surround us
and you'll share it with me every day
Tell me you'll care for me now and forever
I'll give anything to hear you say that
I'm more than a friend

I'm gonna try in the future
not to live in the past
I guess that I was a dreamer
if I thought it could ever last
But every time that I see you
you bring me out in the sun
How can I hide it when we are together
I just know that you're the only one

I wanna know...
I wanna make you see everything
you are to me
Try to understand I wonder if you can
The love I have for you will always be true

"More Than A Friend"(MLTR)

I've found the song that sums up my life as the Un-Mary. Although I think I've stirred up a storm my raising this theory of Mary/Un-Mary with Nina. She's so obsessed with it now! I don't know why she finds it so fascinating though. It's something I've known for sometime, especially since I fall under the latter category.

Anyway, Wednesday May 17th is the day I mark as the day I'm done with assignments (for the semester)! I can now fall unconscious for more than my pithy four hours or less. Then, I have to get back to the serious preparation for exams. Eeks.

Still, to celebrate, I went into MUFFIN MANIA mode. Haha. I had dinner with Waiying, Chuan, Noel and Gene at Kayu in Boxhill. The Nasi Kandar is like the nasi padang in Singapore. The Roti there was by far the best I've tasted in Melbourne. *DROOL* Anyway, on the way back, I had this brilliant idea that Noel should come bake with me, which he did. But Waiying said I had to drive the muffins over to Chuan's after that. So demanding!

I baked 1.5 batches of Mississippi Mud Cupcakes and a batch of Corn & Paprika Muffins, of which most were taken kidnapped by Noel. We did a Muffin run to Yvie's & Cyn's, and to Nina and Sarah as well, before proceeding to Chuan's.

I must say, that Chuan is getting more demanding like Waiying. Despite me being so kind as to drive the muffins over, he still dare to ask why no carrot cake? When we got into the house, Waiying asked the same thing. Aiyoh. At least, Gene was just silly from a sugar high, and couldn't stop laughing like a maniac. It was a hysterical house that I left at two thirty this morning for home.

Oh, on a happier note, I'm watching Da Vinci Code on Sunday evening. With EIGHTEEN people. It's a combination of friends, which should prove interesting. I just bought the tickets on my credit card, so nobody better FFK me. *GLARE*
And now...blessed sleep!!!!

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
My heart for you is true
Let no one take that from you
Time is running tight
Can't change from wrong to right

So I'll close my eyes and dream a little
Just like how we used to be baby
Its time to say farewell now
No need to cry of feelings
Oh it's alright
I'll end the end of lies

Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you

Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can change my world from black to white
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little more

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you

Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can get me straight to fight
Till the sky is burning
It's the end of time
Look ahead tomorrow
Long and winding road
Keep the faith of mine
Don't let it go
You're the only reason
That I'm growing cold
What would I do
Without you

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you

Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can make my world so bright
Life no longer ends here with you in my heart
In my heart...

"Let Me Die" (Nicholas Tse)

When you held my hand, I'd wished it were for real.

Did God create evil? {a true story based on a logical argument. You need to read to the end to find out the second student’s name}

A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."

The student became quiet and did not respond to the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The other students snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

A true story.

I believe
In the faithful and true
And I believe in silly things
Like everlasting love

Once again
You broke my heart (you once again with me)
Other days the pieces fell together again
But this time it's different
Cause today my heart is beyond repair
So it bleeds
Cause darling, you slipped away
Much too easy for me…

When the loneliness inside me
Turns to pain
I'll drink my heart to sleep
Just to see you once again

-"Let Me Die Young" (Taxiride)

I think failure is the most bitter pill to swallow. I've tried and I've tried; still, I fail miserably. I shouldn't even have to try. Things should fall into place if it's meant to be. I wish it could work out that way for me. Every step I've taken to improve myself; everything I've strived hard to master and perform with excellence: all just so I could shine in your eyes. None of it made a difference.

The constant praise from friends and acquaintances who tell me that whoever gets me is a lucky man but none from you. Not one word to acknowledge a single thing that I've strived so hard to achieve. All for what? Because a silly part of me thinks that if I can be the consummate home-maker, maybe you can look past my physical and character flaws, and notice me as more than just a friend.

