Appreciation is underrated.

I think at times, we really take alot of things for granted, especially so in the case of friends or loved ones. It's been a cranky day today. I couldn't sleep and went to bed at eight in the morning only to be woken up at eleven by the sounds of the rest of the house waking up.

I ran myself ragged with Yvie today running errands. The only highlight was the lovely chai tea and the massive E&B sarnie I had. Plus, the yummy yumcha my brother brought back for me. Hmmm...

Still, I've survived till now with less than three hours of sleep. And I'm feeling peeved. I hate it when someone's clearly fucked up your stuff and when you tell them politely, they not only refuse to apologise but they feign ignorance over their mistake. It's not a hardship to apologize if you did something wrong but apparently, some find it really hard to say it or maybe they are just oblivious to the fact that their mistake has very kindly been pointed out to them in a polite manner. I also hate it when you do things for others out of the kindness of your heart and after awhile, people start to take it for granted and expect you to do things for them.

It's freakin' B.S.

Self-awareness is clearly not present today in everyone.

In continuation of the previous blog...

There's a fine line between love and infatuation. While in the throes of infatuation, one can certainly not be faulted for mistaking it for love but eventually, you realise that what you feel is nothing more than a crush or passing fancy, despite the intense feelings and emotions involved.

I've had more than my fair share of crushes (and failed attempts at relationships) and I can say, they are just as painful as the real deal. Some may even say that unrequited love is a worser deal, especially if you follow the saying "It's better to have loved than not at all".

For the longest time, I've always considered the first guy I went out with as my first love, despite the fact that the relationship (if you could call it that) was short-lived and a clear, textbook case of "puppy love". Despite the bad end to our "relationship" - I spent years hating his guts - I eventually forgave him and I had a soft spot for him in my heart all these years.

Then, years after that disaster, I met someone. Our relationship wasn't quite the typical thing either but let's just say, this felt alot more like the real deal! I can't say I have alot of experience with BGR but I honestly feel in my heart that this one was THE ONE: my first (real) love. Sadly, he was also the one that got away but not without ruining it for me for every other guy. He is the guy who I use as my benchmark to which I compare any guys I meet and tragically, every one of them has fallen short. It's not that this guy is the perfect man but he was the perfect one for me.

I'm not going to lie: relationships scare me. I'm very insecure and I think I subconsciously sabotage any potential relationships I have because I'm scared that one day the guy will leave me, and I won't be able to handle it. Ironic really, because I get my fair share of heartbreak from unrequited love. But this guy, he made me feel like even if everything else was telling me to not risk it, I should go ahead anyway. Why? Because I believed in him. I really did. When I was with him, I felt safe. He made my heart beat faster but yet helped to keep me calm at the same time.

I never had that coveted number one spot in his heart even when we were together. Long before me, there was that someone who touched his heart and will forever be remembered as perfect. She was his best friend and his first love. But I had the second spot and it was the next best thing.

Two years has passed since we ended it and I honestly think he forgot about me a long time ago. But I still think about him constantly. He comes up in my conversations frequently. I still love him. And the truth is, I'd always love him. He was the one that truly touched my heart. I'm not madly in love with him anymore but he will always have that place in my heart.

On that note though, I'm still incorrigible. I still have crushes. But at least, I know it's just a crush and I let it flow its course without doing anything stupid about it. We all have to do something to pass the time.. but seriously, Thank God for learning from past mistakes.

I'm adrift in the emotional sea...

I'm not quite sure what it is that I want and I think one aspect of my life needs to take a break. For a long time, I've been seeking in the relationships department, whether it be actively or passively. But I've come to realise that maybe what I want is not what God wants for me, and I should just leave things be for awhile. It's difficult because sometimes, God does not answer your questions directly; in every thing that he sends your way, there is a lesson to learn. It's gotten me thinking: maybe I'm asking the wrong questions: ones that I am not ready to have answered; instead, I should be seeking the answers to questions that need to be answered first before I go on the fruitless quest I've been on.

I tried sticking it out at my old church because I had friends in Chuch but my pastor's sermons no longer spoke to me. It was time to leave. 11 years in a Catholic school and compulsory attendance at Mass means that I'm no stranger to the Catholic church despite the Methodist background I'm from; attending Mass at St Francis feels familiar and comforting.

