North light comes uninvited
Through the window to where you lie
Disjointed, dust and silence
Quite at a loss

I feel strange
I feel changed
I feel strange
Overcome
Overcome by you

I fell in too deep
But I learned to swim
In an undertow
I sense I'm giving in

I feel strange
I feel changed
I feel strange
Overcome
Overcome

I'm a little bit wiser
I'm a little bit sadder
I'm a little bit less you might have guessed
But if you could be staying
Tell me now darling I think I'm fading
I swear I'll never trade your life for a lie

I feel strange
I feel changed
I feel strange
Overcome
Overcome by you

Overcome by you

-"Overcome" (Better than Ezra)


Just one little girl in a vast world. Sometimes, it all seems too much and I'd desperately wish that I could run for cover; hide away in my safe little corner and pretend that everything is ok. The world is perfect on the surface but the myriad of lines on my palms scream of a thousand worries that are left unshared.

I hide my face behind a mask.

I never saw a wild thing
Sorry for itself
A small bird will fall
Frozen dead from a bough
Without ever having felt
Sorry for itself.

-D.H Lawrence

Enough wallowing. It's time for an emotional Spring-clean!!!!

posted at 2:05 AM

You didn't care enough.

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart

And I don't know
But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel

You don't know
Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you

[Bridge]
Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
That you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
And let's get messed up and listen to probably...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

-"Mixtape" (Butch Walker)

Someone dear to me may have found the missing piece to his puzzle. All these years, I've hoped that I could be that piece; moulding myself and shaving off the rough edges in hope that I would fit. But to change myself would be to leave my true self behind and try as I may, I am not that missing piece.

Part of me is happy that he has found someone because no one deserves to more than he does. But another part of me, the one that I'm careful to shield from the world, is shattering into tiny little bits. When he had no one, I stood a chance but now, that element of hope has been erased. And so one good man leaves to join the ranks of those taken...

Why couldn't I be the one he fell in love with?

posted at 9:34 PM

Yesterday, while at lunch with Elaine, (Yes, we're all good now again! Yay!!!!!!!) she commented that I've grown more tanned this trip. Most people would take this as a compliment, unfortunately, the opposite holds true for me. I guess, it's true that I look healthier and less ghost-like or druggie-like, but I truly prefer myself to be as white as snow (nowhere near there by a long shot but we can always hope.)

To compound matters, this is clearly a view held by all the people that I've asked: I do look healthier now. *SOB*

In the words of one friend: "Au tampok buay si ay" (Black a bit won't die one)

The newly appointed 'Koge Pan' aka Me disagrees.

Note to self: Buy economy bottle of whitening product.

posted at 1:15 AM

Nina and I went to Stefanie Sun's concert on Saturday although we aren't big fans because I had complimentary tickets. Don't worry, Nina wasn't the only non-chinese there. But she was probably the only one who could understand what Stefanie was singing and SING ALONG as well (I can't do that, man...) That said, I have to say that Stefanie Sun is a talented singer although her dancing and costumes weren't to my liking...

I know, I know. I look like crap. My eyes like disappeared and I look so tired. This is what sleepless nights do to you...Nina looks bloody fantastic. SO pretty.

Is it just me...Or does Stefanie Sun look like a bunny rabbit here...

By far, the BEST part of the show if you ask me. The dancers weren't very good looking but their bodies were nose-bleed worthy. Especially this one. Haha.

posted at 2:16 AM

I believe this is heaven
to no one else but me and
I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here
to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day
when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Brother can't you see
I've got to live my life the way
I feel is right for me
might not be right for you
but it's right for me...
I believe...


The past few days have been trying ones for me. So I did what every other normal girl would do. I went for some retail therapy. I met up with Patricia and Hoiwen at Bugis Village to do some shopping. Unfortunately, other than serving as the occasional bag-holder and giving my opinion on clothes they tried on, I only bought one bag. It was a bit pricey at 50 bucks but I love it! I'm crazy over Cherry blossoms and this bag had very pretty ones hand-painted on them. Alright! I gotta new bag for uni!!! Totally awesome.

By the way, I had the nicest Chicken sausage with egg and cheese pancake at Bugis Village. Haha.

After Bugis, I headed to City Hall to search for my elusive Cream-and-Navy blouse that I saw with Nina on Saturday. I have to say, I had to visit four branches before I found it in the Suntec Outlet. I also bought 2 3/4 tops, two blouses and a cardigan. All in all, pretty good damage done to the wallet. I officially have 12 bucks left in my wallet. Bleh.