I mock others for being so eager to please. What a hypocrite I am. How dare I judge others when I've been guilty of it all my life? This competitive drive? This need to do things for others? It's all just so I can 'prove' to myself that I'm needed, that I'm not nothing.

It's tiring sitting on the edge. Wondering when (or if) you'll ever notice me waiting on the sidelines. The foolishness of a naive heart that believes one day, he'll take his eyes off the headliner and notice the girl in the chorus line who's been kicking her highest and smiling her brightest; not for some movie star or millionaire but for the ordinary Joe who lights up her world.

Sometimes, I think not being a "Mary" can get painful. But we all have our roles to play in life and somehow, I just never could be a "Mary", no matter how much I want to.

Belated Congratulations to Eric for graduating!

These photos are really late but I only just got them from Eric. Look at how happy Eric is. He so deserves it after slogging for 6 years! Anyway, I was really, really touched to be invited to his graduation lunch and finally get to meet his family. His sisters are really cool. I look crappy, as usual. On hindsight, maybe the red coat wasn't such a good idea.

Oh! Check out this totally awesome Hello Kitty Shower Clock Radio. And it's PINK too! Eric and Jan gave it to me today when we were at Koko Black's for chocolate. I soooo lurrrrrve it! Now, if I can just get the battery panel open, I may be able to put batteries in and actually use it. Heh.

The force of the Hello Kitty grows stronger as my collection of Hello Kitty stuff grows. *evil cackle*

Ooooh, and speaking of cute stuff, I've been really stressed of late. So to allay that, I've been baking like mad. I think my IMM group assignments are in heaven. We've had two group meetings this weekend and I've fed them three consecutive meals: Saturday lunch and dinner; Sunday lunch. I've cooked Coke Chicken, Japanese Curry, Bak Kut Teh, Pilaf rice, mushroom pie and baked Mississippi Mud Cupcakes for them.

Of course, I made some for Eric and Jan-Jan too. Hee. (Brian too.) Pretty right? These ones here are for Sami and some of my other coursemates tomorrow.

Everything you do will come back to you
Whatever you say,
you'll have to answer for it one day
You've caused so much pain
Why did you do it again?
Whatever you say,
you'll have to answer for it one day
But you can't erase the scars and the shame
It's a long way `til the end of your day
And when you've locked yourself out,
where will you stay?
When you've locked yourself out,
where will you stay?
The trouble you've made brought sorrow and rage
I know you can't run from all
the evil things that you've done
Her body is bruised, her feelings abused
I know you can't hide
`cause what you did will stay on your mind
There will be no peace or comfort to find
It's a long way…

-"Where will you stay" (Weeping Willows)

This is it. Rock-bottom. I feel like the worst scum.

All of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

-"Me and You" (Lifehouse)

I feel like a star.

Not a celebrity but the actual thing. These past weeks, I have faded and burnt out. I'm no longer there but people can still see me because I'm a hundred light-years away.

The problems have just been piling up but I say nothing. There are those who know that I'm going through a tough time but they don't know exactly what. This is my own fault. In my bid to salvage some semblance of pride, I've internalized most of my problems. I choose to reveal only what's enough to satisfy those who worry that I'm alright. It's easy to let the words fall from my mouth: these false words of assurance that yes, I am taking care of myself; yes, I am eating; yes, I am sleeping more, etc. I do not wish or want to become an emotional burden on others, especially, knowing that they, too, have their own problems.

And over time, it got easier to smile in artifice - practice makes perfect as they say. I hide behind a mask with a smile etched on it. It makes the world easier to deal with; if you were to ask me why I'm punishing myself as such, I cannot answer you. I cannot explain how a piece of me died and I don't know how to fix it. The superficial assurances offered to me, the concerned looks, the "are you ok?" questions: at the end of the day, mean nothing. A river of words can never replace a single, silent act. It's what you do that matters, not what you say.

This troubles me. In the past, I had someone to depend on for such reassurances; knowing that even if we never talk about it, you'd know just what to do to make me whole again. This time, it's my turn to return the favor, and it's a small thing to ask for the many times you've helped me through my darkest moments. The coward in me dares not pick up the phone and extend the comfort that I know you need.