At the end of the day, we just have to realise that it's all in God's Hands.

Plus-One is a tricky social situation... If you are in a serious relationship, that problem is easily solved; to not bring your significant other is to spend the foreseeable future in the doghouse. If you are single, therein lies an opportunity for you to further your association with that cute person you have just met and want to know better or bring a friend; in other words, a variety of options are available to you. Choosing who to bring though, can be a tricky business, as mentioned in opening; you risk being rejected or offending the person you didn't invite.

Of course, there's always the contingent plan of the pity invite. However, pity invites are precisely what they are - they are given out of pity- and no one likes to be an afterthought. Just today I was offered one but even then, the pity invite wasn't extended wholeheartedly. You can imagine how I felt; I imagine chopped liver must have been more appetizing than me.

I know I border on being a sookie lala now (forgive my hyper-sensitive state and chalk it up to PMS) but I couldn't help but feel a little upset; knowing that I'm not considered a good enough friend that any of those boys would have thought of inviting me as their 'plus-one' since I know a lot of people at the party.

*SIGH*

Night classes are a bitch...Your body clock is screwed and you eat dinner really late. Let's not mention the extreme cold you face when classes are over.

On the bright side, I've attended two of my four classes so far and I'm liking them. There are some familiar faces and some new ones as well. Here's to having better group assignment mates this semester. Although a certain someone has turned me off doing assignments with his kind, I find myself in a group for one of my subjects with three of them. I sincerely hope they will put in the effort to work hard for the assignments.

I have so many daylight hours to kill these days and my financial situation is basically keeping me home in case I'm tempted to spend money that I don't have. *SIGH*

We do not measure the number of breaths we take but the number of moments that take our breaths away.

A Life less Ordinary is what we all seek for - whether it be a blatant pursuit or a secret desire held lovingly in the heart. The seconds of the day pass with relative speed; rushing by when time is precious; trickling slowly when you can do nothing but sit and wait.

The waiting game is excruciating torture: hanging in a fine balance between fulfilling dreams and plunging into abject dismal if things fall through. When you pin all your hopes on one thing, you run the risk of losing all but sometimes, passion narrows your view and all you can focus on is the one goal that you have fixed your eye on.

Patience is a virtue but it's not a gift cultivated in all of us...

Welcome Home, Janice, Nina and Brian...

Thanks for all the duty-free stuff!

I'm so poor right now. *SIGH* I really hope I get the job cos' I could seriously do with the cash. Buying new makeup today probably doesn't help my situation. That's ok...A little starvation can't be too harmful, I think.

Uni starts tomorrow...Damn!

Hello, hello!!! My name is Tupai. As you can see, I am a very cute (if slightly old but still clean raccoon). I am guest-blogging on behalf of my "Auntie Dawn"... This past winter break has been a cold, boring one for her. Luckily, in the last few days, I came over for a visit but was subjected to a bath. (after so many years!) On the bright side, I'm now soft and shiny and clean again... I digress. In any case, "Auntie" in addition to stealing me during bed-time, has been doing a fair bit of shopping. She's bought quite a few dresses and tops but the best buys are the shoes below!


This pair was bought during her spending frenzy at Chadstone. Surprisingly, she managed to restrain herself to one (albeit ostentatious) pair of shoes...

This second pair is my personal favorite and is the most recent purchase (4.30pm today). It's called "Betty Be Good" and it's the sweetest vintage pair of shoes, yes?

Anyway, it's time for all of us to go watch Korean Dramas and snigger consistently.

TTFN...

Oh, and Welcome back to "Auntie Sarah" who "Auntie Dawn" just picked at the airport a few hours ago.

When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him... A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.
-Proverbs 16: 7,9

Today has been a day truly blessed. I went into the place I had applied for a job and the guy I know who works there, told me off-record, that I should be expecting a call soon regarding an interview with regards to the job.

I also got home and saw an email from my migration agent telling me that I have been granted my official permanence residency! Yay!!!!!!!!!!

And I also got an email AND a letter from Estee. The bible quote above was in Estee's card. It's truly apt today!

Plus, I'm picking Sarah up from the aiport in about an hour! Yay!!!!!!

