Oh, well imagine
As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor
And I can't help but to hear
No, I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words
"What a beautiful wedding
What a beautiful wedding,"
says a bridesmaid to a waiter
And, yes, but what a shame
What a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore."
I chime in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of
Oh, well in fact
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean, technically, our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast
So pour the champagne
Oh, well in fact
Well I'll look at it this way
I mean, technically, our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast
So pour the champagne, pour the champagne
I chime in with a
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?
"No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
Again
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
I chime in
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality
Again

-"I write sins not tragedies" (Panic at the Disco)

As I sit here writing this, my life is falling apart, little piece by little piece. It's nothing major but the little pieces are starting to show in the huge gaps that make up my life. I'm scared because I don't know how things got to be so bad. When did my life start to disintegrate before me like this?

I've been so busy, I didn't notice that I was falling apart and now I'm fighting to pull what's left together to keep going. The insomnia is back with a vengeance; when I do fall asleep, the sun's normally already out. I'm so tired the rest of the day, I spend my waking hours just longing to go home and crawl in bed. I just want to hide in there forever, and not face the world. Because every second that ticks by, I'm afraid that another thing will go wrong.

At the assessor's earlier, I felt this growing sense of nausea and my head was pounding. Internally, I was just screaming and screaming. I just wanted to run into a wall.

With my friendships, I am wary that with the stress of things, one wrong word or action can change the dynamics of the relationship, and my biggest fear is that things will be changed forever and not for the better.

And I realised at the end of the day, I didn't want that apology from my friend. I just wanted things to be good again. Where other factors wouldn't come in and complicate our friendship. I want to be able to know things between us can be good again. I know I'm fighting for our friendship to be good but at this point, I don't know if distance is something that is needed to buffer this stressful time, or if I should try and spend more time with this person. I know that this person has the ability to upset me greatly. Because I do care deeply for this person. And sometimes, I know I do things that I wished I could have taken back. I just wish I could do something right to make things good. That's all.

With my family, it's a constant chore to pretend to be upbeat and say every week, that everything is ok. I don't want them to worry so I just say things are going swimmingly. On paper, things are. I'm studying the hardest I've ever and I'm on track. That's all they need to know.

With my personal life, I'm confused with what I want. My entire life, any prospects on this front have been wrought with disappointment. I'm wrestling with my feelings; wondering if I'm just at that stage in my life where I am getting needy and therefore, am just desperate for affection, or if I really do have feelings for the person. I just don't want to set myself up for further heartbreak and disappointment again. I don't even know if I'm pushing things a bit far or if I am at risk of making our friendship awkward. I know I'd rather keep the friendship than push for something more. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't wish for more. I keep wanting and "expecting" more and when I don't get it, I am disappointed. But there's no one but myself to blame for wanting more.

With my spiritual life, I know that I've failed as a Christian. I've pushed GOD further down my list of priorities these past weeks and it's not a good feeling. I feel guilty. Watching the Da Vinci Code (despite it's anti-christian sentiments) made me think about how GOD has done so much for me, but I've turned my back on him, relying only on myself. All I know, is that I've sunk so deep and I just really need GOD to come into my life now and spark something inside me because I've been dying inside.

And physically, it's all manifesting in my system crashing. The lack of sleep, the loss of appetite, the constant feeling of numbness and cold. The increasing moments when my heartbeat accelerates for no reason. The churning in my stomach that makes me wish I could puke but I can't. The tension headaches that kill. The now routine crying in the shower.

In a sea of people, I'm still extremely lost and alone.