In a room crowded with people, I feel alone. Pushed aside to the sidelines, forgotten only till something is needed of me or a stray pang of guilt hits and I surface once again on your subconscious.

I am tired of tired of this. For awhile now, I have tried to convince myself not to be such an attention whore, to demand that you give me your full attention (if only for a brief while) but it has become clear to me that even such a request will go unmet. It's not I haven't tried. Lord knows, I've tried...Enough to start to wonder if I've reached the echelons of desperation and over-eagerness.

I am not a cigarette lighter.
I am not there to fill in the empty spaces.
I am someone who does not enjoy having my feet stepped on countlessly.

I do not like being pushed to the side to be forgotten.
I do not want your pity either.

You leave me out of group pictures.
You ignore me and ask everyone else.
You exclude me when you pass over me.

How does that make me feel?

Am I a petty little bitch?

Maybe.

But you know, just because I don't fit the conventional mold, it doesn't mean you can treat me like this. I've given wholeheartedly in hope that you'll give me at least half in return. I've offered my friendship at every turn: I've been there when you needed help even when you don't ask: I've taken a step forward many times...

What did I get?

Nothing.

I'm demanding, yes...

But Fuck it. I deserve so much more.

So....for now, I choose to step aside gracefully lest I make an even greater unwelcome fool of myself.

I WILL NOT BE A TAG-ALONG.

People may say that I'm being overtly sensitive and way too bitter and cynical. But I've learnt that even the sweetest, kindest boy can say he'll be your lover and your best friend, but when the night is over, whatever promises he made will fade away like an alcholic haze in the bright light of day. Words mean nothing when your actions are in contradiction of them. It doesn't require much extrapolation to apply it to friendships as well.