I can't believe exams are finally over. I'm so tired, having not gotten a chance to rest or recuperate yet.

I started my partying right after my last paper, heading down to CYC for cocktails immediately after my Marketing Management Paper, followed by a friend's 21st birthday at The Long Room; drinks with other mates from the Masters' ( Chris, Asish, Tad, Sandeep, Dinok) at Kitten Club and partying the night away at Chasers in Chapel Street. I limped home at six in the morning, extremely exhausted but with a happy buzz. It was a really good night. Despite having just finished exams and feeling like rat shit, I must have looked vaguely attractive to have the bartender at Kitten Club buy me a tequila shot and flirt a little with me. He seemed upset when I went back to my table. *LOL* A free drink is always awesome; one from an ATTRACTIVE bartender is even better. *wink*

Slept at seven, got up at ten, did lunch with Waiying and Chuan, had dinner at Mimi's relative's house, and then off to drinks with Yvie and Nadia at Manchuria. (Bumped into Mary and Eric there. :P ) Got home at two in the morning.

Picked my mum up at five in morning from the airport, had coffee with my cousin, Karen and her husband, Andrew, at three at Max Brenner's @ Melbourne Central; dinner with my auntie and uncle at Juliano's @ Toorak Road.

Monday, got up at ten, had a manicure and pedicure and it was off to the shops to spend, spend, spend! I love my mother. She buys me stuff that are way pretty but are way beyond my budget. Hee hee hee.

Tuesday, got up at eleven, got my waxing done; lunch with Yvie and another quick bout of shopping and a quick trip to Rowden White and then I'm off to Sydney tonight till Saturday arvo.

*Phew* I need to catch my breath.

Over the years, I accumulated alot of nicknames. The most recent one being SQ or Speed Queen, courtesy of Eric. Although, Waiying thinks that it should be SFQ instead - Speeding Fine Queen. Hah. I guess, I am a speed demon. I'm addicted to the rush of driving (too) fast down a highway. However, it's dangerous and speed limits exist for a reason. I've been lucky this time round and I'm going to start being more careful and stop being such a menace behind the wheel.

It's the night before my last paper and I can't be farked studying anymore. Sigh. It'd be over tomorrow and I can party, party, party... Oh, yeah!

For awhile, I felt as if I was walking in an abyss of darkness. Everything in my life just seemed to go wrong and I felt increasingly desperate as the burdens piled on. I prayed for providence and when there was no immediate answer from God, I felt a tinge of bitter disappointment.

And I'm sorry. Sorry that I ever doubted God. Sorry that I did not have the patience to wait for his grace and mercy. I guess, I just want to thank God for blessing me with a friend who really came through for me, and for providing me with that second chance of redemption.

He is truly an Amazing God.

I'm having the day from hell,
It was all going so well (before you came)
And you told me you needed space,
With a kiss on the side my face (not again)
And not to mention (the tears I shed)
But I should have kicked your (ass instead)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Cause baby
Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do,
when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cuz I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No

Don't know where I parked my car
Don't know who my real friends are (anymore)
I put my faith in you
What a stupid thing to do (when it rains it pours)
And not to mention (I drank too much)
I'm feeling hung over (and out of touch)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
Cause it just seems to go bad everytime
Will I be mending?
another one ending once again
Gotta pick myself out cause things are mended

-"When it all falls apart" (The Veronicas)

I'd like to think that Family is the one group of people you can always count on; no matter what happens or how ugly things get, they will never give up on you. I guess, I'm wrong. Unconditional love is not a given in Family ties; knowing that when all the world has cast me aside, I can't depend on you. I will have to accept that I am insignificant to you; you will walk away when you decide the terms are no longer favourable for you.

The bitter pill to swallow: knowing that in moments of anger, you choose to forget all that I've done for you. The little everyday things that seem inconsequential but all add up. I go out of my way to make life easier for you. It doesn't always show in the face of my domineering nature but it cuts me like a knife when you don't acknowledge or appreciate it. It's not that this is a competition and I do acknowledge and appreciate all that you've done for me, but when you cast me aside, it breaks my heart. I do what I do out of love. What is your motivation? Obligation?

