Last night, I lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep; all because a loved one had said some things to me that had left my heart feeling unsettled. It takes courage and a lot of love for one to criticize another and point out the flaws of a loved one: love makes you want the person to change so that the world may see the beauty in the person that you saw.

All my life, I've had family and loved ones constantly pick at my flaws. Criticism seems to be the the medium through which they show me their love. I don't doubt their good intentions but as we all know, the best-meaning intentions can still cut like a knife. The result is that I've grown up with an ego that needs perpetual stroking because it is trying to over-compensate for the insecurities that have built up from the constant criticism; through the well-meaning 'tough love' I've received, I've grown 'needy-grabbing' and attention-seeking.

For twenty years, I've anxiously seeked the approval of others. My need for validation stems from the deep-rooted belief that I'm a horrible person. Self-esteem is a powerful emotional tool. It can help you sail through the rough tides or it can immobilize you in fear and self-loathing; allowing you to drown because you don't think you deserve to 'live' or have that bit of happiness. Trying to please everyone is a tiresome task that can lead to the detriment of your soul and mental well-being. Instead of making things better, it drains you.

I was at lost at what to do. I looked around me in despair and I saw that my world was crumbling. Then, I chanced upon a speech by Teddy Roosevelt called "Citizenship in a Republic", a speech he had made at the Sorbonne in Paris on April 23, 1910:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

And it was with a saddened heart that I realised that I can die trying but I will never be able to please everyone, and all the pain and suffering I had subjected myself to was for naught. I decided that I needed to be a stronger person and come to accept some home truths: I can try my best but I can never be one of the meek. I will always be strong-willed and speak my mind. If it means losing some friends along the way, it is a reality that I will have to accept. But at the same time, it also made me appreciate all the more, the friends who have stood by me. I am not an easy person to befriend but if you stay the distance and see past my walls, you have earned yourself a loyal friend for life.

I am but an ordinary person who does her best to never intentionally hurt any of her loved ones and so I choose to follow the wisdom of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who said: "Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him." I do not excuse my behavior as being justified but it is a personal choice that I have made. In this life, there will be crowd-pleasers and those who stir the masses; it is rare to hold the ability to be both. I am what I am.

I also am aware that I am a perfectionist. I am neurotic to the point that it can annoy others. I also have high expectations of others because the expectations I have of myself are higher. For the longest time, this made me someone who judged others harshly. But I realised that this made me a hypocrite. All my life, I have abhorred those who have judged me based on first impressions and here I am, guilty of the same.

I will always remain my harshest critic. I will always be a control freak and be domineering in my nature but I made the conscious decision to try my best never to judge others. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, "I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin." Although my friends may have their flaws, I rarely choose to pick on them because I believe that true friendship means accepting your friends for their flaws as well. I don't think anyone has the right to pick on the flaws of others unless they themselves are perfect. As the Bible says, "let he who is sinless, cast the first stone." I am far from a saint. I have flaws. But I'd like to think that I have good points that have redeemed me in the eyes of the treasured few who have chosen to call themselves my friends.

N.B: This post has not been written with any intention of rebuking anyone. It is a mere reflection of my thoughts after the talk a loved one gave me. Any censure, offence or criticism that may be gleaned from this post is unintentional.