And my heart...it's still sore but it's starting to heal. A little.

posted at 1:12 AM

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

And even when you've paid enough,
Been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the
Good or bad faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

-"Be Yourself" (Audioslave)

In For Better or Worse, Lynn Johnston wrote that "the most profound statements are often said in Silence"

I'm tired of explaining myself because my defence falls on deaf ears. People hear what they want to hear and it is hard to change the mind of others when they decide to believe what they have concluded. The thought strikes me: That in pointing out the mistakes of others, we fail to see the hypocrisy of our own statements. It's so easy to judge others on their mistakes but all that more harder to see your own. A lie no matter how big or small, is still a lie. Saying that your own action is different because it is of a lesser magnititude, does not make it any less wrong. It merely allows you to superficially assuage your guilt when you point fingers. I remember reading somewhere that when you blame others, one tends to forget that the word "blame" ends in the word "me". Just as when you put the 'D' in front of 'Anger', it becomes 'Danger'.

A good friend, Waiying, told me that "we are not friends with people because they are easy to be friends with", we just are friends with them.

Friendships take effort and sometimes friends hit a rough patch; What happened between me and him, it's a personal matter that is meant to be settled between me and him. No one else needs to take sides or add their two cents' worth. I'm old enough to settle any problems I have with this friend of mine, on my own. But you couldn't give me the credit to have the maturity to deal with things in my own way. Instead, you were quick with the scathing words, scolding me in the manner of a parent who is reprimanding a young child. And that made me very angry. But even more than the anger, there was a sadness that you didn't think I would be able to deal with it the right way. Do you think that lowly of me?

And you know, I may not be perfect and I may not always do things right but I do what I believe is the right thing. The bottomline is: I TRY.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the Strong."

I could point all the times you have been quick to judge me based on what little you know of me. I could lament the many times you have managed to tear me down and break my spirit. I could keep score of all the heartbreaks you have caused me. But I choose to take the high road and say, "I forgive you". Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do. Maybe you always 'have alot on your mind' when you say these things to me...but how long do you think you can hide behind the same excuse? Don't take your anger out on me because I cannot be who you expect me to be. And don't compare me to others; Six billion people in the world and we're all created unique. If we were to start changing to fit a certain model, we'd be better of being clones.

"Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive."
-John Sheffield

I don't think you are perfect. I think you are far from it. But I don't judge you on your flaws and I don't love you any less because of them. I love you despite them. Can you do the same for me? Because what you are doing may be well-intentioned but you make it hard for me to continue loving you. There is so much pain that I can take, and never being able to measure up to your standards is a hard pill to swallow.

I watched the walls around me crumble
But its not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end
And my tears are turning into time I've wasted

Do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's gonna be alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

I can't be who you want me to be. I just can't reach your high expectations. And you have no idea how much you break my heart when you choose only to see the worst of me.

posted at 3:00 AM

You only ever get to see a SMALL part of who I really am. Who I really am, it takes time to really get to know. I never ever show my whole self to anyone. The only person who really knows who I am is GOD. I admit that most of the time, what the world sees is a facade. Because there is something in me who is afraid to show all of me. This blog...it only reveals a part of me that I am willing to show, one facade in a myriad of others.

I may not have mentioned it before but here is the thing, my biggest fear is rejection and for me, functioning under a facade or not showing all of me to the world, it is part of my defence mechanism. You can change or alter a facade but if the real me isn't liked by the world, how do I change that. I may be a coward for it but you know what? I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. I'm still finding my way in this world and if I choose to hide my weakness or fears behind a 'show of bravado', who are you to say that I'm wrong?

A while back, I wrote something on my blog about a friend who had disappointed me. And I've been judged on it; told off for being so quick to judge. But before you judged me, did you bother to read the earlier entries that led to me feeling that way: did you bother to read the subsequent entries that revealed that the entry had been written in anger and that I had come to realise other things? Did you talk to me and find out what is really bothering me? Did you ask me my side of it? Or do you just hear the snippets of conversation here and there and decided there and there to judge me?

All I can say is that when you point a finger at others, don't forget that one finger points at others but the other four point back at you.