My world is falling apart. Bit by bit, things have gone bad, leaving me frantically trying to pick up the pieces while juggling the ones already filling my arms. I live in dread of each new day; wondering what new disaster or tragedy is going to come my way. I keep these emotional burdens to myself; my pride would not let me share any sign of weakness with others. The downside is having others view me as being easily-irritated and a brat. It's an easier image to manage than being thought of as weak.

I've done some things I'm not proud of but even the most sincere contrition is not enough; redemption and a second chance seems as likely as snow in Singapore. The fervent prayers of desperation, the whispered hope of salvation...it seems like they fall on empty ears; or maybe He has heard my prayers but He has different plans. Though I feel ashamed, I cannot help but feel the seed of bitter disappointment grow.

Thank you so much for walking away when I needed your help the most. It's been an enlightening experience.

Your mettle has been measured and you have fallen short.

Arrogance will and has always been the source for my downfall; it makes me impetuous and hence, make bad decisions. If I could just wipe the slate clean, things would be simpler. But as it is, actions always have consequences; some have more dire effects than others.

My arrogance has cost me dearly. This particular instance is something that I cannot erase. I'm working on making the consequences less dire for me but in my heart, I know I should count my blessings because things could have been much worse. Some decisions have the ability to leave an impact on your life forever and this could have easily been the case.

I just pray that I can make things work. That even though I don't deserve it, by the grace of God, he will give me a second chance to redeem myself.

And I am truly sorry; I was so arrogant as to take things so lightly. I was wrong and I made a serious mistake. Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned.

I Wish You Were Here...
Don't you know,
the snow is getting colder,
And I miss you like hell,
And I'm feeling blue...

I've got feelings for you,
Do you still feel the same?
From the first time
I laid my eyes on you,
I felt joy of living,
I saw heaven in your eyes...

In your eyes...

I miss your laugh,
I miss your smile,
I miss everything about you...

Every second's like a minute,
Every minute's like a day
When you're far away...

"Wish You Were Here" (Within Temptation)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5EtQ7zQslc&search=wish%20you%20were%20here

If you ever need a friend
I'll be there by your side but

Baby, don't waste your time
And I know what's on your mind
I may be qualified for a one night stand
But I could never take the place of your [girl]

-"I could never take the place of your man" (Bryan McKnight)

Timing is everything. There are things in life that come when you least want it and disappear when you need it the most.

Circumstances makes a huge difference; the friend who wants to be more than platonic: the lover who makes a better friend. Then, there's the friend who mistakes vulnerability for love, and kindness for interest.

We want what we cannot have; the baser motivation of Man lies in a simple analogy: the spoils of victory cannot be savoured if a war is not fought.

What is your true motivation: the thrill of the challenge; the desire of the taboo or simply the convenience of the situation? On a simpler level, are you looking for a surrogate, substitute or temporary replacement?

Grass on the other side is not always greener.

I know that lately
Things have been so hard
And looking out
Through your broken heart
All you can see is dark
And lonely days ahead
But remember Jesus said

He knows every star in the sky
Every single tear that you cry
His love is here faithful and alive
I know that this world can be cold
In His arms you're never alone
That's His promise to you and I

When hope has disappeared
And your heart aches
You might not recognize
The touch of grace
But on the other side
Of every dying dream
His love is waiting patiently

With every angel there's a love
That never leaves your side
His love is deeper than the ocean
Or a mountain high
You've got to know
There's hope in your heart
And if you listen with your heart
I know you'll hear Him say
You are My child and I am with you
Each and every day
He is the one who knows your soul

That's the promise for you and I

-"The Promise" (Plus One)

Sometimes, a little prayer can go a long way and in your darkest hour, you tend to forget that there is someone you can reach out to. A little visit to church yesterday has led to some blessings today -both great and small:

• A simple unexpected phone call this morning before my exam; that familiar 'helloooo' on the line that brought a smile to my face and helped to ease some of the anxiety I had pent up over my first foray of the semester to REB.
• An exam that is finally over with and after doing my best, I have to leave the rest to the good LORD and focus on my remaining two papers
• A good meal at Pacific House with loved ones
• Having the house to myself tonight so I can prance around like a ninny. :)

Life is good...for now.

