White Trash Beautiful, Trailer Park Queen
She slings hash at the diner from 11 to 5
She married a boy from school, thought he was oh so cool
But all he can do for money is drive
Out late haulin' freight on Interstate 5,
prayin' he'll see home before his baby arrive

White Trash Beautiful, there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you
And you coulda found a better guy
I'll love you till the day I die I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl
He lights a cigarette, his eyes half open
He won't be home tonight, but she keeps hopin'
Drinkin himself to sleep is his only way of copein'
She waits for him every night, she leaves the front door open
It's 4 AM and doin 95, tryin to stay awake and make it home alive

White Trash Beautiful,
there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you
I know you coulda found a better guy
I'll love you till the day I die
I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl

Her lips say painted red, nametag's crooked
Her heart's been gone awhile with
the truck driving man that took it
He keeps her photograph on his rearview mirror
She prays for him every night,
she hopes that he can hear her

White Trash Beautiful,
there's something you should know
My heart belongs to you girl
I know you coulda found you some better guy
I'll love you till the day I die
I swear to God it's true
I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you girl
I'm comin' home to you

-"White Trash Beautiful"(Everlast)

It's been an excruciating two weeks...The sleepless nights; the events that deluged me like a House of Cards swept by the wind; assignments that never seemed to end, the list goes on.

Still, I guess my engine finally burnt out so yesterday and today, I took a couple of hours out of my hectic schedule to have some quality time. Me being me, the first step to distressing is always shopping, which I did some of yesterday AND today...All in all, I bought some nice tops and some DVDs as well.

But best of all, was the time I took to spend with some friends. They were mostly impromptu decisions but they made me feel really much better. I bumped into Koa at uni yesterday and while I was out shopping at Melbourne Central last night, I decided to wait till Koa knocked off work and we had dinner at Ito. Later on, Waiying cajoled me to go to her place eventhough it was like 2 in the morning. She even came to pick me up and drove me back. I was at her place for only an hour or so but just sitting there in her apartment with Waiying, Gene, Chuan and Noel just helped me to forget for just that little while how stressed out and tired I was.

Today, Sami and Asish came to dinner and it was fun to just sit and chill for awhile. I'm ashamed to say that today's dinner was the first proper meal I had in two weeks. Even so, I didn't eat that much. That certainly would explain how I lost 5 kg in about 3 weeks or so. Still, it's not good....I'm so sleep-deprived and exhausted that I had to cut my hair off today. It was falling like mad and I had to do something before I went bald. It feels weird though cos' my hair's been its previous length since I was 18... But I digress.

Sami and Asish were really good company and I thought it was so sweet and funny that Sami kept thanking me for dinner. Asish just made me feel so embarrassed by his very vocal approval of my cooking. (it's not that great...) Despite numerous thanks, he still texted me when he went home. Sami's always had the ability to make me laugh. Maybe it's his funny accent or just what he says but I know when he says 'Hello Dawn' or 'Hi Dawnie' to me, it puts a smile on my face. And the hug he gave me goodbye made me feel a little better. Oh well...And before you guys speculate, I'm not moving from one coursemate to another. No funny business going on here...Sami is like an older brother to me. *Sticks tongue out*

All in all, I'm still stressed and exhausted but at least I'm trying to deal. I may be in a down cycle but it's plateau-d and should be heading uphil...soon (fingers crossed).

THANK YOU to the wonderful friends who have been there for me...Esp Yvie who has been my emotional support so much lately.

She said what she wants is a man to be faithful
A true heart somebody willin' and able
To stay by her side through thick and thin
A tender touch every now and then

She's not hung up on fairy tales
Or some dream at the bottom of a wishin' well
Fancy cars or diamond rings
What she wants most are the little things

That's what she gets
That's what she gets
That's what she gets for loving me

At times I lay awake at night
Stare at her laying by my side
Knowin' there in her heart as she sleeps
She can forever count on me

That's what she gets
That's what she gets
That's what she gets for loving me


Whatever turns her on
I'm here to do it
Till the day they write my name in stone
I'll live to prove it

That's what she gets
That's what she gets
That's what she gets for loving me

That's what she gets
That's what she gets
That's what she gets for loving me

-"That's what she gets for loving me" (Brooks & Dunn)

You can't give what (little) I ask for...