Only once have you ever broken down in front of me before. One moment where you showed me that I was the one you turned to first, in your time of need. To say that I was touched, is an understatement. I know you never show your emotions openly and any sign of weakness is intolerable by you. For you to break down and cry to me, I knew I was someone who you truly trusted. Too much time has gone by and every day that goes by, it makes it harder and harder for us to speak.

What if the status quo has changed? And I no longer hold that place in your heart that I used to? Will my calling make things worse or better? If I open the door to my heart again, do I stand to hurt myself all over again, or make things even harder for me? These are the questions that relentlessly swirl around my mind in the deep of the night. They hover at the edge of my mind, taunting me the whole day: whispering words of cruelty that make me feel bad that my cowardice and need for self-protection has made me into such a selfish person.

I internalize all of these because I am leery of being a burden to any of my friends. But there comes a point where the internalization process becomes too much to bear; still, I force myself to hold it in.

We're tied to our memories
They won't let us stray
We're not gonna lose ones
We made yesterday
We look to our future
And we make all our plans
As if we control what is out of our hands

The world keeps on turning
I'm learning to see
Right where I am is where I have to be
You can't count the pages
All ages hear the call
No matter how hard we try
Life gets away from us all

We start getting older
The moment we live
Look over your shoulder
There's hindsight to give
Come good days and bad days
The sun's gonna rise
So why look beyond what's in front of your eyes

No matter how hard we try
Life gets away from us all

-"Life gets away from us all" (Clint Black)

It's certainly been Black Thursday for me. If the stress of two assignments due tomorrow is not enough, I had to deal with my car battery going dead on me. I tried getting help from my neighbour and while he was very helpful, there wasn't a whole lot of good he could do for me when the battery is dead. So, I had to call RACV, become a member and they came over to fix my battery. I then spent half an hour driving around, charging my battery. Jeez.

I also happen to look really bad today. My coursemate told me that I looked like I had been crying the whole night. I didn't know how to answer and so I didn't. There are some things better left unsaid. I just want to get assignments over with. I'm just so tired.

A Black Sweater (English Translation)

A black sweater
The memories of two people
After the rain has passed
It is even harder to forget
Forget that I still love you
You don’t have to mind
The tears only just happened to be falling
I was already waiting at the bottom of the valley long ago
I know I cannot keep you from leaving anymore
And I know I must have a backbone
I am thankful to you
For letting me possess the beauty of autumn
Watching that white dragonfly
In the air it forgets to go forward
Can I still
Reweave
The memories that are pilling in my mind
Say I love you again
Perhaps the rain won’t stop
The black sweater
Where is it hidden?
Then just let the memories stop there forever

-Jay Chou

Today was such a long day. I can't believe I'm still up. After a full morning of doing assignments and talking to my best friend, Estee, on the phone at the same time, I rushed off to uni for classes. Incidentally, Estee, if you are reading this, I hate you. How can you rub it in that you're watching sitcoms while I'm slogging away?!?!??!?! Ok, fine. I don't hate you. How can I hate you? You're too loveable. Teehee.

This week's MPS seminar was excruciatingly boring and the challenge to stay awake as I sit in the front row was extremely hard. I wish I could say that I went home after that and had a hot shower and fell into bed. Instead, I went to Alan Gilbert to meet Sami to do our assignment. Why do I have two assignments due on Friday????? ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Just walking to Alan Gilbert killed me. It was so freaking cold. I hate winter. I hate it, I hate it. By the time I got there, even the ample warmth of the building wasn't enough to thaw me out.

Fortunately for me, the perpetual cold hands-sufferer, I have found something better than a space heater - body heat! Specifically, Sami's hands are soooooo warm AND he's kind enough to lend them to me so I can thaw my hands out. *LOL* I know, it's terrible of me to exploit my friends but I figure it's a fair trade. I let Sami call me a 'control freak' and he can be kind enough to thaw my hands out for me. Ok, I'm sounding a bit illogical here but forgive me, when it comes to rational coherent thought, there's only one expression left for it: "Elvis has left the building..."

