The pain of realisation: the knowledge that no matter how much you try to soften the hard edge of reality, you know that you cannot hide forever; Learning to accept the truth.

All my life, I've pushed to be the best that I can be, reaching beyond; always on the lookout for that extra I can do that will distinguish me from the rest. I am competitive: it is my coping mechanism that helps me deal with one of my biggest fears - being ordinary.

I hide behind a false mask of bravado. Every morning, no matter how much it kills me to, I put on my cheery face and my armour that presents me to the world as a confident person and I pretend that I'm tough. I need the world to perceive that nothing's wrong with in my world. I'm like any other girl, I have my insecurities. I possibly have more than the average girl but the difference is that I'm good at hiding them.

I've always believed that no one is going to look out for you, and so you have to be strong for yourself. Over the years, I've fallen and hurt myself so many times but I always pick myself up and move on. I do go through periods where my self-esteem takes a nosedive and this is about the time of the year when I really start feeling that I'm too tired to go on and I just need someone to lean on.

I know that I'm luckier than most and that I should count my blessings (which I do) but the perfectionist in me will always pick at my flaws and wonder if things would be better if something was changed. Those who know me well, can see beyond my false front of confidence. They know that I sometimes run myself down and are always telling me to have more confidence. This is something that I have a tough time dealing with. I will always be my harshest critic.

Still, when I think about how I have such high expectations and yet I am unable to beat the competition, it depresses me. Before I've fought the battle, I know I have lost.

I look at her and I see how beautiful she is, and knowing she plays such a big role in your life, it makes me feel really ugly and insignificant in comparison. It's not that I'd ever try to replace her but knowing that those are the standards that exist, it makes the gap between me and her all that more greater.

And then, I look at the other her in my life and knowing how beautiful she is to others in general, I feel that fear growing inside of me: that you will see her and fall for her. Even knowing that she would never recipocrate the feelings because she would never do anything to hurt me isn't enough to make the sick feeling in my stomach go away.

These are the things that add to the growing chasm of insecurites within me. I am scared because I think I am like the proverbial toad lusting after the nightingale: I want more than I deserve. Even though I'm not good enough and you could do so much better, I still harbor that tiny sliver of hope that things could happen.

The realist in me of course, has stilled myself against expecting anything. But that doesn't stop the insecurities from writhing around my brain, mocking me with their sibilant tones.