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair

Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again

It'll never end I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then it starts again

Feels like I'm drowning I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

Don't sweat the small stuff. I'll always be who I am. A myriad of contradictions: A confident girl without much self-confidence; a talker who keeps most of her thoughts to herself; the bubbly 'happy nut' who is depressed most of the time...

Doesn't matter if everyone doesn't understand. Just as long as those who matter are there for me.

We do not remember Days... We remember Moments.
- Cesare Pavese

When we merely exist, the days pass as the pages of a blank book; mundane and ordinary with nothing worth recording. When you hold onto grudges or regrets, you fill your mental diary with days that will hinder your personal growth. There is no time to stop and ponder on what is past. History will teach you what not to do but if you look only behind you and not towards your future, you are stuck in a rut. Life isn't worth living unless it is one full of variety such that the days pass by in a blur and only the richest moments are captured eternally in the mind and heart.

Caution is the main driver of the rational mind: the basic human condition yields to the law of nature, resulting in the "survival of the fittest"; once in awhile, there are those of us -though ordinary- who manage to achieve great things, like the select few Modern-Day-Titans.

One will find that in finding one's way in the world, oft-times, it pays to be part of the herd; in the words of the Japanese: "A nail that sticks out will be hammered into place". We choose to take the road more travelled because we fear hardship and we doubt our on capabilities. It is the innate modesty, instilled in those particularly of the Asian culture, that sometimes cripples our chance to optimize the opportunities presented to us in life. Humility is a trait sought-after and admired in my culture.

The Western World is sometimes perceived by their other counterparts, as a selfish culture that centers around the self. They do not follow the Asian customs where family bonds hold strong even to the extended family, where children are taught the important lessons of fillial piety. Yet, this does not make the Westerners a brash, uneducated lot; Self-promotion may come across as rudeness to the Asians but it is sometimes necessary, especially if you need to convince others why they should hire you for a job. This is a skill that I do not quite have a grasp of and in a very recent scenario, was a rather uncomfortable experience that I had to go through.

Sometimes, I wonder if Asian pragmatism may lead us to playing it a little too safe, making life though peaceful and uneventful, a little boring and devoid of excitement. In fleeting moments of spontaneity, we flirt with the idea of Carpe Diem but then, reality sets in and our supposed flights of fancy are really nothing more than thinly-disguised calculated risks.

Memento Mori...
Remember one day we all must die.

When faced with the mortality of our lives, does it not teach you that life is too short to worry about what others think of you or to spend too much time considering the many risks you take in every decision of your life.

The hardest thing to do is practice what you preach; It doesn't help that insecurities and fear are the twin guards that often serve as a barrier that prevents you from taking that first step. But if you can really learn to follow a mantra for life, this one is a good one:

Live everyday as if it were your last day because one day it will be.

You've changed...

I suppose it's survival instinct. You do what you have to do to protect the ones you love; the difference is, I have fallen in the hierarchy of those who matter to you. I can't say that I'm surprised or that I didn't expect it but it does break my heart to know that one can be so blinded when caught up in a self-centered world of their own.

I think rationality is worth nothing when you choose to believe otherwise about me. There is no reasoning or talking to you if you have chosen to perceive me in a certain pre-cast mold. I have done my best to make life happy for you: all the little things I do to make life all that better for you; that you have not noticed or have simply taken it to be expected. I never did anything out of an expectation of something in return; I did all of it for love, unconditional love.

Strangely, you, who I have hoped that I could count on for unconditional love, is the person who has shown me otherwise. Because of late, nothing I do can please you. Every word, every action to you: they seem as if I am attacking you. But you don't understand. You don't understand that I've tried again and again, to bring my point across to you, only to have them fall on deaf ears. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I've had to resort to drastic (if unpleasant) methods to show you how unhappy I am. BUT, that doesn't matter to you, anymore.

Every time you say these things in anger: every word cuts into my heart like a knife. Long after the hateful memory fades, the scar still lingers. And I wonder, just how much more I can take before I have to give up.

There is no material price for everything.

Coming from someone who is materialistic by nature, it is a statement that borders on the hypocritical. But even I know that not everything has a price tag attached it. Money does not solve everything. It can help make life easier but you cannot buy your way out of every situation. Where do you get off trying to fob me off by asking me "how much I want?" All you succeeded in doing is insult me.

It does not take much for you to ask permission or even acknowledge another person's ownership of something. Even if you know the person will not mind, it is common courtesy to ask - even on a formality basis.