Sometimes your best is not enough in the face of true brilliance.

I have worked myself to the bone this semester: long sleepless night, feverish hours spent reading textbooks, lecture slides and extra readings. Even if I wanted to sleep, it has become psychologically impossible. This close to the end, I am unable and unwilling to give up despite the exhaustion – both mental and physical.

All my academic life, I have lived in the shadows of my father and brother: the former a man so brilliant, charismatic and hard-working that his occasional bragging is justified; the latter someone who is focused and has the rigid discipline to be consistent in his studies and hence, produce excellent academic results. I, on the other hand, have been chided by parents, relatives and others for being ‘smart but lazy’. Over my schooling years, I have seen the growing look of disappointment on the face of my parents, in lieu of my mediocre academic performance; reaching a point where they have lowered their expectations of high distinctions and straight ‘A’s to an earnest plea that I ‘not fail anything’. During my undergraduate years, a constant refrain from my parents was, “All we ask is that you study half as hard as your brother, that is all.”

When I enrolled into the postgraduate program, my father was not entirely convinced. He was supportive in that he paid the fees but he still felt resigned to the idea that I would coast through my studies as always, especially since my brother would not be here to keep a watchful eye over me. Conversely, I learnt to be independent and more mature in my thought process. In my anxiety over the higher quality of work expected at the postgraduate level and the intense competition I faced with so many brilliant colleagues, I started studying very hard, morphing into the ‘competitive asian’ I should have been ages ago. I am determined to show my father that the $23,500 he pays for my tuition is not another 'wasted investment'.

My hard work paid off and I did well in the internal component of my assessments but the true test now lies in the last stretch – external examinations. I have put in the hours, I have slogged over my books but the worry still niggles in my heart: one that grows as “D Day” approaches – what if my best is not enough? For once, passing is not a worry for me; I have higher mountains to scale now. I’ve only ever obtained one “H1” in the undergraduate, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to get one in the postgraduate.

It’s hardly reassuring that my father’s standards are still as high as ever. A conversation earlier today really left its mark on me, specifically, his ‘gracious’ statement that he did not “expect me to be the top but the top 10% would suffice”. In light of such ‘concession’, can one blame me for being over-wound and bordering on a psychological breakdown?

The French have an expression to describe the pleasure of the aftermath of an intimate encounter –la petit mort (little death). In my case, I experience la petit mort for an entirely different reason; during exams, I stress myself out: each time dying a little.

Growing up, we've all heard that constant refrain from our parents that "the home is not a hotel; you do not come and go as you please" or the alternative silent black looks you get from your parents when you bring your friends home, without notice and with alarming regularity. I used to find my parents annoying and naggy, and often I would wish they understood me better or had more tolerance.

When I was left to my own devices, there was that initial temptation and joy of not having anyone tell what to do or impose obligations on me. But I realised the value of having parental discipline to shape the person I've become. There are some rules we never understood or resented while we were young but on hindsight, we often understand why such rules exist. Many of us may not realize it but parental guidance is a blessing not all of us have.

The home is a private sancuary. It is the place you return to for solitude, relaxation and generally, enjoy your personal space. It is the place you do not expect to be disturbed unless you wish to be. It is a place where you set the rules and regulations. It is the place you want minimal disruptions. It is the place you do not wish to be inconvenienced in.

I, now, stand on the other side and see the reasoning behind my parents' constant nagging. I can now empathize with the feeling - well, maybe not exactly in the same way but the same sentiments are there.