The seconds tick by slowly...
Four a.m - the city is asleep
I lay in bed, my eyes squeezed shut
Trying to capture precious moments of rest
Another full day before me
So much to do so many places to be
Seven a.m - the sun's rose above
On the streets below, cars are driving past
While the thoughts were tumbling in my mind
I lost my sense of time.
No rest yet again, but still there are things
That must be done. A growing list
That never diminishes...

And the growing looks of concern
Start to wear me down. Tired from
pretending that I'm fine. Pasting a sickly smile
To assure them... But I'm not ok inside.
I need them to leave me alone.

I need time away from everything and everyone. So many expectations of me, so many obligations. Every day more things to worry about and more things to do. I'm rushing around trying to do everything but things just pile up rather than diminish.

I was so scared to stop even to breathe but now that I've come to a crashing halt from exhaustionn, my nerves are just shattered. I need to unload the emotional burdens that have been building up.

This dam within me is starting to crack. I'm losing my sanity and sense of me.

I woke up a couple of mornings ago with a heavy heart. For no rhyme or reason, I felt this sinking feeling of dread, a pit in my stomach that seemed to grow heavier as the day grew longer. And I couldn't shake that feeling. I talked to a friend and out of the blue, I mentioned that if HE were to find someone, I would be devastated.

So, it came to be that even though an ocean and the equator separates us, there's a line that connects my heart to his. A phone call home the day before confirmed my greatest fear; HE HAS found someone to love and that girl is not me.

The final thread holding the pieces of my heart together broke and I wept for the pain and regret for what could have been but now can never be. I've lost that last glimmer of hope.

My skies are turning grey...
No sign of the sun,
Only rain.

I think it's time I accept that I'd always be an afterthought to you(s). Whether it's intentional or not, my heart (and ego) can no longer stand being taken for granted or only included under an 'umbrella' invitation.

That is not who I am. I am selfish and demanding, yes. But there are people out there who love me enough to put me first. I can't always be first in everyone's hearts but I also don't have to keep hanging around begging for 'scraps from your table'.

I'm sorry but I need to take a break from you. You(s) break my heart with your actions or rather lack of action.

I'm completely exhausted.

I just can't deal with the resulting feelings of rejection, upset and the countless questions of 'Why not me?' and 'What's wrong with me?'. It's too much to deal with now.

I need time to breathe and just be me.

I hate that he's playing games. I hate it enough that I'm backing out of the game. When I saw him yesterday, he had backpedalled so fast into the platonic and it was weird. Whatever. I got my group assignment done, I did another group assignment and then I went home. It was honestly such a blow to the self-esteem. You think a guy likes you, you wait for him to make a move and nada...being girls, you start questioning "WHY NOT ME?" and it really bites.

I turned up at Cyn's and Yvie's at about four thirty and things just went uphill from there. It was a lovely evening of good food (Cynthia and Yvie Rock!), good company (I just love tori, steve, abby, irina and mary...) and lots of booze (always good). It got pretty hilarious towards the end, especially after Mike and Gab left and it was just Steve and the girls left.

THANK YOU, Yvie and Cyn. I really needed a night in like that. :)

Why are you playing games with me?

[edit:] Karma is coming back to bite me on my ass. In the past, I used to tell my guy friends this sure-fire way of getting a girl; basically, you keep calling a girl and paying attention to her but make no demands. And just as she gets used to having you call her all the time, you stop calling her. Since life is a tango, when you take a step back, she's gonna take a step forward. So now, the bargaining power is transferred to you. I'm being punished for giving my guy friends an inside road because the table's been turned and now the game is being played on me.

WHY????????? Just make a bloody move already!

p/s: totally random but I just realised that he and my dad uses the same aftershave. Ahaha. Oh gosh...this is fully sick.

