Begging does not become me. It does not become anyone. And I'm ashamed to say, that I have fallen into that trap. You're a very selfish person and I'm relatively selfless.

I promised I wouldn't let your selfishness hurt me. That I'd learn to stand up for my wants and needs. But I guess I've been compromising too much and letting you get away with many things. Fair enough, you've made attempts to be more considerate of me but it still doesn't cancel out the shabby way you've been treating me.

To be honest, I've been really accomodating of you. But right now, I'm pretty f-d off with your behavior. And you know what? I'm not going to stoop to your level anymore.

Get F-d.

I wake up everyday and kill myself with my perfectionist behavior. I think that by out-performing everyone, I'm good. But I know that it is actually my fear of failure that is holding me back from my true potential.

On the surface, I appear to be:

Confident
Strong
Out-spoken
Focused
Self-Assured

But I am none of the above.

Under all the dramas, there is just a confused girl still trying to find her place in the world and who she truly is. I'm just good at hiding the tears behind a smile.

I needed you to put me before her. But you're too selfish to do it because you think I'm strong enough to handle it. Honestly, I'm not. And I kick myself everyday for telling you "in honesty" that I can.

You won't read this but I wish I could tell you that I wanted to be No.1 in your heart.

Daylight savings has ended and we've now lost an hour.

It is Day Four of my sleepless nights. I just got back from Eduardo's 30th birthday party. I have to say, Brazillians really do know how to party. I had so much fun talking with friends and making new ones as well. They're really affectionate as well. Saying 'bye' to everyone meant having to kiss everyone goodbye. And I got a lot of big hugs. This guy who I didn't even talk to wouldn't even let me leave unless I gave him a kiss goodbye as well. Apparently, that's just Brazillian custom. You have to kiss everyone. Hmmm....

I enjoyed drinking with friends both old and new; had girly talks with my "big sister", Claudia, Candida and Rita. I think one of my highlights was actually seeing Candida with Steph together for the first time. Their happiness just makes me wanna burst with happiness.

It's also been an ego boost. Claudia was scolding me about my self-esteem issues and even got a Brazillian male friend of hers to judge me on a scale of 1 to 10. Apparently, I'm 8/10 (9.5/10 if I take my coat off). Claudia was judged 6.5/10 which pissed her off. Oops. I also got rated 12/10 by Candida and Claudia. Claudia was also telling me that her boyfriend said that if he wasn't with Claudia and so in love with her, and he had to choose an Asian girl, he would have picked me. Awww...So, I'm thinking, maybe I should move to Brazil. haha. I've also realised that when you're really not looking, the offers start pouring in. One of Claudia's Brazillian friends was hitting on me all night. Although he's a nice guy and I enjoyed talking to him, I just did not feel the chemistry. But brownie points to him for trying.

And so it was another late night for me. It's now 4a.m and I still waiting for my hair to dry. Bleh.

I'm in lust with a Latino Hottie...

Presenting Mario Lopez:

Today is Day One of Exam Hell. Instead of swotting like mad, I've done SFA.

I haven't been sleeping much of late due to assignments. In fact, I was sleepless on Wednesday and Thursday night because of my stupid assignments. Thankfully, my ordeal ended yesterday at 5.40p.m when we handed in our marketing research report. Yay!

Now, a logical person would have gone home to crash and burn. Now, as you all know, I'm rarely logical. So I happily decided to be a glutton for punishment and went clubbing with a friend instead. What was supposed to be an early night turned into an early morning as we left the club only when it closed. By the time I got to bed, the damn birds were starting to chirp.

I have to say that it was fun to have a night out with Rox, Ollie and Tina. What was not fun were the sleazy guys who came onto me. I had my ass pinched, a couple of guys grabbed me and some who tried to dirty-dance with me. But the worst was definitely the guy who tried to dirty-dance with me despite me giving him the cold shoulder. Persistent guy that he was, he just wouldn't give up and he was a bit "too interested" if you get what I mean... Euuuueeeeeeeeeewwwww.

Four years in Melbourne, and I've always been ignored in clubs but last night, I just turned into a sleaze magnet. Jeez. It's not as if I was all skanked up or anything. In fact, I went out of my way to be stand-offish and cold. It definitely lends credence to the belief that guys do like bitches. Incidentally, last night made me realise how old I am because I had so much fun sniggering at the antics of the club skanks. Haha. That' s how long it's been since I went clubbing.

Oooohh. And not to forget: Thank you, Nina, for the lovely company at dinner. It's been ages since we caught up. We'd have to do it again after exams. XOXO

Some days I'm broke inside but I won't admit it.

Emotionally crippled but I'd never walk back down that road again.

The World Is Shrinking...

Or rather, this whole 6 degrees of separation thing is getting freaky. I went for a friend's birthday dinner treat this evening and although I've met her boyfriend before, never realised that he is the older brother of an acquaintance, P. I met up with R and her boyfriend, M, before heading to the dinner venue and we were waiting for another guy, J. Now, J's name is unusual for a boy, and so I wondered if it was the same person. Lo and behold, it was! Now, J is someone I went to high school with and he is friends with B, who is a friend of mine and the childhood friend of my really good girlfriend, J.