If you're planning to watch "THE BREAK UP", my advice is to wait for it to come out on DVD. It's a movie that flopped because the hype surrounding it built my expectations up and in the end, the actual movie wasn't that great. Kinda like "FINDING NEMO". In any case, "THE BREAK UP" left me feeling really cheated as it had a really bad ending. Still, there were lessons to take away from the show.

All my life, I've strived hard to be supportive and giving to the people I love. For the people who matter to me, I would move mountains and cross oceans, even at my own expense. I suppose on some level, a part of me takes joy in making someone happy, and on a subconscious more selfish reason, I'm seeking approval. Whatever the case, it's always heartbreaking when you're not appreciated. Sometimes, it's not that you do it to be thanked but a simple 'thank you' or acknowledgement can make that much of a difference.

I'm done breaking my back for others. I'm done with smiling on the outside while I'm bleeding inside. A part of me has come to realise that a true measure of friendship or any relationship is the other party's ability to accept me for who I am, the way I am. I'm not saying that everything I've done in the past has all been a farce, but I am saying that I'm done with being "Mary Sunshine" all the time. For once, I'm advocating being selfish. Not arrogantly so but on a necessity level that will enable me to put myself first. It's going to be hard to break old habits but for the sake of my self-esteem and self-improvement, I hope I can do it.

Independence has taught me that I didn't really need to lean that much on you, afterall.

Nina's birthday update

All together now...

And no, it's not the wrong picture; it's Nina's not Janice's birthday. *LOL*

There are some of us who in our bid to be considerate to the one we love, end up being selfish to the other people around; it's called being self-absorbed. And there's that other kind of selfishness that stems from being stubborn and strong-willed. People like that let their pride get in the way, making them selfish and a pain in the ass, because by their unwillingess to do things, others have to bend backwards to accomodate them. There's a third kind of person who displays the behavior of the second category but has the added quality of being self-delusional. Why do I say that? Because the person is able to fool themselves into thinking they are considerate but let's face facts: If I loved you enough, I would give you the answer you want to hear, and not the real answer.

I'm sad to say that I know someone with all of the above qualities. Not that said person is openly selfish but let's just say, I've had ample time to observe the person and this person is not as 'nice' or 'sweet' or 'wonderful' as many seem to think. It's the little things that all add up and all this person has shown me is a side that is ugly - spoilt, self-centered, annoying and inconsiderate.

I have one thing to say to this person: Grow up. The world does not revolve around you. Learn to compromise. There are just some things in life where you have to give in. You're not at the top of the hierarchy; learn to deal. You are nothing more than a selfish, spoilt brat.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NINA!!!

In the midst of the extremely stressful exam period, there was still time to celebrate Nina's special day, with lunch at Seoul Garden.

Korean BBQ was fantastic in lieu of today's freezing weather. *BRRRR* Stupid gale force winds...

p/s: I look like a right wanker with my glasses but hey, I've been sleepless for two months ok?

p/p/s: oh, and you'll see from the photos that the Big Kahuna aka Melvin Gwee is back.

I'll cross the sea for a different world,
With your treasure, a secret for me to hold

In many years they may forget
This love of ours or that we met,
They may not know
how much you meant to me.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

Without you now I see,
How fragile the world can be
And I know you've gone away
But in my heart you'll always stay.

-"I Cried For You" (Katie Melua)

A silver key tossed aside, lost in the jumble
Stuffed in a box hidden under the bed
Dust that lays thick across the cover
Forgotten memories locked away

Seasons pass and still the secrets
Remained safe under wraps
Other layers added to the pile
More things to be shut away

Fast forward to the present:
Throwing out the old to make
Way for the new; by chance,
It slips out and craftily evades
dismissal: What's this?

A silver key on a chain
Tarnished with age
Words engraved on the side
Worn smooth from anxious
Fingers of the past

Once upon a (happier) time
Etched clearly on the side:
"My heart will always be open to You";
A promise for a new beginning

Where did he who gave it go?
Leaving whilst I was unaware
Changing the lock as he went -
Was it all just a dream?

