Today's been a busy day. I was up till late last night watching the last of 'MY LOVELY SAMSOON'. It was a pretty lovely show although Nina thinks that the ending sucks. Well, I guess it was kinda disappointing that there was no wedding. HMPF. Anyway, I was up early despite not having slept well and being rudely awakened in the morning by a certain message.

Eric and Janice came by to take me to the Volkswagen showroom in Commercial Road to test drive the Golf FSI 2.0. It was really really good. Unfortunately, I can't afford it. *SIGH*

Next, it was off to pick Nina and Sarah up and then we went to Ikea to buy stuff. I bought another bookcase, a full-length mirror (finally!) and some hangers.

ERIC is like SUPERMAN. He lifted everything for us and then came over to hang up my mirror and Picasso print for me. I'm really grateful to have a good friend like that who would go all out to help. It may not be much, but it means alot to me. :)

All in all, it's been a good day... I got an awesome gift today.

FINALLY!

The nightmare has ended. I've gotten my enrolment and subject selection settled. I've been given a pretty decent timetable with 3 hours a day, four times a week and fridays off. Plus, my classes either start at 1p.m or 2p.m and they are all in three hours blocks, and in either Eco-Comm building or Babel. I shouldn't complain right? I just feel sad that I now no longer have Mondays off. *SIGH*

On the bright side, with all my classes in just one place, it means I can wear heels to uni. Damn to the huge calves. I can't live without my heels.

On a sadder note, my temporary housemates are moving out tomorrow. This past week has been very enjoyable for me and I'll be very sad to see them go. *SOBS*

You think you're shielding me when you tell me lies
All you do is hurt me further because
True honesty is the real sign of friendship

I'm tired of it. Please. Just stop it.

Someday I will ask you if I was a disappointment
I will ask you if you put your hard earned money into a bad investment
You will tell me there are no garauntees but you
Got solutions for security
And I will ask you, I would ask you
How about my dreams
But you say life is a battlefield and you have
Given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on
Someday I will ask myself if I was disillusioned
I will ask myself, if I have proven
That I made it on my own terms
Yeah I may have suffered some burns but I am
Living my dreams and am who I wanna be
But you say life is a battlefield and you have
Given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on
On this path that youve tread
On this map, that is yours
Well I have to say, have to say, have to say
That I can't fight your war, I can't fight your war
But you say life is a battlefield and you have
Given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on
Hey yeah oh oh oh
This is your battlefield
This is my life that youre asking for
This is my life that you wanted much
More then yours
But you say life is a battlefield and you have
Given me the arms
You say I have to fight
I have to keep moving on
(this is your battlefield, this is your, this is your battlefield)

-"Your Battlefield"(Susie Suh)

Other than the nightmare that has been my enrolment process, today was a relatively pleasant day. I was told by my parents to go recce some cars for purchase when my dad comes down in April. So, I dutifully went down to Mazda and Volkswagen to look at cars. I even test-drove the Mazda 2 and 3.

While the Mazda 3 is lovely, I'm totally in love with the Volkswagen Golf. All in all, I was rather happy.

Then, I find out that my parents are playing the stupid CARROT ON THE STICK game with me. Buying a car in Australia is not something you can do with a snap of your fingers. If you have serious intentions, you need to order your car in advance. What is the point of waiting to my brother comes down to buy the car? Is there some magical presence that he has that HE HAS TO BE HERE before my dad can buy a car???????? His trip in April is just redundant then. I feel so peeved right now.

Did anyone consider me in this entire equation?????

So Beautiful
Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

And darlin' you know
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful
Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found

You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand
You are..

So Beautiful
Yeah darlin' you know!
That you make me feel so beautiful

-"So Beautiful"(Darren Hayes)

Thanks to Nina, this song is stuck in my head. It's a beautiful song (no pun intended)

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night
(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love
Now I know I've got to
Run away
I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way
(chorus...)
Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)

-"Tainted Love"(Soft Cell)

2006 is a year to stop looking. It's been a fruitless 21 years of searching and constant beration. Now, I just want to sit back and follow Insus Naturae (whims of nature).