I was so farkin' wrong...

I think realizing it made me feel as if my heart had taken a leap off the Himalayas. I could have cried there and then at the moment it hit me.

But it's something I can't control. I just wished I hadn't been wrong. The signs were pointing at it but somehow or another, I still read them wrong.

I'm the biggest idiot.

The disappointment is excruciating. Honestly. If I had been right, it would have been beautiful. I haven't lost all but I wish I'd could have had that much more.

T minus 16 minutes...

What's gonna happen tonight?

I'm so confused now...Why do I feel all jittery inside?

What if it isn't what I think it is? I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride and there's no stop button.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

(www.postsecret.blogspot.com)


This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

A part of me is so reluctant to step off the ledge and take that plunge into new territory. I know that with life, reaching new depths is an essential part of the growing experience. So why do I feel so leery?

I built these walls around me a long time ago because I decided then that no one was going to take care of me and that I'd have to do it myself. Now, there's an opportunity for someone to catch me when I fall and, I'm scared.

Only time will tell if you'll catch me or if I'd fall into darkness.

So, starting the Masters' program this year opened up a whole new world for me. It's alot more independent learning than anything else. But beyond that, it opened up a whole new world of people to meet. I've always had trouble interacting with the opposite sex. The friends I do make are ones that I've known for years. Anyway, since starting the masters', I've actually managed to make a few more guy friends. It's only been about half a semester but it's been going quite well, so far...

Anyway, I met this one person on the first day and we've been getting along quite well. Thing is, for the life of me, I can't figure out if he's just flirty or he likes me. There have been some signals but it's hard for me to tell. Subtlety is lost on me. I need someone to smack me across the side of my head with a giant salmon (metaphorically, of course!) before I get it.

I guess only time will tell if I'm picking up the right vibes or being a total ego-maniac and imagining the whole thing. I'll see how it goes before I even consider whether or not I want to go out with him.

ARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm back from Sydney and revelling in the sweet sinfulness of Krispy Kremes. But beyond that, I've found my new hottie; I present to you.... CHANNING TATUM.

Pass the tampon...Stupid nosebleed. (You'll have to watch SHE'S THE MAN to get it.)

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this

You gotta
Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know

That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift
Pick up now...
Pick up now...

-"Lift (Shannon Noll)

I will keep silent from now on...
Because my words hurt rather than heal.

The best intentions often don't lead to the ideal results. Meddling is something one should not do unless they are good at it. I clearly suck at it. Instead of helping a situation, I've gone and made it worse and I've ended up hurting someone dear to me.

I'm only human. I make mistakes and I slip up. No matter how sorry I feel, it doesn't change things. You can't go back in the past and change what's been written in stone. All I can hope is that the spring showers will come and wash away all the dirt.

In the meantime, I understand if you need time away from me. Just know that I never had any malicious intentions when I meddled and I didn't do it for self-gain.

My maiden attempt was disastrous and I don't intend to venture forth in this arena anymore. No matter how much it upsets me, I will not get involved in battles that are not mine to fight.

I need to start being more mature in the way I handle things.

It is sad when foes fight but there is no greater tragedy when there is dissent amongst friends.

I think it's the easiest thing to do in the world to just whine and complain, and ask, "WHY ME?" It's a common reaction for human beings. Many of us fail to look beyond the 'me, myself and I' syndrome to actually ask ourselves why we have landed ourselves in such a predicament. If we do actually reach this stage, we often paint a flattering self-portrait, that puts us in the place of they martyr who has been made to suffer injustices.

It's not unfair to say that some of us are justified in our portrayals of ourselves as victims or martyrs, but more often than not, we have had a hand in landing ourselves in such positions. When we're angry at others or just don't feel comfortable with what others have done, the most convenient thing to do is to take up the defensive position, and even the offensive, if we feel that we're at the losing end. But let's stop and think...

Is the person really wrong? Could I have contributed to the situation. In any situation, we can extrapolate the cause-and-effect relationship to from the basic chemical reaction. Two elements will not react in a vacuum; it takes two parties to get a reaction.