Still, the important part is that we got our part done! Yay! AND IT'S NO THANKS TO A CERTAIN WANKER WHO HAS DONE NOTHING EVENTHOUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM EFFORT! Hopefully, Piotr won't need much help piece-ing it together and we can hand it in on Friday with minimal trouble. Now, I just need to focus on my MM assignment. Oh dear sweet GOD, I really need a miracle to pull this through. I don't want to fail this assignment.

I've been so wigged out that I made carrot cake cupcakes in the shape of hearts when I got home. Unfortunately, they didn't come out as good as they normally do. How could I put not enough sugar in them? Damn it! Still, at least the flowers on them are pretty, I guess. *SIGH*

Ooooh...An aside! I saw Jay with her boyfriend at safeway before. Hmmm...he seemed nice if vanilla. Ok, I know it's mean to say but it's true! And hey, vanilla can be nice. Whatever rings your bell huh? It did get me thinking about what's going to happen when Jay goes back for good at the end of this semester. They met in a rather romantic manner, so let's hope there's a romantic ending. LDR are really hard. I should know.

Now, if I can drum up the courage to pick up the phone, call him and actually talk to him, I'd be good. But I can't. I know it's the polite thing to do. Even my mum tells me it is the right thing to do. But I just can't. It scares me too much. It's been over a year. I've finally started to get the hang of not holding on and I'm terrified that just hearing him say "Hello?" will be enough to make the fragile pillars I've put up to help me go on, collapse. I think maybe even if he wasn't perfect in reality, he's been immortalized as perfect - THE one - in my mind. It'd be hard for anyone else to measure up.

As they say, you'll never stop loving the first.

At the end of the day, I think all the good intentions just end up making me feel worse about myself. Every time a girlfriend starts thinking about setting me up with someone and does so with the best intentions, I get that feeling of dread. Occasionally, I get that slim glimmer of hope that maybe this time it will work out, but most of the time, I just feel sad inside. I honestly feel that even the best yentas will fail when it comes to me. Set-ups for me generally end in failure. The guy normally has no interest in me and worse, either likes someone else that was there as well or likes my girlfriend who wants to set me up.

With experiences that all fall along this similar trend, it's little wonder that I have stopped believing anyone could be interested.

I wish I had more self-confidence. I wish that the so-called confidence that I purportedly exude was more than a false front. I never understood how people could view me as such when the reality is that I’m a bundle of insecurities. Sometimes, I’m wound so tight from the anxiety of putting forward the wrong foot that the symptoms physically manifest within me in a toxic cocktail of stomach cramps, nausea and a pounding headache. This semester, I added to my stress load by turning into a competitive Asian. I used to be more laid-back in my undergraduate but now, it’s just a race to show that I am better. I do not know where this intense urge to push myself came from but whatever it is, it is driving me to miss meals and sleep; with the fatigue comes the increasing self-disgust. I look like a walking corpse and feel like one too.

I think I’ve reached the stage where it’s not enough to compete academically. I feel the need to change more, do more and push myself more. I want to test my limits and surpass them. For once, I’ve started caring enough about my physical appearance that I’m taking an active role to do something about it. I’ve stopped caring how I reach my goal as long as I reach my goal. And you know, the pangs, the fast-beating of my heart, the insomnia all pales in comparison to the end goal. That is my new philosophy. It’s the end-result that matters and a little pain along the way does not hurt. At the end of the day, the exhaustion just anaesthetizes any suffering for me, or maybe I just cannot be bothered anymore. This selective apathy pleases me.

Maybe I’ve finally learnt to stop caring so much that it hurts.

-English Translation-

The moon like a wolf's fang
She is languished
I raise my cup
Drinking all the wind and snow
Who overthrew the previous life cabinet?
Provoking dust and gossip
The word formula of fate
Reincarnating a few times
You frown
Crying that your young beauty cannot be called back
Even if the annuals of history have already become ash
My love won’t be extinguished
Flourishing like three thousand waters flowing east
I only take one ladle of love to understand
Only loving the butterfly you incarnated into
Your hair is like snow
Leaving sadly but beautifully
Who is moved by my burning incense?
Inviting the bright moon
Making memories clear and bright
Love is perfected under the moonlight
Your hair is like snow
Fluttering tears
Who has become old by my waiting?
The mundane world is intoxicated
The years of being slightly drunken
I use no regrets
To carve a stone tablet for my eternal love for you
La er la
La er la
La er la er la
La er la
La er la
La er la er ah
The bronze mirror reflects no evils
Tie a ponytail
If you are wild
This lifetime I fill a wine cup to accompany you