I fight my demons everyday
They come and go they up and flow
Like the ocean
You think you know me and you know me
But you dont know
How scared I am
So I like to make excuses, and I like to blame everyone else
And I like to point my finger at you
Rather then change myself
It's just each day goes by so fast
I cant seem to grasp them
And I tend to run away from my reflection
You see I am, so petrified, to be god-like
So I like to make excuses
And I like to blame everyone else
And I like to point my finger at you, rather then change myself
Ha-ah, ha-ah...So I like to make excuses
And I like to blame everyone else
And I like to point my finger at you
Rather then change myself
So I like to make excuses
And I like to blame everyone else
And I like to point my finger at you
Rather then change myself

-"Petrified to be God-like"(Susie Suh)

I hate it when my insecurities rears its ugly head. But there are times when I feel that maybe these fears aren't unfounded. When the evidence hits you smack in the face, do you take the higher road and try to be gracious? Do you lie to yourself and pretend that it's not what you think it is and make like it's all ok?

The biggest struggle I face is to swallow the initial feelings of hurt that I feel. To rearrange my face so that I'm not such an open book. Because I don't want to fall into self-pity mode. Maybe in the past, I've been too sensitive and so you take pains to hide from me what you are doing. But I get it. I can't expect to be included in everything. Of course it will always hurt when you find out something like that but how you deal with it, makes a big difference.

So maybe sometimes I feel like I don't belong. But I guess, I gotta learn how to stop letting it show.

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favorite work of art
Is your figure less than Greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?
But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentine's day

-"My funny valentine" (Frank Sinatra)

Today being Valentine's Day and all, I celebrated by sleeping in till 1.45p.m and then I went to get my eyelashes extended again (this time at the cheaper rate of 50 bucks) and my eyebrows trimmed for 5 bucks!!! SO CHEAP!!!!!!!!!! By the time I was done, it was 5.30pm.

Then, it was home with me for dinner with the family. My brother can't come out of camp tomorrow so it was the last time I'll see him before he goes back to Melbourne in late May. Next, I frantically tried to pack all my stuff. Fortunately, I managed to cram everything into two luggages and two drag-ons. I hope Eric's car will be able to fit my stuff when he (and Janice) comes to pick me up. Hee hee hee. THANK YOU AGAIN for the ride!!!!!

Later, I followed my Dad to send my brother back to camp.

All in all, it was an ordinary day. As far from Valentine's Day as you can get.

But the day could have been different.

It could have been me dressed up in a slinky dress, sky-high heels, with my hair curled and my make up on.

It could have been me with the huge bouquet of Camillas and Lilies, and a box of Godiva's chocolates.

It could have been me sitting in a Mercedes SL600, being driven to a candle-lit dinner at some swanky restaurant at One Fullerton or one of the better hotels.

It could have been me walking along the Esplanade hand-in-hand with a good-looking guy.

It could have been a romantic night.

I could have had a Valentine.

But I don't take what's mine.
And all of the above isn't mine.
It could be.
If only he wasn't with her.
Then, maybe...we'll see.

And im thinking to myself
Where did all the time go
And why can't I remember
What it was like when I was young
Seasons change
And you grow a little older
And my heart grows a little colder
Nothing stays the same
The past becomes the future
Seasons change

And I'm thinking to myself
I gotta make a big decision today and
I hope I choose a better tomorrow
Rather then a better yesterday
Seasons change
And you grow a little older
You grow a little wiser
No one stays the same
Seasons change

Only the cherry blossoms they bloom again (x2)
They will bloom, they will bloom

-"season changes"(susie suh)


So, yesterday was the official end to Chinese New Year. We had a big dinner at home for family and friends. It was the last time I'd see my relatives till Christmas. I will miss them. In one year, alot can happen...

I was just sad that some of the people I hold dear, weren't able to celebrate it with me. Edwin was away on a trip to Bali and Estee is still in the US. Another friend has distanced herself and turned down all my invitations to meet up this entire vacation. But it wasn't all sad because there were more than a few good friends who did turn up.

My summer vacation of 05/06 is officially drawing to a close. It's been a good three months. I've learnt who are the ones who are likely to stick by me through thick and thin. It still surprises me how when I least expect it, it is these stoic friends who have shown their love for me.

I was a little peeved with a friend of mine over a little issue. And when I texted to apologize, I was surprised when he called back immediately to apologize and insist that it was his fault and not mine. I was touched that he would care that I was peeved. Even over a minor manner. And I guess, it showed me the extent of how kind this friend of mine could be.

Another friend whom I've known for sometime, I've never really talked to him much over the years but these past few months, he's opened up more towards me and I'm starting to see a side of him I never saw before.

And these are the treasures of my life; the old friends that you grew up with...the ones who have formed an invisible platform of support beneath you; you may never notice it ordinarily but it's there. Ready to hold you up when your foundation is crumbling or weak.

Over the weekend, I did a lot of driving and last night, when I sent Amy, Erik and Weihe home, I realised that I've improved my driving vastly since I passed my driving test. I finally found the confidence I needed.

