Begging does not become me. It does not become anyone. And I'm ashamed to say, that I have fallen into that trap. You're a very selfish person and I'm relatively selfless.

I promised I wouldn't let your selfishness hurt me. That I'd learn to stand up for my wants and needs. But I guess I've been compromising too much and letting you get away with many things. Fair enough, you've made attempts to be more considerate of me but it still doesn't cancel out the shabby way you've been treating me.

To be honest, I've been really accomodating of you. But right now, I'm pretty f-d off with your behavior. And you know what? I'm not going to stoop to your level anymore.

Get F-d.

I wake up everyday and kill myself with my perfectionist behavior. I think that by out-performing everyone, I'm good. But I know that it is actually my fear of failure that is holding me back from my true potential.

On the surface, I appear to be:

Confident
Strong
Out-spoken
Focused
Self-Assured

But I am none of the above.

Under all the dramas, there is just a confused girl still trying to find her place in the world and who she truly is. I'm just good at hiding the tears behind a smile.

I needed you to put me before her. But you're too selfish to do it because you think I'm strong enough to handle it. Honestly, I'm not. And I kick myself everyday for telling you "in honesty" that I can.

You won't read this but I wish I could tell you that I wanted to be No.1 in your heart.

I'm in lust with a Latino Hottie...

Presenting Mario Lopez:

Today is Day One of Exam Hell. Instead of swotting like mad, I've done SFA.

I haven't been sleeping much of late due to assignments. In fact, I was sleepless on Wednesday and Thursday night because of my stupid assignments. Thankfully, my ordeal ended yesterday at 5.40p.m when we handed in our marketing research report. Yay!

Now, a logical person would have gone home to crash and burn. Now, as you all know, I'm rarely logical. So I happily decided to be a glutton for punishment and went clubbing with a friend instead. What was supposed to be an early night turned into an early morning as we left the club only when it closed. By the time I got to bed, the damn birds were starting to chirp.

I have to say that it was fun to have a night out with Rox, Ollie and Tina. What was not fun were the sleazy guys who came onto me. I had my ass pinched, a couple of guys grabbed me and some who tried to dirty-dance with me. But the worst was definitely the guy who tried to dirty-dance with me despite me giving him the cold shoulder. Persistent guy that he was, he just wouldn't give up and he was a bit "too interested" if you get what I mean... Euuuueeeeeeeeeewwwww.

Four years in Melbourne, and I've always been ignored in clubs but last night, I just turned into a sleaze magnet. Jeez. It's not as if I was all skanked up or anything. In fact, I went out of my way to be stand-offish and cold. It definitely lends credence to the belief that guys do like bitches. Incidentally, last night made me realise how old I am because I had so much fun sniggering at the antics of the club skanks. Haha. That' s how long it's been since I went clubbing.

Oooohh. And not to forget: Thank you, Nina, for the lovely company at dinner. It's been ages since we caught up. We'd have to do it again after exams. XOXO

posted at 4:54 PM

Some days I'm broke inside but I won't admit it.

Emotionally crippled but I'd never walk back down that road again.

Sometimes, it takes the perspective and insight of someone of the opposite sex to clear up any insecurities that one may have. In my extreme tiredness, I got to thinking some pretty insane and far-fetched thoughts. In typical girl-fashion, I indulged in an insipid case of self-flagellation that had no grounds.

Why did I torture myself wondering why I was not good enough to go out with him when the truth is, it could be a supermodel and he would still be incapable of commitment. The funniest thing is that, I don't particularly want to go out with him either. So, it all boils down to the issue of self-confidence, of which I seem to be sorely lacking of.

I don't need a man to validate my existence.

At the end of the day, if I had kept myself free from these idle negative thoughts, I would have realised that my life is fulfilling as it is with my work, uni, family and friends.

You know what...He doesn't matter that much anymore and I feel great.

The anorexia of my soul has changed to liberation. I'm not hung up anymore.

Thank you, Sami. I owe you one.

posted at 1:13 AM

A woman's downfall is that she will always be felled by her emotions. From what I see amongst most of my friends and acquaintances, the girl will always love the guy more than he loves her. A woman can say that she will not allow her emotions to rule her but she is lying or living in denial. At the end of the day, she will not be able to separate the emotional from the physical and she will end up hurt.

A woman's tears can make a man feel bad but it cannot guarantee that it will make him do something to make up for the tears he has caused her. I remarked to a friend that it takes a right woman to change a man but she corrected my assumption with the addition that it takes the right woman to make a man OPEN to changing.

And I wonder how long I'd last in this game. Because I think at the end of the day, my heart's too soft to play the consummate player's game.

I am a power bitch.

I know that he doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Yet, I want him to like me more than I like him. Because I want to be in the position of power. I want to know that I come number one in someone's heart.

But wishes are just that. I know that the way things are, it's not going to happen. At least, not now. So then, maybe I should just lower my expectations and say "F*ck it".

On a random note, here's an "arty" picture of me. I've been told it looks scary. Ahaha.

JOYCE'S WEDDING PART 2

The Newlyweds

Jo Khoo and I

Annie and I

Jo, Jus and I

Yvie, Me and Shing Fuh

JOYCE'S WEDDING: SEPT 2006 @ WINDMILL GARDENS, MELTON

Me and Wency

Kor and I before the ceremony

Yvie, Cyn, Me, Nina and Sarah

Baby Samuel (Yen's baby)

The Gwees: Tsih Ern, Me and Kor

posted at 10:24 PM

FALLSCREEK PHOTOS PART 2

Me and Princess Pansie aka My mazda 3

My brother and I at Hamilton's lookout on the drive home

Waiying and I goofing off

Literally falling in this picture
The seven of us at dinner at the Astra Lodge : Stephen, Vina, Anthony, Melvin, Chuan, Waiying and I.

posted at 9:44 PM

A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be
here with you
and everytime I think that
we're over and done
you do something that
gets me back lovin you
and you got me just torn

Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that
I should leave You alone

He didn't make me a promise and I didn't make him one either. We didn't plan it. It just happened. And now he wants me to give him two weeks to clear his head. Ironically, this time apart has the opposite effect on me - I'm distracted when he's not around.

I should appreciate that this time alone he needs is because he values our friendship so much but I think on some level I feel like I've been rejected. I hate that I've become so dependent on having him around that it's not quite the same when he's not there.

At the end of the day, I have to decide if I want to continue along this vein with someone who is selfish to the point that I will never come first with him, especially in lieu of the baggage he comes with.

Because I know I can only fall deeper.

The million dollar question is: how objective can I be and for how long? For now, I just want to take things as it comes and go with the flow but it's not a state that may last forever.

posted at 9:08 PM