-"Fa Ru Xue" (Jay Chou)

This is my favorite Jay Chou song. I listen to it all the time in the car. It's perfect especially when I'm driving home late at night, which is most of the time. The MV for this song is ab fab. So in love with it and by extension, Manchuria (because the place looks like the set for this song!) I'm in such a maudlin mood.

The reality of examinations has hit me early this year. I had my first anxiety attack in marketing management seminar today. *OMG*

try as he might
he's unable to speak
he grabs her by the hair,
he strokes her on the cheek
the bed is unmade
like everything is
dark little heaven
at the top of the stairs
take me like that, ruin it all
then build it again
by the light in the hall
he drops to his knees
says please my love, please
i'll kill who you hate,
take off that dress,
you won't freeze

one more night,
that was a good one
one more night,
i dreamed it was a good one
one more, one more night,
that was a good one
one more night,
the end should be a good one
a good one

he starts with her back
cause that's what he sees
when she's breaking his heart
she still fucks like a tease
release to the sky,
look him straight in the eye
and tell him that now,
that you wish he would die
you'll never touch him again
so get what you can leaving him empty
just because he's a man

so good when it ends,
they'll never be friends
one more night,
that's all they can spend
one more night,
that was a good one
one more night,
i dreamed it was a good one
one more, one more night,
that was a good one
one more night,
the end should be a good one
a good one

-"One More Night" (The Stars)

This is another song entitled "one more night" as well. but it's a whole different song. I love it. I've been playing it over and over.

i come to your town
like thirsty lips to a cup
i come to your town
and i wanna call you up
i don't know how i feel
but i hope you feel the same
i've broken every speed limit in your name
sometimes i just wanna bury my head in a hole
tell me do you have the kind of touch that can console
i wanna hold my hands over my eyes during the scary scenes
will you stay with me at night and stand guard over my dreams
will you stand guard over my dreams
you feel like you're out on a long limb
like you've risked it all
but i'll go out there with you
and when the bough breaks
the cradle will just fall
i'd rather go down knowing what it was like
than to keep myself company
one more night
one more night
and i've got something new
something i didn't have before
you were a big dark room
a room without a door
if you will shelter me
i will fill your vacancy
we don't even need the walls, the ceiling, or the floor
and i've got something for you too
something you probably don't need
you can buy it for the pictures, baby
find out its a real good read
i just hope you still want it
cause i'm bringing it to you
i'm gonna come to your town
i'm gonna call you up
then i don't know what i'm gonna do
you feel like you're out on a long limb
like you've risked it all
and if the bough breaks
the cradle will just fall
i'd rather go down knowing what it was like
than to keep myself company
one more night
one more night
i come to your town
like thirsty lips to a cup
i come to your town
and i'm gonna call you up
i don't know how you feel
but i hope you feel the same
i've broken every speed limit in your name
and sometimes i just wanna bury my head in a hole
tell me do you have the kind of touch that can console
i wanna hold my hands over my eyes during the scary scenes
tell me will you stay with me at night and stand guard over my dreams
will you stand guard over my dreams
will you stand guard over my dreams....

-"One More Night" (Ani DeFranco)

In the midst of a dream, my subconscious mind made me reach out for you. Only when I wake up in the cold once again, do I realise that you left a long time ago.

It's been awhile since I've put up pictures. So here's one of me. (I know it's a bad one...) This is basically me after I had my hair cut. Of course, this is me with my hair all nicely styled by the hairdresser.

I caught up with Nina and Sarah for dinner today. I was in need of a pick-me-up, so I decided to go for a drink and dragged Nina, Sarah and Siew with me. Of course, Sarah being Tenessee the dry state, didn't drink. Nina and I are both Louisiana, the perpetually un-dry state. Hee hee. The jury is still out on Siew. Anyway, we went to this really cool bar that reminds me of Jay Chou's "HAIR LIKE SNOW" mtv. So cool. It's called Manchuria. I found out about the place thanks to Cynthia and Yvie who brought me there on Thursday.

