You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong
'cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
lover's in love, and the other's run away,
lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong,

'cause I missed you. Yeah, I missed you.
You said you caught me cause u want me
and one day you'll let me go.
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me
'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
And you say, "Stay."
And you say I only hear what I want to.

-"Stay (I miss you)" (Lisa Loeb)

I feel the strain. Tension starting to tug at already fraying threads of the delicate complicated relationship(s). The web begins to unravel and I feel in my heart that maybe it is time to leave. It's better to pack up and go before I outstay my welcome. To leave before what little shred of hope, dignity and sense of self-worth is dashed to bits.

The voices that mean well drip with unintentional cruelty. The voices come at me from every direction , each with its own brand of venom. In your every word: the root to my lack of self-worth. Every criticism, every harsh word, every piece of advice...My silence is not belligerence or a refusal to accept my flaws and short-comings. Rather, the speechlessness is a mere measure to dam up the tears (and it's a weak one).

You accuse me of a terrible deposition, saying that I'm terrible and that no one can tolerate such behavior. I admit that my temper leaves much to be desired but when you say these things to me, you make me feel terrible inside. As if, my entire worth was to be measured by my single flaw and having been judged, I have been found seriously lacking. But is everything really my fault? It takes two hands to clap. You are only interested in pointing out my flaws but not examining your own or that of others.

And You. You who may have meant it kindly when you suggest that I may be better off alone because I am not a tolerant person, and marriage/relationships require alot of tolerance. You do not know how hard it is to keep the tears from falling when you say that. In that one sentence, you managed to tear down every fragile stem of self-esteem I've tried to grow. Your words prey on every insecurity in me and I start to doubt myself; I wonder if there is anything in me that is worth loving?

Let's not forget you. You with the whirlwind mood swings. You who would rather shout at me and push all blame on me, rather than admit to your own faults. Sometimes, it's not always my fault. But I'm tired of fighting with you. This love-hate relationship is wearisome. The days you shout those mean words to me...They are easily forgotten by you but the linger long in my heart and I wonder how you could so easily use those words: especially to someone whom you claim to love. At the end of the day, how much of your love is obligation and how much of it is truly unconditional?

I wanted to believe that LOVE can be unconditional. That it allows a person to see past the imperfections of the one they love. That someone such as I, with my many flaws, can still find some one who will accept me as I am. But you all...You take that away from me. Day by day, you shred what little there is left of my self-worth to tiny fragments.

And I learn that love can be a bittersweet pill to swallow. Because you all are dear to my heart, I continue to love you in my own (funny) way. I try not to feel hurt or lash out when you tear me down this way. But somehow, all I realise is that the ones you love the most, are also the ones who hurt you the most.

You were supposed to be my pillar of strength and my wall of emotional support. Instead, you are the ones who take it all away. I find myself wanting to run away. To find an emotional halfway house. Somewhere where I can pretend that I'm OK the way I am. That I'm not worthless or unloveable.

What do I have to be to be loved by you? Is your love conditional on certain behaviors that I must have or not have? Does it mean if I fail you, you will turn your backs on me? Every day I live in fear that one day, you won't love me at all.

All because...I didn't measure up to your standards.

Broken pieces of me
Lying on the ground
Cutting sharp edges
Will you pick them up
And make me whole again

Do you leave me out in the cold
Like yesterday's trash
Worthless because I didn't
Fit in with Your plan.