To add more confusion to the mix, R's boyfriend's, M's, younger brother, P, is going out with C, who is friends with another friend of mine, N. And I met knew N because her sister, also N, was my senior in high school. To make things more interesting, J, B, P and M all know my best friend, E, because she was going out with their good friend, D, for awhile.

And now I know why Friendster, WAYN, Facebook and all those similar websites are so popular. The world is shrinking. You can run but you can't hide. Everywhere you go, you'd meet someone who knows someone else you know. Eeps.

The New Flea Patrol: Pretty in Pink

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY: THE EIGHTIES

So, my company being a tight-arse one, decided to have their christmas party on tuesday, 17th october...it's a good night for the company because it's early enough that they haven't hired the christmas casuals and hence, they have lesser people at the party and it's Tuesday, which means it's cheaper to hire the place. Fair enough there was more drinks for the people who did turn up but with the lack of spirits, it really was not much of an alcohol fest.

Now, the company's been exploiting me for about 3 months now, so it's only fair that I get my free drinks...So if you're asking if I turned up for it, the pictures says it all...

A few of us from the CBD decided to get ready together at my place and here are the results:

This is my fave picture...Garth and I dressed as "BOY GEORGE" and Kim Wilde" respectively. My make-up is so tragic! Pink and blue eyeshadow and orange blush with red lippie. Yuck.

This is me with Katie, who's dressed as CYNDI LAUPER. Check out the mad hair and make-up. She even tie-dyed her own jeans!

This is Emma and I. I'm sure you can tell who she is. It's scary how much like ROXETTE she looks.

Last but not least, here's Beth dressed as JENNIFER BEALS from Flashdance. OMIGOD...look how big and scary her hair is...

Tashy went as MADONNA but I don't have pictures yet...Sad. Anyway, Emma, Liza and Katie went down to buy some food while we were getting ready and someone in the lifts asked them what party they were going to and Em said dead nonchalantly, "Nah. What party? We always dress like that."

BWAHAHA.

Oh yeah
It's not that I dont wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't want to have you in my life baby
it's just you gotta know that its got to be right baby
before I open up my heart to you
I dont need somebody to complete me

I complete myself
nobody has got to belong to somebody else
I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me
I gotta let you know before I let you in baby
that who I am is not about who I am with baby

That don't mean I dont wanna be here with you
I do
I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know I give all my love but
I'm not givin' all my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yeah
Love don't mean changin who you are to be
who somebody wants you to be
nobody has got to belong to nobody

Sometimes, it takes the perspective and insight of someone of the opposite sex to clear up any insecurities that one may have. In my extreme tiredness, I got to thinking some pretty insane and far-fetched thoughts. In typical girl-fashion, I indulged in an insipid case of self-flagellation that had no grounds.

Why did I torture myself wondering why I was not good enough to go out with him when the truth is, it could be a supermodel and he would still be incapable of commitment. The funniest thing is that, I don't particularly want to go out with him either. So, it all boils down to the issue of self-confidence, of which I seem to be sorely lacking of.

I don't need a man to validate my existence.

At the end of the day, if I had kept myself free from these idle negative thoughts, I would have realised that my life is fulfilling as it is with my work, uni, family and friends.

You know what...He doesn't matter that much anymore and I feel great.

The anorexia of my soul has changed to liberation. I'm not hung up anymore.

Thank you, Sami. I owe you one.

A woman's downfall is that she will always be felled by her emotions. From what I see amongst most of my friends and acquaintances, the girl will always love the guy more than he loves her. A woman can say that she will not allow her emotions to rule her but she is lying or living in denial. At the end of the day, she will not be able to separate the emotional from the physical and she will end up hurt.

A woman's tears can make a man feel bad but it cannot guarantee that it will make him do something to make up for the tears he has caused her. I remarked to a friend that it takes a right woman to change a man but she corrected my assumption with the addition that it takes the right woman to make a man OPEN to changing.

And I wonder how long I'd last in this game. Because I think at the end of the day, my heart's too soft to play the consummate player's game.

I am a power bitch.

I know that he doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Yet, I want him to like me more than I like him. Because I want to be in the position of power. I want to know that I come number one in someone's heart.

But wishes are just that. I know that the way things are, it's not going to happen. At least, not now. So then, maybe I should just lower my expectations and say "F*ck it".

On a random note, here's an "arty" picture of me. I've been told it looks scary. Ahaha.

BETH'S ENGAGEMENT

Beth's engagement was a blast. There was a lot of champagne and heaps of good company. I actually got to hang out with the people from work properly. Normally, I can't do that because at work, there's that invisible line between managers and staff. Having worked at all three CBD stores, I know my fair share of work people and managers. I'm just glad that my manager's engagement gave me time to bond with some really wonderful people and to also show them the real me, and not the perception they have of me based on how I look. :)

Darling Tash and I at my place - getting ready after a full day at work!