Today was my last session at the gym with my trainer. I haven't lost a miraculous amount of weight but I'm getting started and I'm pleased with the little headway I've made...

It's a sad time to be leaving.

Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me

Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me
Why don't I think before I speak
I should have listened to that voice inside me
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
To say the kind of things I said last night

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me

Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see

Why did I let you walk away
When all I had to do was say I'm sorry
I let my pride get in the way
And in the heat of the moment I was to blame
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
Now in the cold light of the day I realize

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall

-"Mirror Mirror" (M2M)

Sometimes the things we say don't come out the way we mean them to; A mere slip of the tongue or the onset of anathria can hurt the people we never meant to hurt. Even if the other party may have been overtly-sensitive, the point is that we never want to hurt the ones we love (even if we don't realise that they are beloved in our hearts.)

I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know if that will just make things worse.

So, today I had lunch with Eric and Janice *BIG YAY*. I haven't seen Janice and Eric in awhile. I can't believe we're all heading back to Melbourne already. Another new school year..I hope this year will bring more joy and laughter than tears and sadness.

Janice permed her hair. It's so pretty. At first, it made her look pretty typical chinese but after awhile, I realised she actually looked pretty exotic, very gypsy-like. I can't wait to go back to Melbourne and get my hair re-permed. All my curls from the last perm are gone. I now have weird in-between hair. Although, I did read that straight but not dead-straight hair is in. Hmmm...

And...Nice, nice Eric (not that Eric is not normally nice...he's like a brother to me eventhough I already have a real one. Heh) has agreed to give me a ride from the airport. So yay! I won't have to battle everything into a cab. *dances around in glee*

Then, I caught up with Justin (Ng) for coffee. He was in a rant-y mood today and was particularly bitchy...but we'll forgive him for it cos' he's had quite a traumatising past week. He did ask me to go out with him on Valentine's Day since we're both single. Hmmm. My Valentine's day is turning out to be so unromantic. Possibly lunch with Justin and Dinner with my aunties. There is nothing swoon-worthy about any of it. But I suppose, they do count as loved ones and I shouldn't complain. :)

Now, I'm home waiting to go to dinner with my rellies from Indonesia. Man, with all these eating out sessions, I'm never gonna lose weight. I've been killing myself at the gym and trying to limit my food intake but there's just been so many social obligations. Justin said I looked like I put on weight which made me feel like crying. It's so frustrating.

Hmmm, maybe a quick run before dinner....

TTFN

Exactly one week from today, I'll be boarding a flight bound for Melbourne. In a blink of an eye, the summer vacation has passed. It's been a good vacation, with its ups and downs, periods of boredom and extreme drama. A part of me is sad to leave; it's never easy to say goodbye. But another part of me is excited. Melbourne has its charms and I'm eager to see the faces of some well-missed friends and my darlings, Nina and Sarah, who are giving me the great pleasure of their company for now. I'm thrilled to not be going back to an empty apartment. SO THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY DARLINGS.

Right now, I'm trying to back all the pieces of me, both big and small into bags; compacting myself. It's funny how one's life can be 'measured' by one's belongings. Over these 3 months, I've accumulated quite a bit of stuff, many of which were gifts from friends. This time, I'd be taking a huge piece of home back to Melbourne with me.

I know I've been rather depressed and maudlin of late but things have sort of started looking up. In trade for saying goodbye, I get to spend some quality time with loved ones. I'm particularly thrilled to be spending quality time with a certain someone. :wink:

We have our routine down pat. When possible, I drop him off at uni or the hospital, and I get the car for the whole day till it's time to pick him up. On the days when he ends his day during peak traffic hours, he comes to where I am instead. What amazes me constantly, is his confidence in my driving skills and the trust he has in me to actually surrender the car keys to me.

In any case, this pretty much means that his CD collection is at my disposal. On a particularly long (for Singapore, anyway) drive, I discovered some CDs I bet he wished I didn't know about. Hiding them under the driver's seat is so lame. But I found them. So, Hah! Two songs are highlighted here...The first one, I actually like. It was also freaky because it's the theme song to GILMORE GIRLS, which I have been watching every night on DVDs...(Suzhou rocks but that's another story.) But considering that a guy actually owns the CD, it's kinda funny.

Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
Cause, darling, to me that's you're worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there in the next train

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the window sill
But if you want to live in New York city, honey, you know I will
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

-"Where You Lead"(Carole King)

The second song...Well, it's just pure lameness. At least Evanescence had street cred. This song...no offence to the singer but it's COUNTRY MUSIC. Although the achey-breaky heart lyrics does kinda fit the theme of all the songs he has been listening to, give and take a few angry, angst-ridden one.

Interesting...

I thought You knew, guess I assumed too much
I don't know how, but now we're so far out of touch
And I never planned, to so misunderstand
But what you needed, you never asked me to give
And I swear as I live...I thought you knew my heart was yours
And that we were so together
That we, would always be
I don't believe, you leavin' me is the answer
I'm not askin' you to let me rush back in and fail again
I'm askin' for one chance, not to assume
So I can say and do all the things I thought you knew
So far we're still so far
From where we know we should be
I'm searching for words
And you haven't heard
I thought you knew my heart was yours
And that we were so together
That we, would always be
I don't believe, you leavin' me is the answer
I'm not askin' you to let me rush back in and fail again
I'm askin' for one chance, not to assume
So I can say and do all the things I thought you knew
I thought you knew
Ohhhhhh god I thought you knew

-"I thought you knew"(Keith Urban)

But on a serious note, "all is not well in Gotham City". :SIGH:

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong
'cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
lover's in love, and the other's run away,
lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong,

'cause I missed you. Yeah, I missed you.
You said you caught me cause u want me
and one day you'll let me go.
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me
'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
And you say, "Stay."
And you say I only hear what I want to.

-"Stay (I miss you)" (Lisa Loeb)

I feel the strain. Tension starting to tug at already fraying threads of the delicate complicated relationship(s). The web begins to unravel and I feel in my heart that maybe it is time to leave. It's better to pack up and go before I outstay my welcome. To leave before what little shred of hope, dignity and sense of self-worth is dashed to bits.

The voices that mean well drip with unintentional cruelty. The voices come at me from every direction , each with its own brand of venom. In your every word: the root to my lack of self-worth. Every criticism, every harsh word, every piece of advice...My silence is not belligerence or a refusal to accept my flaws and short-comings. Rather, the speechlessness is a mere measure to dam up the tears (and it's a weak one).

You accuse me of a terrible deposition, saying that I'm terrible and that no one can tolerate such behavior. I admit that my temper leaves much to be desired but when you say these things to me, you make me feel terrible inside. As if, my entire worth was to be measured by my single flaw and having been judged, I have been found seriously lacking. But is everything really my fault? It takes two hands to clap. You are only interested in pointing out my flaws but not examining your own or that of others.

And You. You who may have meant it kindly when you suggest that I may be better off alone because I am not a tolerant person, and marriage/relationships require alot of tolerance. You do not know how hard it is to keep the tears from falling when you say that. In that one sentence, you managed to tear down every fragile stem of self-esteem I've tried to grow. Your words prey on every insecurity in me and I start to doubt myself; I wonder if there is anything in me that is worth loving?

Let's not forget you. You with the whirlwind mood swings. You who would rather shout at me and push all blame on me, rather than admit to your own faults. Sometimes, it's not always my fault. But I'm tired of fighting with you. This love-hate relationship is wearisome. The days you shout those mean words to me...They are easily forgotten by you but the linger long in my heart and I wonder how you could so easily use those words: especially to someone whom you claim to love. At the end of the day, how much of your love is obligation and how much of it is truly unconditional?

I wanted to believe that LOVE can be unconditional. That it allows a person to see past the imperfections of the one they love. That someone such as I, with my many flaws, can still find some one who will accept me as I am. But you all...You take that away from me. Day by day, you shred what little there is left of my self-worth to tiny fragments.

And I learn that love can be a bittersweet pill to swallow. Because you all are dear to my heart, I continue to love you in my own (funny) way. I try not to feel hurt or lash out when you tear me down this way. But somehow, all I realise is that the ones you love the most, are also the ones who hurt you the most.

You were supposed to be my pillar of strength and my wall of emotional support. Instead, you are the ones who take it all away. I find myself wanting to run away. To find an emotional halfway house. Somewhere where I can pretend that I'm OK the way I am. That I'm not worthless or unloveable.

What do I have to be to be loved by you? Is your love conditional on certain behaviors that I must have or not have? Does it mean if I fail you, you will turn your backs on me? Every day I live in fear that one day, you won't love me at all.

All because...I didn't measure up to your standards.

Broken pieces of me
Lying on the ground
Cutting sharp edges
Will you pick them up
And make me whole again

Do you leave me out in the cold
Like yesterday's trash
Worthless because I didn't
Fit in with Your plan.