So, while we're busy being angry at friends, acquaintances or foes over issues - major or minor, let's put the anger aside for awhile and actually consider if the issue is worth being angry over. When we're angry, it's easy to forget the other wonderful things that the person has done for us. We often put ourselves first, thinking that we have done no wrong and are entirely justified in our anger.

Wrong...that's arrogance and an inflated sense of self-importance.

We may have angered the person as well (and in the past) but we won't know if the person has chosen to let it slide or given in because they have decided that holding one bad point amongst your myriad other good points, against you is just petty and juvenile.

People don't voice alot of their thoughts because they don't want to hurt the ones they love.

J.F Kennedy once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

It's a grandoise statement that seems silly to apply to our relationships. But think of it this way, friendships/relationships should not be about what the person can do for us. It's not about getting angry over the minor issues. It's about helping each other out and not keeping score. It's about loving people, flaws and all. It's about accepting the way they are, even if we don't understand or agree. My grandmother used to say that it's better to give ten dollars and receive only seven in return.

Throw away the old scoreboard. It's not worth it in the grand scheme of things.

We need to stop complaining and start appreciating those around us.

These words that are left unsaid;
An anger that lingers in the air...
Even unseen, the tension feels thick

Invisible fingers that squeeze around my throat
And the words that seep into my mind
The little doubts pushing their way
Further and further into my heart

Fear and insecurity, hand in hand
They dance with glee upon fragile ground.
Trust like fine-spun webs, they break
Easily like new ice

I teeter dangerously on the tight rope
Hostile faces on either side, confrontational
If I fall, where do I go...
Who will catch me?

Man is selfish. This is a fact that we cannot dispute. At the end of the day, it always boils down to these questions:

What about me? What do I gain from this?

Give me more. Gimme, Gimme, Gimme.

This is what human nature is essentially made of. We cannot deny it. It's the survival instinct.
So beyond our own selfisness, there is the selfishness of others to consider.

You can hope for something and want something. But unless you are of some worth to the person, you're not likely going to get it from someone. It's all about the hierarchy: How high up on the order do you feature? Enough to warrant the person pandering to your whims and fancies?

I can whine all I want. Complain and feel hurt inside. But in the end, what I say will fall on your deaf ears because I'm so far down on your hierarchy that my existence barely features in your life.

This is my distopia.

In a room crowded with people, I feel alone. Pushed aside to the sidelines, forgotten only till something is needed of me or a stray pang of guilt hits and I surface once again on your subconscious.

I am tired of tired of this. For awhile now, I have tried to convince myself not to be such an attention whore, to demand that you give me your full attention (if only for a brief while) but it has become clear to me that even such a request will go unmet. It's not I haven't tried. Lord knows, I've tried...Enough to start to wonder if I've reached the echelons of desperation and over-eagerness.

I am not a cigarette lighter.
I am not there to fill in the empty spaces.
I am someone who does not enjoy having my feet stepped on countlessly.

I do not like being pushed to the side to be forgotten.
I do not want your pity either.

You leave me out of group pictures.
You ignore me and ask everyone else.
You exclude me when you pass over me.

How does that make me feel?

Am I a petty little bitch?

Maybe.

But you know, just because I don't fit the conventional mold, it doesn't mean you can treat me like this. I've given wholeheartedly in hope that you'll give me at least half in return. I've offered my friendship at every turn: I've been there when you needed help even when you don't ask: I've taken a step forward many times...

What did I get?

Nothing.

I'm demanding, yes...

But Fuck it. I deserve so much more.

So....for now, I choose to step aside gracefully lest I make an even greater unwelcome fool of myself.

I WILL NOT BE A TAG-ALONG.

People may say that I'm being overtly sensitive and way too bitter and cynical. But I've learnt that even the sweetest, kindest boy can say he'll be your lover and your best friend, but when the night is over, whatever promises he made will fade away like an alcholic haze in the bright light of day. Words mean nothing when your actions are in contradiction of them. It doesn't require much extrapolation to apply it to friendships as well.