To you:

I know them other guys,
they been talking bout the way I do what I do
They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true
They know you're the one I wanna give it to
I can see you want me too
Now, it's me and you

It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me if you like it
It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me how you like it

I was waiting for you to tell me you were ready
I know what to do, if only you would let me
As long as you're cool with it, I'll treat you right
Here is where you wanna be

Baby, tell me how you like it
Baby, I'll love you all the way down
Get cha right where you like it,
I promise you'll like it - I swear -
Just relax and let me make that move
It's our secret thang
Keep it between me and you
It's me and you, now

and you know that

I can love with all of my heart baby
I know I have so much to give
With a player like you, I don't have a prayer
That's the way to live

BUT you make me feel like you're just playing me

Boy you know all the right things to say
You know it's just too little too late
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway

Ooh no
Come with me, stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do you expect me to say
You know it's just too little too late
You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy you know your beggin don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game
So let me on down

Although I know it's not a brush-off and I should respect that you value our friendship that much, I just can help feel the way I do and I wished you felt the same

Feeling all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me

Because right now I honestly just feel that

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that’s worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with
I can’t see much of a future
Unless we find out what’s to blame
What a shame
And we won’t be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

FALLS CREEK: DAY TWO ON SKI SLOPES

Steven and Chuan swapped ski gear. Guess Steven isn't that great at snowboarding. hee hee.
Me sitting on top of the hot tub in our balcony. I love it when I get it to myself during the day.
Waiying, Melvin and Anthony...
Trying to snowball each other...
Me on the slopes. It was terrible having to climb back up the mountain on foot.

I was lonely only I didn't know it
I was so sad only I didn't show it
You came like the sun breaking through the clouds
And I found you're what I couldn’t live without
With you
I feel the other half of my heartbeat
I'm complete
In you
I hear the other half of my heartbeat
That's all I need
No I didn't know what I was missin'
Oh my baby since we've been kissin'
Oh I can feel the other half of my heartbeat
It's so sweet lying here with you
You'll look at me and I see my reflection
You understand who I am needs protection

It's day 2 in Falls Creek and the weather is awesome. Granted we actually hoped that the place would be covered in snow, but I still think it's great. It actually feels less cold than if we were in Melbourne city. It's sunny out, there's a slight breeze and the air here in the mountains is really, really fresh.

Yesterday's 6 hours drive up actually went by pretty quickly and smoothly. We were actually worried if there was any snow because the drive up was so hot! Thankfully, a quick trip up the mountains on the ski lifts (really fun by the way) showed us that man-made snow can make for good skiing.

I know I'm a lazy arse for not joining the rest at their skiing but I had the entire apartment to myself and the whole hot tub. Ahaha.

I'm loving it up here.

In life, we all plan to lead our lives a certain way: We make rules and bound ourselves to them; a self-inflicted moral measure that helps us to wake up each morning and tell ourselves that we are good people.

The problem with making plans is that nothing lasts forever; plans change as circumstances do and like that old adage: Sometimes when you search for a dream, you lose it along the way and find a better one.

I think that in my life, one of the things I've learnt to embrace as an adult is learning to adapt to the circumstances. I have never been a huge fan of "going with the flow". I am someone who enjoys order, structure and a long-term plan/blueprint of how to lead my life.

Recently, something happened that made me change my way of thinking. For no particular reason, I gave in to the urge/impulse to go with the flow regarding a significant decision in my life.

And I have no regrets.

Carpe Diem.

I am one very sick person. (And I mean it literally.)

Being such a weakling, I managed to catch the viral infection that's been going around due to the change in weather. Working in a service environment doesn't help either as I'm in constant contact with people.

In any case, I got sent home early from work today as I looked really sick and the doctor has put me on two days' sick leave as she feels that my exhausted state is not helping my condition. I haven't had so much free time in ages and I feel a little guilty lying in bed. But to be honest, I do feel terrible.

Still, there is a plus point to this, all that congestion in my chest means that my gag reflex is in overdrive...All this throwing up (No, I'm not pregnant as my brother joked) means that there will be resulting weight loss. Yeah...

Sleeping time...ohhh, those pills are strong.

It's been ages since my last dinner party...so I took advantage of my off day and had a dinner tonight for some friends - Yvie, Cynthia, Jo and her boyfriend (Robin) and Sandeep came to dinner.

I started with a bed of baby spinach and rocket salad with balsamic vinagrette dressing with chorizo sausages; blue cheese, prosciutto, cantaloupe and a breadstick hors d'oeurve and enoki mushroom wrapped in shabu-shabu beef with a sweet soy mirin sauce.

That was followed by Poached Nashi Pear stuffed with minced chicken in a spinach and shitake mushroom broth.