The silver key lost all it stood for
Nothing now but a bitter reminder
Of what it could not be:
Just another worthless trinket

I once held the key to unlock your heart; Does it work anymore?

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

-Father Alfred D'Souza

Last night, I lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep; all because a loved one had said some things to me that had left my heart feeling unsettled. It takes courage and a lot of love for one to criticize another and point out the flaws of a loved one: love makes you want the person to change so that the world may see the beauty in the person that you saw.

All my life, I've had family and loved ones constantly pick at my flaws. Criticism seems to be the the medium through which they show me their love. I don't doubt their good intentions but as we all know, the best-meaning intentions can still cut like a knife. The result is that I've grown up with an ego that needs perpetual stroking because it is trying to over-compensate for the insecurities that have built up from the constant criticism; through the well-meaning 'tough love' I've received, I've grown 'needy-grabbing' and attention-seeking.

For twenty years, I've anxiously seeked the approval of others. My need for validation stems from the deep-rooted belief that I'm a horrible person. Self-esteem is a powerful emotional tool. It can help you sail through the rough tides or it can immobilize you in fear and self-loathing; allowing you to drown because you don't think you deserve to 'live' or have that bit of happiness. Trying to please everyone is a tiresome task that can lead to the detriment of your soul and mental well-being. Instead of making things better, it drains you.

I was at lost at what to do. I looked around me in despair and I saw that my world was crumbling. Then, I chanced upon a speech by Teddy Roosevelt called "Citizenship in a Republic", a speech he had made at the Sorbonne in Paris on April 23, 1910:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

And it was with a saddened heart that I realised that I can die trying but I will never be able to please everyone, and all the pain and suffering I had subjected myself to was for naught. I decided that I needed to be a stronger person and come to accept some home truths: I can try my best but I can never be one of the meek. I will always be strong-willed and speak my mind. If it means losing some friends along the way, it is a reality that I will have to accept. But at the same time, it also made me appreciate all the more, the friends who have stood by me. I am not an easy person to befriend but if you stay the distance and see past my walls, you have earned yourself a loyal friend for life.

I am but an ordinary person who does her best to never intentionally hurt any of her loved ones and so I choose to follow the wisdom of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who said: "Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him." I do not excuse my behavior as being justified but it is a personal choice that I have made. In this life, there will be crowd-pleasers and those who stir the masses; it is rare to hold the ability to be both. I am what I am.

I also am aware that I am a perfectionist. I am neurotic to the point that it can annoy others. I also have high expectations of others because the expectations I have of myself are higher. For the longest time, this made me someone who judged others harshly. But I realised that this made me a hypocrite. All my life, I have abhorred those who have judged me based on first impressions and here I am, guilty of the same.

I will always remain my harshest critic. I will always be a control freak and be domineering in my nature but I made the conscious decision to try my best never to judge others. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, "I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin." Although my friends may have their flaws, I rarely choose to pick on them because I believe that true friendship means accepting your friends for their flaws as well. I don't think anyone has the right to pick on the flaws of others unless they themselves are perfect. As the Bible says, "let he who is sinless, cast the first stone." I am far from a saint. I have flaws. But I'd like to think that I have good points that have redeemed me in the eyes of the treasured few who have chosen to call themselves my friends.

N.B: This post has not been written with any intention of rebuking anyone. It is a mere reflection of my thoughts after the talk a loved one gave me. Any censure, offence or criticism that may be gleaned from this post is unintentional.

On Tuesday, a good friend, Eric, told me out of the blue, that he thinks I should find a stable boyfriend here in Melbourne. Although he also said that I'm very picky and that's why I'm still single. *BLEH* The next day, a friend of mine, who does palm reading, told me that a lot of life's lessons for me will be learnt through relationships.

To be honest, I think at times, I put too much weight on what a relationship could bring for me. I also think that although I want to be in one, I also do wonder if I'm really ready for one. Confusion reigns in my heart. All I know is, one is the loneliest number.

Albert Camus said it best in 'The Plague" :

"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face; the warmth and wonder of a loving heart."