This is Nina and I enjoying our South Shoreditch Sling(s). Notice my new hair without the hairstyling. Yes, I know my eye circles are bad. That is what a lack of sleep and food do to you.
This is Siew who ordered the same thing and Sarah pretending to be drinking. Haha.

Yvie and Cynthia! This isn't the most flattering picture I have of them. They look much better in person. But it's the only half-decent picture I have of them. So here you go...Pictures of my older sisters-cum-Mommies. :)

I've had a pretty hard time this semester thus far, but the journey has been all that less tough because I have friends who have lent me their support and given me their love in times when I've really needed it. I may not actually see my friends 24/7 because we've all been busy with our own things but when I needed I was at my lowest, God has sent them my way to show me that it's not that bad.

So, I guess this entry is about how blessed I've been and to say thank you to the people who have given me the motivation to pick myself up when I fall down.

My heartfelt thanks to (in no particular order):

1) Waiying because eventhough she's busy with assignments, she took time out to cheer me up in the middle of the night and following that,

2) Chuan who offered to come over and fix my lightbulb and did it the very same day and drove me to watch a movie.

3) Eric because eventhough he took the longest time to fix my lightbulb, he redeemed himself by fixing the second bulb that blew and washing my car for me today despite the freezing weather!

4) Janice because her sweet smile and hugs always makes me feel loved and for her 'pedantic' cleaning of my car's interior

5) Yong for lending a shoulder to cry despite the late hour and the fact that he had his own problems to deal with

6) Noel for caring enough to ask if I'm ok

7) Cynthia for cracking me up and making me go out so I don't turn into a total hermit and for the lovely food (And also for nagging me to eat properly)

8) Yvie for her all good advice and support, and for calling me for coffees or little breaks constantly (and for the constant concern about my sleeplessness)

9) Estee my best friend who is half the world away but still encourages me to be strong and leave everything to GOD

10) Sami who once I start talking to, I can't stop. Just hearing him say 'hellooooo' is enough to put a smile on my face. Also because he's been so nice about my tardiness in producing my part of the assignment

11) My coursemates who just make me feel that I belong

12) Amelia who is the sweetest girl ever and I'm so glad that I have an 'older sister' like her in my life

13) Joanne Khoo who askes me if I am ok after reading my blog

14) Ann who always compliments me eventhough I don't always think that the compliments are justified and who always has such a warm hug for me

15) Nina who tries so hard to be a good friend to me and always has words of encouragement (and Sarah and Siew too)

16) Fern for msn-ing me every once in awhile

17) Corn for all the pretty frequent phone calls he makes which goes on for hours and often consists of me ranting and bitching

And all the other people who have made an impression in my life and touched my heart. If I don't say thank you or seem to acknowledge, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate your kindness because I do deeply.

My Siow Kor and Uncle George are in town for the weekend. It's really great seeing them. Of course, having to make time to see them also meant that I've had even lesser sleep than I already am having, cos I had to rush my assignments through the night. But the sleepless nights aren't all to waste; I just got my one of my assignments back and my hard work paid off - I scored a H1 for my International Marketing Management essay. Yay! I'm delirious to joy to realise that I'm not that stupid...

I'm tired now. Sleeping time. Although the reality is more likely that I will attempt to fall asleep only to jerk awake in about less than four hours, worrying about the other stuff I have to do. *SIGH*

It's been so long since I had proper meals and for a self-confessed foodie, this is something you'd never expect me to say. I've always loved my carbo but after weeks of surviving without much of it, I think I'm being weaned of it. Mimi came over for dinner and in my boredom while waiting for her, I decided to cook something. I made Black Pepper Chicken and Mushroom rice. I think Mimi spooned a portion way too big for me. In the past, I would have easily gobbled it down but in the time it took Mimi to finish her share, I barely managed to finish half of mine. Even so, I regretted eating so much because I felt sick and nauseous the whole night. It got to the point where my head started aching.