The final course was my trademark prawn curry with bread. Hee hee.

We decided to skip dessert but went straight for the lychee martinis. Hmmm. Everyone loves an alkie. Ahaha.

It was a really good dinner in that everyone got along and had a good laugh with each other. I'm glad all my friends got along so well. *GRIN*

I've been working so hard lately, that I've forgotten what it means to have an off day - one day that you can sleep in till late (or later, in my case) and not actually have to run around in a frenzy trying to do as much as you can in one day.

Today, I actually had an off day. After working six days a week and going to uni as well, it felt surreal to not have to work.

It's been a good day. I got to spend it with a really good friend. We ate; talked; he followed me around while I said "hi" to everyone in all three CBD stores; shopped (I bought a pinny and collected my new jeans - which are a size 12!!!!!!!).

Generally, we had a SFA day and it was awesome.

the city feels clean this time of night
just empty streets and me
walking home to clear my head
i know it came as no surprise
i'm affected more than i had
guessed on what was said

if the smile's not meant to be,
if the heart's not ready to open
if we make it i won't see it's broken

it's the quiet time before the dawn
and i'm half past making sense of it,
was i wrong?
should i claim to give it all in a world
where not much ever seems to last long

I know GOD is the way, the truth and the light. I know that I should cast all my cares onto Him because He cares for me.

But I also think that GOD gave us free will for a reason. Telling someone to seek God first is not wrong but you cannot think that it is the fail-safe answer/solution to everything.

I believe God gave us friends because He knows as humans, all we need is a listening ear sometimes. I know GOD will answer my questions in His own time when he feel it's the right time. And I'm fine with that. The questions I ask God and the answers I seek, it's all in my personal relationship with GOD. No one should be able to dictate to me how I should go about developing my personal relationship with GOD.

And I'm so frustrated that in my bid to open up to a friend, she has only turned me off with her inability to listen; her pushiness and her need to turn the focus on herself.

But whatever, I'm so over it. Now I know who I can't talk to.

An interesting article sent to me by my father via his secretary:

Debunking the myths of Money

The truth is that many of these beliefs and attitudes that somepeople hold have about money are nothing but inaccurategeneralizations and excuses that keep them from living a truly ahappy and wealthy life. In order to truly align your mind to wealthcreation, you must debunk these negative myths and really look atthe facts...

Myth:
Having a lot of money will change you (into a bad person).

Fact:
Money is a personality magnifier. It brings out the trueperson within you. If you are a selfish and nasty person by nature,having money will make you even more nasty and selfish. However, ifyou are a kind, generous and loving person deep down inside, moneywill magnify your goodness.

Myth:
Money isn't everything.

Fact:
This is the top excuse given by poor people who are indenial. The truth is that everything is money. Without money, youcannot maximize other important values such as family, career,health, spirituality and relationships.

Myth:
Money will make you less spiritual

Fact:
If you are by nature a spiritual person, having money willallow you to touch more lives and help you do more of god's work.In fact, the wealthiest people in the world are extremely spiritual. Not having to worry about money anymore allows many ofthe rich to focus on the more important things in life. Many truly wealthy people believe they don't own their money. They are justcustodians of God's wealth.

Myth:
Rich people are materialistic. They worship money.

Fact:
It is the people who lack money who worship it. Who works allday, year after year in a job which they hate, just for the money?Who are those who constantly sacrifice their health and family tomake more money? In fact, the rich rarely work because of money. They work becauseof passion and a sense of personal mission. Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, George Lucas, Michael Jordan & Steve Jobs certainly don't work for money...they don't need to.

Myth:
To have more money, I will be depriving others of it.

Fact:
When you become rich, you actually create more wealth forother people. Wealth multiplies into more wealth. Bill Gates is therichest man in the world because he has created the most value inpeople's lives through the creation of Microsoft and Windows.Because of his invention, so many more millionaires have beencreated as a result. Think about it, if Microsoft Windows, Word andExcel did not exist, would you have been able to create as muchwealth as you have today?

Myth:
Money is the 'root of all evil'.

Fact:
The lack of money is the root of all evil. The number one cause of murder, cheating, stealing, lying is poverty (the lack of money)

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again

It'll never end
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
Feels like I'm drowning I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying And you don't even care

I realise that it does not really take much to cross the fine line from happiness to sadness. Maybe it's the weariness building up inside of me but the good day I had today, evaporated quickly as night fell. The lightness I felt in having a day off from work was rapidly replaced by a heavy feeling that weighed down my heart.

Having a chai with Yvie; going in to my old workplace to have a chat with Garth; lepak-ing with Jo and her sis, Mary...they all created an intense bundle of joy within me. But all so quickly, the feelings dissipated.

