It's been a really long time since I've blogged here. For one, I admit that I got scared to share too much of my personal life on the web. On the other hand, I found a new writing space to express myself under a mask of anonymity.

In any case, 2.5 months have passed since I last wrote here. Some things have changed, some haven't. What still draws near is the end of my life as a student. It's a little scary to have to face up to having to start being a responsible adult, especially since I don't really know what I'm doing half the time. I'm just good at faking the confidence.

What to do? What to do?

I have six more months to lead the responsibility-free life... my life as a student is coming to an end. As I reach this crossroads, I cannot help but feel a little sense of apprehension and fear of having to face the "real world". The corporate rat race always loomed in the distance, too far away for serious consideration. Now, I stand at the edge of it, one foot on the starting line.

I feel tired of the emotional roller coaster that I have been put through for the past year or so and now, I refuse to feel anymore. I think that when I went home, I chose to take all the emotional, feely bits around me and stuff it back in. I zipped it all in and threw away the key. Effectively, I went home and killed my emotions, or rather, my ability to feel beyond a certain magnitude. I have chosen to follow the philosophy of "not sweating the small stuff". Whether it is healthy or not, I feel very happy to not feel anything. (Excuse the irony.)

This semester's theme is Good Charlotte's "Dance Floor Anthem" because that's how I feel: I don't wanna be in love; with anyone at all. I just want to live life the way it is and not get entangled in any emotional traps.

Dance Floor Anthem

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s trippin' on the phone now
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she’s movin' it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love

To the beat (x3)
You got nothing to lose
Don’t be afraid to get down

We break up
It’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone

It’s too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you’re doin'
You don’t wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one

I'm TICKLED with BLACKLE

Energy conservation just got sexy!

Google has been doing their part to conserve energy with the launch of www.blackle.com - a black screened-version of their search engine which uses less energy than the original white screened-version.

It's tres sexy yet ecological. Ohh la la!

Goodbye is Hard To Say

One of the hardest things we learn to do as we grow up is to learn how to say goodbye. Given that the world is growing smaller each day, distance is becoming less of an issue in today's world but it still does not make it easy to say goodbye to a friend who is going home for good.

Throughout this winter vacation, I've been filled with a sense of sadness. I couldn't understand why I felt that way given that I got to go home to my family in sunny Singapore. The feeling only intensified during my last week home.

I flew back to Melbourne last Monday in time to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends, Sami, on Thursday. I was lucky in being able to spend Sami's last night in Melbourne indulging in one of our favorite activities, watching DVDs and lying on "our" couch. I was tearing a little while we watched "Scrubs" but I had no inkling of much I was going to miss Sami, who had in 1.5 years had grown really dear to me. It's hard to live overseas away from your family. In such situations, you depend more on your friends and in Sami's case, he was like my family here in Melbourne.

So, I drove Sami to the airport three hours before his flight departed and spent two hours wandering the airport aimlessly with him. I guess Sami hates saying bye as well because he chose to walk me to the car rather than say goodbye at the departure gates.

I've always prided myself on being a person who is able to hide any sign of emotional display from the public eye as I believe it strongly to be a sign of weakness. Guess my pride was on holiday that afternoon when I had a complete breakdown and cried my eyes out when I had to say goodbye to Sami. I cried saying goodbye, cried on the drive home, cried while I was pumping gas and paying for it and cried off-and-on for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, all that crying didn't do much for my eyes or my physical or emotional state. I didn't believe it was possible till it happened to me but I must have over-exerted myself with the crying and actually managed to cry myself sick.

So thanks to my foolishness, I've been burning up with fever and have had a wrecking cough and inflamed sinuses since Thursday. I've been so sick, I've been unable to get out of bed or actually summon the strength to go get some groceries.

Thankfully, a friend of mine has been kind enough to worry about me and he has been a real saint in bringing me medication and porridge because he worries about me not eating all day. He even calls me in the morning to check on me and bought me groceries. In normal circumstances, my pride wouldn't let me impose on someone like that but I'm honestly very grateful that Cornelius has been so kind to me.

The Imelda Hilton Life

Life back home is so different from life in my other adopted home. Here, I have my every whim catered for and the only worry I have is how to occupy my time. My days are spent in leisure: going to the gym three times a week, getting weekly facials and going for manicures/pedicures. Time in between I spend shopping, having tea or going to lunch/dinner. It sounds great but it gets boring incredibly quickly.

I have gotten so lazy here. The weather is extremely hot and humid and my fundamental laziness and intolerance of heat means that I will not go anywhere unless I drive or get chauffeured. A typical day for me is spent waking up past noon, going to lunch, coming home, watching cable and napping. I would make a cat proud with my sedentary lifestyle.

On the other hand, I've had time to develop the Imelda Hilton Lifestyle Concept. Haha.

I miss Melbie and all my darlings there. *SIGH*

The Soul is a precious thing. When you live a lie, you damage the Soul...

I lie every single day of my life just to keep you that much longer in my life. It eats silently at me; knowing that you offer me nothing and yet everything I have, I offer to you. The other day, something happened that struck me to the core: and I realized how insignificant I am to you. You will never put me first. I will never be in a position where I have the bargaining power to make you change.

It shouldn't have to be this way. But I constantly tread in fear because I never want the day to come where you will decide that it is no longer convenient for you and you will kick me aside.

You will never offer me more and yet, it is impossible for me to walk away.

It breaks my heart and makes me cry to know that I will never mean enough to someone that life will take a turn for the worse without me in it for that person.

Who am I but a transient figure?

I love you more than anybody I ever know but I still wish I had never met you because I think life would be a lot less complicated. Yet, I will never trade in the memories I've created with you, both good and bad.

I think in life, one of the hardest lessons we learn is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. Some of us are lucky. We fall in love and we put ourselves out on a line and we are fortunate to be loved in return and the road to making the relationship work is a rocky one, but it's a ship that actually got to set sail. Others fall in love and give their hearts to the ones who don't deserve it or to ones who do deserve it but circumstances make it impossible for a relationship to to cultivated.

Some go through life without ever having to face the hardship of loving and never being loved in return. For others, it is the story of their life: to love and never have the feelings returned.

At the relatively young age of 23, I have experienced the pain of being in love and never being loved in return and it has become the story of my life (for now).

I fell in love with someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe he isn't worth my love but the reality is that, as much pain he's put me through, he will always be someone I will care for deeply.

Day after day, I live with the knowledge that I love him and I will always worry about him and care about him but it will never lead anywhere. Because we have no future together. At least, not in the foreseeable future. I have accepted the reality of the fact that the feelings will never be recipocrated. But it will never change the way I feel.

We love who we love for reasons we cannot fathom. Sometimes it ends in a fairytale ending, more often than not, it's a cross we bear and the pervese part of it lies in the fact that it is self-inflicted.

People tell me that if there is no future, then, I need to distance myself and move on. The truth is, I will never cut him from my life because he permanently owns a piece of my heart. The difference between the past and now is that I know it is an unrequited love. And I'm willing to bear that pain.

It's not self-sacrifice or martyrdom. It is simply the reality of Life.