Asking even after the event has occured allows you the possibility of salvaging the situation but to sit there blatantly and act as if you have done nothing wrong, it's just plain rude.

I think I've put up with and endured with your continued selfish behavior for quite a long time. Despite my repeated demonstration of my obvious discomfort of your actions, you have chosen to ignore me and continue with your behavior. I've tried humour and have now resorted to outright displays of displeasure at your actions. But you choose to persist with your actions. It's not even personal anymore; the discomfort is felt at a level that includes others as well.

I may not be the most considerate person, nor am I the most selfless, but I have never intentionally ignored a request made of me. Can you say the same of yourself? You cannot make excuses anymore. They are just getting tired and old.

I don't care if you are the "nicest" person because if you manage to take time away from your self-absorbed bubble, maybe you can reflect on your actions and realise that you really aren't that nice afterall.

I almost killed myself today. I woke up this morning to the terrible stench of something burning. To my horror, I could see smoke billowing from the pillow I slept on. Upon further inspection, my pillow had bumped against my bedside lamp and the bulb had burnt the lamp shade and my pillow as well. Being a latex pillow, the burnt smell was horrific; the chemical smell left me choking and coughing eventhough I was breathing through my mouth.

The whole apartment stank of the arid smell and despite the liberal use of Febreeze and carpet deodorizer; turning the fan on at full blast and opening all the windows. The smell has a nauseating lingering scent that seeps into every surface. I foresee alot of laundry to be done in my near future. :SIGH:

My carelessness has caused me and my brother a hell lot of inconvenience.

Friday, 7th July (Lucky double seven) has been a really memorable day.

It's the day I got my results. I cleared all my subjects, did good in some (although I think I should have done better) and I'm officially done with my first semester of my Masters program. I busted my ass the whole semester and in the words of the wise, (A good friend who has requested his/her name witheld) I should just learn to say "thank you" when told that it was a job well done. It's all good. Especially since the bastard who fucked me and my groupmates over for an assignment, got his just desserts. He had the cheek to call me and ask if we had added his name to the assignment because he had "no idea how he managed to fail the exam". Well, duh! You didn't even bother to do the assignment, I can only guess at the effort he put into his exam revision. It's Melbourne University and it's the Masters' Program. Dude, you may have done the subject before, but that was in India. It's a whole different ball game now. So you see, it pays to be nice. Karma will bite you in the ass if you're not careful.

To reward myself, I bought myself two new Korean series from this new store that opened up in the city. Man, it's awesome! The best part: ENGLISH SUBTITLES. Yeah!

But I'd have to say, the highlight was watching Russell Peters Live @ Comedy Theatre. We had the best seats ever! Front Row right in front of the mike. I laughed my ass off for two hours although some of the jokes were downright nasty, especially those from the opening act, Yoshi. And now, Eric...You're FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!! Ahaha.



We ended up the evening with drinks at Bambu. Eric's friends were lovely. Although they wouldn't get to read this: Stu, Shreddie and Bernard, it was a pleasure meeting you guys. :)

Currently, it's four in the morning and I have to pick my friend up in two hours to send her to the airport. Zita, you owe me big...

And now, I need to go drink four litres of water to flush the alcohol out and maybe a redbull to keep awake...I need to rest, man. I'm never gonna get well soon at this rate, and I've made a promise to start going to the gym with Eric. Healthy living, here I come...*SIGH*

Sometimes, there's nothing left to say but "SORRY". Even if it can't change the turn of events, it's a heartfelt emotion that I really wished I could convey to you. I'm sorry I was foolish. I'm sorry you had to take the consequences for my actions. I'm sorry that I've caused you so much trouble and inconvenience. I'm sorry if I've made you unhappy indirectly.

I'm just... SORRY.

SYDNEY - WINTER 2006

Come on pretty baby call my bluff
'Cause for you my best was never good enough

Knowing that my best is never enough. That it doesn't matter how hard I try, I can never be who I want to be in your life because you will not let me in. The tinge of sadness that settles over my heart, knowing that someone else won your affections so easily but I've had to fight so hard to even get a scrap of your civility.

I wish I could say I'm done trying because the knife that twists constantly in my gut leaves me sleepless some nights. But I know that I'd never give up. I can't. At least for now.