Think what you want...I'm too tired to explain myself and constantly have to measure up to your high expectations of me.

posted at 1:33 AM

Do you know how it feels
When there's nowhere to hide
With the world at your heels
And no one's there by your side

Those who know me, especially Fernie, will say that I constantly moan about being old and still not finding THE ONE or at least, MR RIGHT NOW. But I've come to learn that age is just a number and I'm as old as I feel I am. It was a bit scary in the beginning, turning 22. But it's funnily turning out to be better than turning 21. (Hope I didn't speak to soon and jinx myself...*FINGERS CROSSED*)

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

There was all this pressure from having graduated and stuff, and I felt like my life wasn't 'on track'. The logical progression after graduation is to start work and find someone you want to settle with (or at least search for the person). I admit to being really anxious about it. This holidays has actually taught me that sometimes it's just good to enjoy what you have now and worry about the future later (or when it comes). I figured that my search for a new path or new horizons has been futile cos' I'm right where I'm meant to be.

There's a time in your life
When you find out what's real
And it seems that the past could be starting to heal
And it once seemed so wrong
And now you're okay

I've come to accept that singlehood can be a blessing and I guess, when the new school year starts for me and I embark on my post-grad degree, I'll be returning to Melbourne not with the mindset of looking for someone, but rather enjoying whatever life brings and if it's going to be a time for friends and not love, it's okay by me.



Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

Because somehow I believe, when the time comes, God will send me someone who was worth the wait and all the heartaches that came before. And maybe then, I'll know what it really means...

TO FALL IN LOVE.

I'm dying. Seriously. After Monday's killer session in the gym, I couldn't stretch without my abs aching. After today's session, I can't BREATHE without my abs aching. If Friday continues along the same vein, I think I won't be able to get out of bed on Saturday. Bottomline, no heels this whole week. My muscles are screaming in pain and begging for mercy. In any case, my migration agent sent me an email that has left me in tears of laughter...Considering that my abs already ache, I can assure you that the laughing fits causes pain. Serious pain.

Anyway, the gist of it is that I have to take an IELTS which is basically an English proficiency test for international Students. Trust me, when I read the email I was dumbfolded. I actually sat in stunned silence for a few seconds before the hysterical laughter set in.

HELLO!

In my mind, I have written a mental letter to the Immigration department of Australia...

Dear Australia Immigration Department,

The Singapore Education system is based in English and having gone through 13 (tortuous) years of its educational system, I believe that my command of the language is quite adequate. Further, having sat for the Cambridge GCE 'A' level examinations (It's a freaking exam from ENGLAND, your MOTHERLAND!!!), in which I obtained a 'B' for English literature (I had to bloody read Shakespeare, Chaucer and Dickens not to mention a whole slew of ladida war literature books!) and an 'A2' for General Paper, I believe that I have proved myself to be more than adequately proficient in the English language. For further reference, I have also sat for the SATs (AN AMERICAN EXAM!!!!!!!!!) and obtained a 730 for the verbal/written section of this examination.

After reading the sample questions on the IELTS website, I feel that it's not too bold for me to presume that I should be exempted from this examination: Especially since I already have to pay thousands of dollars for my migration, do I really have to pay an additional $280 for a test I could take in my sleep or pissed drunk?!?!?!?!? (Please excuse me. I can't continue this letter further because the hysterical laughter can no longer be contained.)

Cheers,
XXXX

Disclaimer: above-letter is by no means to be taken as more than a JOKE.

posted at 2:23 AM

So little time so much to do,
I'd wanna spend my days with you,
So little time so much to do
I'd like to spend one day with you,
And if that day is not enough,
Maybe we can stay in touch,
but i'm not making plans for tomorrow,
For tomorrow never comes.

Growing up makes you realise that separation is inevitable and those that you've leaned on over the years suddenly start pushing you away; You're confused: did you do something wrong? Or did something changed while you were gone and things can't go back to what they used to be?

I don't know what to say. Or maybe there's nothing left that can be said. I don't always understand but I'm still here to listen.

It hurts me that you say that I don't care. Because I do...very much.

posted at 7:56 PM

WHO WILL REMEMBER?

I deleted all the messages in my inbox, in preparation of the influx of birthday wishes that I expected to receive at the stroke of midnight. Midnight came and went, but my inbox remained empty on my phone. I guess I should not complain. Estee called me earlier during dinner to wish me Happy Birthday in advance and, Nina and Sarah both wished me in advance on MSN.

But still...the disappointment is hard to swallow.

After so many years, I should have gotten used to it. That somehow, I'll never be the girl who has friends who would plan a surprise party for her or do something really special or cool for her. Because somehow, something more important always comes along the way. An even a simple Happy Birthday text on the stroke of midnight is just too much trouble.