And I marvel at how easily I can get depressed. Feeling crap about an academic report marked low; the exhaustion in dealing with group mates who do not contribute; juggling a happy work environment with office politics and muddling through the sad state of affairs that is my personal life.

I need someone to hold onto when the goes gets tough. But I've just reached the stage where for once, alone does not equate lonely for me. I'm reading "Captivating", a spiritual book for women, that I borrowed from Tsih Ern. I think in the process of reading, I just become more aware of the heartache and difficulties of struggling to be a female in the modern world. What was supposed to make me feel better has me struggling to breathe.

Maybe I just need sleep.

How you doing young lady
That feeling that you give me really drives me crazy
You don't haveta play about the joke
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand
I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you,
you seem so innocent

Chivalry is dead
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
So does everybody else

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know

If you with it girl
I know a place we can go

What kind of girl do you take me for?

Everytime I think about Garth's first/initial impression of me, I want to laugh...How in a million years could I be quiet, sweet, innocent? Ok, the sweet yes but innocent and quiet????

Oooooh....Stephen's moved to Bourke Street now!!!! I get to close with him on Thursday. Yay!!! Darling Stephen!!! Who's going to run up the stairs of the store just to pinch me on the cheeks and tell me how sweet/funny/cute I am... *SIGH* It's not the same even if Stephen promised to pay Ralph to do it.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing

On hindsight, I don't know if what I did was right or wrong. The glow of happiness lasted just that little while. In retrospect, the insecurities start eating at me.

There's somethin' 'bout me that you oughta know
I've never felt the need to lose control
Always held on back and played it slow
But not this time
Baby, don't be gentle,
I can handle anythin',
Baby take me on a journey
I've been thinkin lately
I could use
A little time alone with you
Crazy, let's do something maybe
Please don't take your time
You've got me right where you want me

A little distraction is all I need right now.

Today was my second last day at Melbourne Central. It's kinda sad. But we had the Alba Fan Club launch today and it was really awesome because Stephen, Garth and I finally got to spend quality time together!

After work, Stephen came over to mine's to get ready and we had the best fun ever having drinks, chatting and getting ready. Garth, my fellow alkie, came along and we had MORE drinks. We caught up with Nyssa and Alice and got to Boutique for more drinks and the launch.

I had the best time ever talking to my work mates outside of work (sorta). Sandeep came along as well and it was really good because we hadn't seen each other in ages!!!!!!! Something really good happened as well but that's not going to be mentioned here. haha.

I'm kinda sad that I'd be leaving Melbourne Central but on the bright side, Garth and I can now meet up without it being frowned on because techinically, we don't work together anymore. I'm really going to miss my boys, Garth and Stephen. It was really touching to hear Garth say that he's going to miss me so much and he had hired me because he loves me and he's really sad that I'm leaving. Plus, he told me to call anytime if I wanted to go for drinks.... Awwwww...

It's been really busy and stressful for me of late. I've been working about 30 hours a week - doing about three shifts a week at Melbourne Central and pulling shifts at the Bourke Street store as well. All this and studying full time. It's also been assignment week, so I've been really, really stretched for time.

In any case, today while working at Bourke Street, my manager called and asked for me to come see her for a chat after work. Boy, was I freaked! I had no idea what was so urgent...And it was really sweet of the Bourke street girls to say that they'd have me if my manager didn't want me.

Anyway, what happened was that I got a job promotion and a transfer. From now on, I'd be working at the Swanston Street Store in the capacity of a permanent part-timer. It basically means I no longer get to work at the concept store with the lovely Alba fan club range and my boys, Garth and Stephen (I'm really going to miss Stephen!!!!!) plus I get paid slightly lesser and have a 5 shifts/week restriction . On the other hand, I do get fixed hours. It also means that I impressed my manager and her boss that much that they wanted to keep me; a girl who had started work earlier than me had to be let go. OMG!!!!!! I just realised it means I finally get a name tag of my own! I'd no longer be just a team member; I get one with "DAWN" written on it...excellent!!!!!!!!! (Ok, i'm lame) I also realised I no longer have to work with that disgusting indian guy staring at me from across the store in his magazine stand. Wahahahahahah

Off to bed with me now. I had dinner with Eric and Janice before, and we caught JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE...now I'm so tired and I have to work tomorrow from store opening to closing.

Nites

The warmth of a hand held...

Walking through a crowded room, the first time you grabbed my hand before I could reach for yours, in case I got lost. When you didn't let go later, I knew then, it was happening... All through the night, I was so conscious of my hand enveloped by the warmth of your larger hand; my heart was beating so fast. It felt scary, exciting and yet kinda right.

The tenderness of an embrace...

