So, 28th March, Tuesday was the 21st birthday of a good mate of mine. This is him holding the cake that I baked for him. I thought it was a little silly for a 21st present but he seemed really thrilled with it. He even commented that it looked like a HUGE tiny teddy. Haha. But anyway, a big HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY to KOA!!!!!!!!!

Today, I drove two of my friends from the masters' program to the Belgian Beer Cafe on St. Kilda's Road for some mussels and beer. Except, cos' I was driving on my P's, I couldn't drink. Vinay (the wussy) doesn't drink. So it was just Asish drinking. Lucky thing. Haha.

Then, Eric called and we drove to Stoker's for pancakes. Hmmm...It's been a yummy day. *DROOL*

Incidentally, I was reading Nina's blog and she put up pictures of an undeniable hottie JAMES FRANCO. *DROOL* However, today I was introduced to another guy who is extremely hot.

Ladies, (and guys who are so inclined) I present to you.... JOHN ABRAHAM

Eeeeeee....the dimples.

My nose is bleeding now. Someone hand me the tissues...

Stupid Bipasha...Why have you deprived the world (namely me) of him....Oh why????

Everyday I struggle. I struggle to find my place in the world...And the hardest part for me has always been learning to discern whether I'm welcome or not. Sometimes, I can be a little pushy but it's only because I mean well. True, I'm an open book whose emotions are clearly on show but if you read between the lines, you'll see: the insecurities that leave me feeling anxious and unsure.

I worry that I won't know when someone is talking about me. I can't take hints. I need people to tell me things directly. That's just how I am, incapable of picking up on the subtle hints or nuances of those around me.

I want to stop worrying if people like me or not or worry about whether I have subconsciously offended someone. Why can't people just say what they mean or hold in their hearts? I do my best not to be a liability to others or a unwanted burden that they have to carry, because they're too nice to tell me to get lost.

I just want to be happy. The way I am. But it's so hard.

Anger is a wasted emotion...

Because at the end of the day, I'm the only one left feeling hurt. So, there's no point to my anger. I just wished I didn't trust so easily. I hate that I'm always the one left trying to pick up the broken pieces.

You've hurt me, but I'm still your friend. I don't know if I'm being stupid but I'd always forgive.

(this entry has been deleted. one hurt person is better than two.)

Take off the rose-tinted glasses and view the world around you...
Can you accept the world in all its glory (and ugliness)?

Everyday, you wake up to a world of doubts, fears and other things you wish you didn't have to face but the world keeps going even if you are reluctant to step into it.

Faith...
To believe even though everything is telling me not to.

Trust...
To know you'd catch me if I fall.

Love...
To accept despite the impefections.

This is what I need in building relationships. I will not let doubt shadow or tarnish the sanctity of my friendships. I was swept away by the tides and confused but I now hold the answers in my heart.

You are worth so much more...and I treasure you.

I went to the Werribee Zoo today with a bunch of people. It was an interesting experience. Unfortunately, the zoo itself wasn't that great. It was dusty, dirty and the animals were a bit of a disappointment. Still, I've never been before, so that was pretty cool.

I was lucky to ride with the guys because we didn't have to squeeze six to a car; it was just Brian, Mike, Gentry and me in Steve's car. Plus, I got to sit in the front, so yay for me! I think the guys were really tired though cos' Gentry, Brian and Mike were sleeping in the back. I got some funny pictures of that on my phone but I just gotta figure out how to transfer the pictures to my computer. Haha.

Went for Streetlife Vision Night after and did coffee with Suelee, Cyn, Yvie, Nina, Jo, Sarah and Jus after that at Addix. I was glad to finally be able to share my plan for a charity event. I'm really inspired and I just hope that it'd be go through and it'd be a success.

And now, the TV beckons. I can't sleep till my sheets are washed. My poor bed. Never has it ever been so desecrated. It used to be a one-woman bed. *SIGH*

I'm done with double-dealing, hypocrisy and deceit.

I offered (and still offer) to you my friendship with out-stretched hands. With it, I bring my trust. I want to believe you would not hurt me thus. But right now, you're making me feel like I'm a fool to keep giving you the benefit of doubt. I don't want to throw our friendship away or let the minutiae come between us but right now, it's the little things that are add up. They're chipping away steadily at the rock of our friendship. I don't know if you realise it or not... Things aren't ok. They just seem that way because I rather let sleeping dogs lie.

Please, show me that you're really my friend.

All's well in my world...

It may seem like a silly thing to say but I've been having such a hectic (and very stressful) time since I touched down in Melbourne. It's been a real roller-coaster ride. I never realised how overwrought and stressed out I was till yesterday. I had a huge argument with my dad and basically fell into pieces.

