Where are you Christmas Why can't I find you Why have you gone away Where is the laughter You used to bring me Why can't I hear music play My world is changingI'm rearrangingDoes that mean Christmas changes tooWhere are you ChristmasDo you rememberThe one you used to knowI'm not the same oneSee what the time's doneIs that why you have let me goIt's Christmas eve. Somehow, time passed on by so quickly. This year, Christmas sneaked up on me without me knowing. But somehow, the holiday cheer has failed to fill me. This year has been a year of many milestones. A few points of happiness and many more of heartache and disappointment. But I made it through the year. Barely.
It's been a mad-rush of commitments, events and other things since I came back. Doing 'nothing' is alot more tiring than it appears to be. With the hustle and bustle of living, I lost the time to find myself or even listen to the screams for help within. Quietly, without much fanfare, I became broken inside. In a rare chance to sit back and catch my breath, the realisation hits me. Something just isn't right and that thing is...me. And maybe that is why I lose myself in sleep so much these days. Reality blends seamlessly with the subconscious mind and I straddle both worlds; fought over savagely in a tug-of-war. I'm just so tired. And more and more, I am reluctant to return to reality, each night giving in just that little bit more to Morpheus: spending a little more time in his arms.
While I was busy trying to fight for a foothold in this world, I let my guard down and the soiled jaded-ness of the world seeped into my pores, stealthily poisoning me, numbing me. Who have I become? Who. Am. I? I forgot a long time ago.
But the biggest question that floats around in my mind, its screaming tones mocking me is: Are we REALLY friends? How many of you are my friends despite the trappings that I come attached with. And how many MORE of you are friends with me because of what I can offer you or the use I potentially hold to you?
In 10 days, I turn 22. It's a birthday that I am not exactly thrilled to be celebrating. I'm just tired of always planning my own birthday. I just want to spend it with friends who really want to be there to celebrate me and not the free meal.