Seeing your face after being away for awhile; talking and laughing the night away. The reluctant dragging of feet as the night came to an end; when you held on that few moments longer when you hugged me good night, I couldn't breathe and I could feel it blooming in my heart... Walking to my door with my back to you, careful not to let you see the smile that couldn't stop spreading on my face. The first tinglings were rushing through me.

The sweetness of a kiss...

Never expecting that things would really come to fruition and that you could really have fallen for a girl like me. Going out for the first time as more than just friends. A heart filled with anxiety, exhilaration, happiness, anticipation and uncertainty...Wondering. Wishing. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what will happen, if it will happen.

Tiptoeing around you, not sure how to act. How much has things changed or have they changed at all? Just when I was lost, you caught me in a moment just like many others in our friendship... When your lips brushed mine, I felt my heart skip a beat and I knew: everything was going to be alright.

The fragile heart that still holds on...

You never learn how precious the little things were till they exist only in the bittersweetness of reminiscence; a yesterday that can never be returned.

It was all just a silly misunderstanding... Thank God.

I was getting increasingly upset because I didn't know what the hell was going on. Glad it's sort of sorted out.

This is why it's so important to communicate.

http://www.thedashmovie.com/

Memento Mori.

Her mind feels
For that space
Between breath
and thought:
Just to listen

To the night
Damp, breathing
not comparing itself
to anything

What is she searching for?

This is the way you make me feel; stuck in a box that I'm desperate to free myself from.

I don't know if I did anything to offend you because honestly, I don't think I have. How could I? We hardly see each other anymore. And when I do try to see you more, I feel shut out. With no explanation.

The thing is, I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know how to communicate with you. I don't know what I can do to make things better. I tried once. I shared with you in an email about how I wanted to fight for our friendship; how I wanted an honest relationship.

I don't know if it's just your nature; if it's unintentional or if somehow, I managed to alienate you but I don't know how to get through to you anymore. You just shut me out. And Lord, I do try. I try to make things right. I try to be a good friend. Really I do. But somehow, I guess it was not enough for you or it just was not what you are looking for.

And I'm sad. That we've reached a stage where you can't talk to me when things aren't right between us. That everything has to be inferred or read between the lines. Because I always thought our friendship was worth so much more.

Lately, I've tried to keep things light, paste a smile on my face to hide the desperation behind a veil of happiness. But the truth is, my world is falling apart slowly: uni, work and personal problems - I juggle them the best I can - while at the same time, trying to fix that hole in our friendship that is growing bigger.

How is it that things just get worse instead of better? I managed to solve the problems I had with another friend but I can't solve the ones I have with my dearer friend.

Maybe I was harsh to say you do not have a part of my heart because I think at the end of the day, you always will. But it's the God-honest truth that I no longer know how to reach out to you because nothing I do seems to be enough or right for you.

So, here's what I'm saying in plain english: I can't deal with the emotional roulette I go through when it concerns you. And I've tried to the point of where I think I've become annoying. So I'm just going to take a step back and let you get back to me when you're sorted out. If you want to get back to me.

Goodbye, my friend...for now.

As of today, you will no longer have a part of me. I think I've done my share (and more) as a good friend. Your lackadaisal/passive attitude towards our friendship has made me realise that I am tired; I no longer have the capacity to deal with the emotional roulette that you put me through.

I wish I didn't care so much. It causes me too much heartache. Maybe you think I've been too pushy. Maybe I no longer count in your list of priorities and you are no longer interested in maintaining the same level of friendship that I want with you. That's all fine. Choices are made solely by the individual.

Therefore, I say this: I am taking a step back. You decide what the next step will be.

p/s: This is NOT a personal attack. If you think this is about YOU, then sit back and think about it before you get on your high horse and launch your defence against this entry. If you know in your heart, you are guilty of this, then do something about it. If not, I'll know the answer anyway.

Remember: If your heart is clear, you should have no fear.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper
lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came
fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light

NOSEBLEED DU JOUR : The Divine Marcus Schenkenberg




And... NO! You can't have Channing, Jan-Jan.

It occured to me that my previous entry may raise a few heckles in some of those who read my blog. My first thought was to apologise if anyone got offended by it, but then, the previous entry was not a personal attack on anyone. It was a mere reflection of thoughts brought about by someone else.

And I start to wonder...how bad a friend have I been if a friend would think that I do not have the integrity to tell them if I think something is not right; that I could be perceived as a coward who chooses to lash out at others from the safety of my blog rather than tell the person face-to-face.

Friendships can be confusing. Even with the best intentions, chaos often takes over as deceptions, omissions of the truths and many other sub-plots come into play. Why read too much into things? Take things at face value. Sometimes, the benefit of doubt is the best thing you can give a friend.

In the words of Oscar Wilde: "Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave, When First We Practice To Deceive"