I turned pyscho (a lot of hysterical weeping involved). My poor mother was so worried that she called four times in the space of 16 hours to make sure I was ok. And my brother sent me some really sweet messages that were really encouraging. I'm really touched by his concern (and Mimi's as well.) Well, I'm happy to say everything's fine again.

Of course, I had another little drama today...but thanks to Eric and Janice, I was ok. This would actually be a very good time to say a huge Thank You to Eric. Since I came back, he's done alot of stuff for me like fixing up stuff for me, bringing me around to get stuff and some other stuff as well. He's like my superhero. That's not to say that Janice hasn't been a big help either. But Eric is really awesome. Thanks so much, "Kor". *LOL*

I guess, I'm really lucky. Good friends are worth their weight in diamonds and I'm lucky to have a few of them: Eric, Janice, Nina, Sarah, Celine and Mimi, just to name a few. You guys are really GOD's blessings to me. :)

Well, all that's left is to say what's been bugging me. I've been more upset about it than I realized. So, I think I'm just gonna say it, just so I can let go.

Kelvin, what you said really really hurt me. I think you could have said 10,000 other things but you chose to say the one thing that would hurt me the most. No matter how angry you get, there are some things you just shouldn't say. Nobody deserves to be called a 'f**king life-long liability'. I never said I would depend on you financially or otherwise. You made me feel so shitty and worthless. I'll never be able to forgive you for that. So, this is it. We're done.

And now...I start the process of healing.

they don't understand.
I don't think they ever will.
And there's just no point in trying anymore.
They don't know how it makes me feel
Everytime they say it.
A piece of me dies everytime I hear it
And the pain is something that haunts me
Long after the moment.
There are nights when I can't sleep
Because I worry:
I worry that tomorrow is the day that
They decide they don't love me anymore.

And then I will be alone.
What do I do then?

I give up.
I'll be silent from now on and do
What they want.
If I have to be someone I'm not
Just to make them love me,
I will be that person.

It doesn't matter anymore.

I'm sick of your lies and your hypocrisy.

You may think your little knife is small but I can still feel it stabbing my back. When you call yourself my friend...

Are you really?

Since I’ve touched down in Melbourne, I’ve been under a lot of stress and have been perpetually tired. It’s been a real struggle trying to keep it together. But I tried the best I could. Unfortunately, on Monday, I lost my grip and sunk under for awhile. I’ve never been one to give in to my weaker side. I don’t believe in showing any sign of weakness to the world and having given my friends a rare showing of my vulnerable state – I felt awkward and horribly embarrassed. But at the same time, it was cathartic to be able to let out all the pent-up hurt and anguish that has been wallowing inside of me. It must have been quite a scare for my friends but I’m truly thankful that the ones, who were there to witness it, were good friends, and ones who have been consistently supportive of me.

It hasn’t been easy letting go or forgetting the pain. This hurt…it left a huge gaping hole in my heart. In 2004, someone hurt me really badly as well. I got burnt pretty badly and till this day, I don’t think I could ever trust that person again. However, this time round, the stakes were higher and what I lost, it will take me a long time to recover from. This past week, I’ve been hit by frequent sporadic bouts of maudlin and depression. The need to just lie in bed under the covers, has never been stronger. But still, I soldier on. Or at least, I try.

I want to forget and let go. So, I try to keep myself busy. I hang out with my friends or go out. Anything to avoid being alone and left to my thoughts. But there’s just so much time I can spend with others and the nights are always my own. I tell myself not to succumb to foolish behavior or do anything self-destructive. So far so good, but it’s been so tempting. So. Very. Tempting.

Today I went to the Mornington Peninsula to pick strawberries with Nina, Sarah, Jo, Siew, Steph, Eric, Janice, Henna and Erica. It was a full day of activities which ended with dinner with Eric, Janice, Henna and Brian. With only 1.5 hours of sleep the previous night, I hope that the fun memories of today and the physical exhaustion will block out any thoughts of you.

I want to move on. I want to stop hurting so much. I want to stop pretending to be ok. I want to BE OK.

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes, you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes, you just have to walk away -
walk away and head for the door. We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away,
walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

-"Walk Away"(Ben Harper)

(What do you do when you know something's bad for you but you still can't let go?)
I was naive, your love was like candy
artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely
And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need
To walk away from
Yeaah...I need to get away from you,
need to walk away from you
get away, walk away, walk away. . .
I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke,
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds,
but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce, but darlin' you hold me prisoner
Oh, I'm about to break, I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure, and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
Oh, I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return,
what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn,
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
yeahh...I need to get away from you,
need to walk away from you
Every time I try to gasp for air
I am smothered in despair
It's never over, over, oh oh. . .
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,
I let out a silent prayer. . .
Let it be over, oh. . .
Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more
Now what to do, my heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true, each beat reminds me of you
It hurts my soul, cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in, I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back to the one thing that I need

-"Walk away"(Christina Aguilera)

We're done.