[[*A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face; the warmth and wonder of a loving heart*]]
- "The Plague" by Albert Camus
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Since I’ve touched down in Melbourne, I’ve been under a lot of stress and have been perpetually tired. It’s been a real struggle trying to keep it together. But I tried the best I could. Unfortunately, on Monday, I lost my grip and sunk under for awhile. I’ve never been one to give in to my weaker side. I don’t believe in showing any sign of weakness to the world and having given my friends a rare showing of my vulnerable state – I felt awkward and horribly embarrassed. But at the same time, it was cathartic to be able to let out all the pent-up hurt and anguish that has been wallowing inside of me. It must have been quite a scare for my friends but I’m truly thankful that the ones, who were there to witness it, were good friends, and ones who have been consistently supportive of me.
It hasn’t been easy letting go or forgetting the pain. This hurt…it left a huge gaping hole in my heart. In 2004, someone hurt me really badly as well. I got burnt pretty badly and till this day, I don’t think I could ever trust that person again. However, this time round, the stakes were higher and what I lost, it will take me a long time to recover from. This past week, I’ve been hit by frequent sporadic bouts of maudlin and depression. The need to just lie in bed under the covers, has never been stronger. But still, I soldier on. Or at least, I try.
I want to forget and let go. So, I try to keep myself busy. I hang out with my friends or go out. Anything to avoid being alone and left to my thoughts. But there’s just so much time I can spend with others and the nights are always my own. I tell myself not to succumb to foolish behavior or do anything self-destructive. So far so good, but it’s been so tempting. So. Very. Tempting.
Today I went to the Mornington Peninsula to pick strawberries with Nina, Sarah, Jo, Siew, Steph, Eric, Janice, Henna and Erica. It was a full day of activities which ended with dinner with Eric, Janice, Henna and Brian. With only 1.5 hours of sleep the previous night, I hope that the fun memories of today and the physical exhaustion will block out any thoughts of you.
I want to move on. I want to stop hurting so much. I want to stop pretending to be ok. I want to BE OK.
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