It only brings home what I've suspected all along. Most of the people who come to my birthday aren't there to celebrate me. They are just there for the food. Without an invitation to this year's birthday party, none remembered it is my birthday.

I'm sorry for being a petulant child but the silence leaves me in nothing but tears.

I am farking vain. I admit it. I went to get my eyelashes extended today. So, tomorrow if you see me and you like it, must compliment me ok? Hahaha. I spent damn alot of money on it but think of it this way, no need eyelash curler or mascara while it lasts! Oh yeah, Baby! See the picture below? Yah lah, the picture is a bit scary but can you see how long my lashes are now??? Nice right? Hor? Hor? HOR?!!??!!!!


This is my Mummy. I cannot believe she is turning 56 this year. She's still so beautiful. If I was 1/4 as beautiful as her and age as well as she did, I will be a very lucky girl. Come on, Mummy..Surely you got pass some of those good genes to me!!!

We had dinner at Meritus Mandarin Hotel @ Pine Court. Wah, I damn like this flower arrangment. SO nice and pretty yet simple. Did I mention I like LILIES? (The flower, not Kelvin's stupid girlfriend.)

This is a rather unflattering picture of Melvin and I. My brother is super sweet. He sneaked out of camp to make it for the family celebration of my birthday tonight. Do you think he looks nice in this shirt? I picked it out. He looks good in pink! AND he just cut hair. Not so ah pek looking now. Hahaha. My Mummy is a bad photographer.....*GRUMBLE* But it's ok. I still love her cos she has other good points like buying me a Mandarin Hotel Cheesecake to cut in the morning and another one from Pan Pacific for my birthday dinner. You ROCK, Mamma!
This dish looks like french fries hor? It's actually Sea Perch. Tonight's dinner was awesome, man! We started with Foie Gras (Wah, it was bloody fantastic. One of the best I've eaten...). Unfortunately, I was greedy and gobbled it down before I remembered to take picture. Haha.

I met up with Prawnie aka Amy today for coffee! I actually called her after I did my eyelashes and she was in town too! So we went for coffee. Also, I have no muscle ache at all, despite yesterday's first session at the gym. My personal trainer rocks. He looks like some Brazilian Footballer with his yellow and green Nike Shirt, bald head and bulging muscles. And his birthday is SAME as mine. So cool right?????

posted at 1:36 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006

For my girl Kelli in Taipei....Nah! Give you. Single NOW lei. ("hou man!" hor?) wahahahahahaha
Outside TCC..trying for a more 'atas' setting if we're gonna be the new O.C
Hmmm. Is there something we dunno?

Konichiwa...
Fern wants to star in the next Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf commercial.
At Long John Silver's @ Cineleisure...The local version of the O.C?
I got togged up but the rain and humid weather ruined everything. Sigh
Just us girls....Bitchfest!

I'm...Getting OLD.

Proof of that lies in my habits of late. 2005 ended with a bang, with two long weekends over Christmas and New Year's. I spent Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve in the same fashion; skulking around my house in my pajamas, watching Nickelodeon. The thought of braving the crowds was simply too much for me to bear. So I chose to be a hermit over the holidays. Now, if that's not a sign of getting old, I don't know what is.

I've been so tired of late. Each morning, I find it harder and harder to get up. There are days when I wanna wake up but my eyes just can't open. And when I finally do get up, I feel bone tired. I don't know if it's just physical exhaustion or an emotional breakdown as well. I'm just, well...listless.

I tried retail therapy on the 31st to cheer myself up. I spent over a thousand dollars on Shu Uemura products but that was like 30 seconds of cheer. Yesterday, I got togged up (rare occurrence these days) and met up with Fernie in the afternoon. We did some more retail therapy. I bought lovely Cherry Espadrilles from Guess and Nike cross trainers but still no great happiness. Met up with the rest of the boys for coffee later that night. It was slightly more encouraging.

Today, I met Pat for breakfast at Somerset and then we walked to the Middle Road Famous Tau Huay place where I saw Pat hoover up three bowls of tau huay at one sitting. Scary. Then, I caught Narnia with my mum. Gosh...Lucy grows up so pretty in the movie. Dinner at Plaza and now I'm home again...AND the whole day, I just felt sulky, listless and tired.

ARGH.

And tomorrow I have my first fitness session at the GYM at NINE in the morning. *SOB*

posted at 12:35 AM