The only thing that made me feel better was throwing up. My stomach's a bit sore from heaving but I feel better. As if a heavy weight was lifted from the pit of my stomach. I guess my stomach has shrank from my decreased food intake. It's a good thing. I've lost quite a bit of weight recently and people have commented that I'm looking better. I'm glad that I've started being more conscious of what I eat and how much I eat.

It's become a bit of an obsession. I used to weigh myself very rarely but now I weigh myself daily. Watching the weight fall is boosts me emotionally. I may not be able to control the other things in my life that are falling to pieces but I can control what I put in my body.

5 down, 8 to go...

It's not that hard. At least, it's not that hard anymore.

At a stoplight in the middle of the night,
Stuck in first and I wonder if I should stay
The right is history and to my left the choice is right
But this seems a little bit too hard
And all the questions come running through my mind
- will I see this another way?
The simple truth is i'm falling, falling down,
and I don't want to drag her through the bottom
Then she says,"Sit in front of me,
turn around you'll see, I'm all you'd ever want,
all you'd ever need,
Come back into my world, you know I'm always yours"

And she makes so much sense,
when she says "don't throw this away"
Its hard to know whats real when it all seems wrong
But I promise you I'll find whats going on
I just need to follow the sun before
I'll know if I'll see this another way

The simple truth is
I'm falling, falling down,
and I don't want to drag you through the bottom
Still you say "Sit in front of me, turn around you'll see,
I'm all you'd ever want, all you'd ever need,
Come back into my world, you know I'm still your girl"
And she makes so much sense,
when she says "don't throw this away"

Isabell she treads so lightly, floating in her gypsy dresses
Even though her words cut deep I can't deny the truth in them
On the phone she talks a lot and me, I listen hopelessly,
So directionless, I head into oblivion.
And then I decide to give another random memory,
To remind her of the first time we sang out to the sea
Oh isabell, you always understood me,
Please isabell, forgive me now.

...and all the questions come running through my mind
- will I see this another way?
The simple truth is I'm falling, falling down,
and I don't want to drag you through the bottom,
No I don't want to drag you through the bottom.

-"Falling Down" (Ben Jelen)

I got my exam timetable today. It really sucks. I literally have exams for the whole of the exam period. I've got papers on 13th, 19th and 23rd June, with one tentative take-home exam on the 1st. I know I should be happy that I've been given ample time to study but I can't help but feel that I'd be burnt out by the middle of it. :ARGH:

I called my best friend, Estee, this morning though and it made that world of difference in making my day that much better. I haven't seen her in about a year and I miss her terribly. But hearing her voice on the phone, it just made me so happy. I've been so worried about her cos' it's hard for us to talk on the phone due to the time difference. I love that girl so much, I swear. We're going to try and make it a weekly thing to call each other. Hopefully, the weekly calls will get us both through the year. I can't wait to see her at the end of the year...

I finally met Asish's housemates - Sandeep and Tad (spelling?) - today. They are really nice people. Yvie met them as well and thought they were nice. We saw Vinay as well who honestly, has just been weird. I don't know what's up with him, whether it's stress or not but "all's not well in Gotham City" in his case. Oh well...

Then, I cooked dinner for Cyn and Yvie. That was pretty cool. Very spur of the moment but I didn't want to eat alone. I've been so stressed of late, it's the first proper meal I've had in ages. But now that I've got my timetable, I'm going to try and ease up a bit before I end up killing myself before the exams even start.

I'll try harder to take better care of myself.

I'm just utterly exhausted.

And finally the silence
Looking out, looking back across the sky
Trying to find a meaning
Knowing that I just left it all behind
Still I smell a lingering softness
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me

Come on
Without you
I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on

Thinking back before her
I never knew the meaning of alone
Still the flag is feeling foreign
I live the day to escape into a phone
Speaking of a world not real then
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me

Come on
Without you
I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on

Cause each of her kisses
How my heart misses
She's coming
She's coming here to me
I'm needing
Desiring to kiss her now
I'm living for her
Breathing for her
Singing for her fairytale

Come on
Without you
I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on

Come on
Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on...

-"Come on" (Ben Jelen)

And I know even if you were never mine to have or that you belong to someone else now, you still fill a space in my heart. Even if it makes me sad, all I want is for you to be happy.