Darling Tash (cuddling Lutik) with Sweetie Ralphie... My fellow PPTs at Swanny!

Beth - My Manager whose big night it was tonight!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, HONEY!!!!

And this is my DEAREST, DARLING SWEETHEART, GARTH - the whole reason I'm with JeansWest. Love ya, hun!

Emma, Me and Lydia - Managers at Bourke and Melbourne Central.

The abundance of champagne made me really friendly - a good and bad thing - but it also made me very honest. Now that the champagne haze has gone, I've started to wonder if maybe rather than helping things, I may have actually done something wrong by being honest. I don't do things to deliberately hurt people but sometimes, I wonder if honesty is worth the hurt.

I know I bared my heart tonight. I just don't know if it was the right move to make. Because I've put myself in a position that is extremely vulnerable.

JOYCE'S WEDDING PART 2

The Newlyweds

Jo Khoo and I

Annie and I

Jo, Jus and I

Yvie, Me and Shing Fuh

OPRAH ON MEN
(courtesy of Fernie)
===========================

• If a man wants you, nothing can
  keep him away.
  If he doesn't want you, nothing
  can make him stay.
• Stop making excuses for a man
  and his behavior. . Allow your
  intuition (or spirit) to save you
  from heartache.
• Stop trying to change yourself
  for a relationship that's not
  meant to be..
• Slower is better. ALWAYS.
  Deal with your issues before
  pursuing a new relationship.
• Never live your life for a man
  before you find what makes
  you truly happy.
• If a relationship ends because
  the man was not treating
  you as you deserve then heck
  no, you can't be friends.
• A friend wouldn't mistreat
  a friend.
• Don't settle. If you feel like he
  is stringing you along,
  then he probably is.
• Don't stay because you think
  it will get better. You'll be mad
  at yourself a year later for
  staying when things are not
  better. The only person you
  can control in a relationship is you.
• Avoid men who've got a bunch
  of children by a bunch
  of different women. He didn't
  marry them when he got
  them pregnant, why would he
  treat you any differently?
• Always have your own set of
  friends separate from his.
• Maintain boundaries in how
  a guy treats you. If something
  bothers you, speak up.
• Never let a man know everything.
  He will use it against you later.
• You cannot change a man's
  behaviour. Change comes from
  within.
• Don't EVER make him feel he
  is more important than you are...
  even if he has more education or
  in a better job.
• Do not make him into a quasi-god.
  He is a man, nothing more,
  nothing less.
• Never let a man define who you are.
• Never borrow someone else's man .
  If he cheated with you, he'll cheat
  on you.
• A man will only treat you the
  way you ALLOW him to treat
  you.
• All men are NOT dogs.
• You should not be the one doing
  all the bending... compromise is
  a two way street.
• You need time to heal between
  relationships...
• There is nothing cute about
  baggage...
• You should never look for
  someone to COMPLETE you...
  a relationship consists of two
  WHOLE individuals...
• Look for someone
  complimentary...
  not supplementary.
• Dating is fun... even if he doesn't
  turn out to be Mr. Right.
• Make him miss you sometimes...
  when a man always know where
  you are, and you're always
  readily available to him
  - he takes it for granted.
• Never move into his mother's house.
• Never co-sign for a man.
• Don't fully commit to a man who
  doesn't give you everything that
  you need.
• Keep him in your radar but get
  to know others.

================================

JOYCE'S WEDDING: SEPT 2006 @ WINDMILL GARDENS, MELTON

Me and Wency

Kor and I before the ceremony

Yvie, Cyn, Me, Nina and Sarah

Baby Samuel (Yen's baby)

The Gwees: Tsih Ern, Me and Kor

FALLSCREEK PHOTOS PART 2

Me and Princess Pansie aka My mazda 3

My brother and I at Hamilton's lookout on the drive home

Waiying and I goofing off

Literally falling in this picture
The seven of us at dinner at the Astra Lodge : Stephen, Vina, Anthony, Melvin, Chuan, Waiying and I.

A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be
here with you
and everytime I think that
we're over and done
you do something that
gets me back lovin you
and you got me just torn

Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that
I should leave You alone

He didn't make me a promise and I didn't make him one either. We didn't plan it. It just happened. And now he wants me to give him two weeks to clear his head. Ironically, this time apart has the opposite effect on me - I'm distracted when he's not around.

I should appreciate that this time alone he needs is because he values our friendship so much but I think on some level I feel like I've been rejected. I hate that I've become so dependent on having him around that it's not quite the same when he's not there.

At the end of the day, I have to decide if I want to continue along this vein with someone who is selfish to the point that I will never come first with him, especially in lieu of the baggage he comes with.

Because I know I can only fall deeper.

The million dollar question is: how objective can I be and for how long? For now, I just want to take things as it comes and go with the flow but it's not a state that may last forever.