Il Mondo E Vuoto Senza Di Te

Hiatus

2007-10-15T06:47:00.000+10:00

It's been a really long time since I've blogged here. For one, I admit that I got scared to share too much of my personal life on the web. On the other hand, I found a new writing space to express myself under a mask of anonymity.

In any case, 2.5 months have passed since I last wrote here. Some things have changed, some haven't. What still draws near is the end of my life as a student. It's a little scary to have to face up to having to start being a responsible adult, especially since I don't really know what I'm doing half the time. I'm just good at faking the confidence.

What to do? What to do?

I don't wanna fall in love

2007-07-30T12:04:00.000+10:00

I have six more months to lead the responsibility-free life... my life as a student is coming to an end. As I reach this crossroads, I cannot help but feel a little sense of apprehension and fear of having to face the "real world". The corporate rat race always loomed in the distance, too far away for serious consideration. Now, I stand at the edge of it, one foot on the starting line.

I feel tired of the emotional roller coaster that I have been put through for the past year or so and now, I refuse to feel anymore. I think that when I went home, I chose to take all the emotional, feely bits around me and stuff it back in. I zipped it all in and threw away the key. Effectively, I went home and killed my emotions, or rather, my ability to feel beyond a certain magnitude. I have chosen to follow the philosophy of "not sweating the small stuff". Whether it is healthy or not, I feel very happy to not feel anything. (Excuse the irony.)

This semester's theme is Good Charlotte's "Dance Floor Anthem" because that's how I feel: I don't wanna be in love; with anyone at all. I just want to live life the way it is and not get entangled in any emotional traps.

Dance Floor Anthem

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s trippin' on the phone now
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she’s movin' it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don’t be afraid to get down
Say I don’t wanna be in love
I don’t wanna be in love

To the beat (x3)
You got nothing to lose
Don’t be afraid to get down

We break up
It’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone

It’s too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you’re doin'
You don’t wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one

blackle

2007-07-25T13:28:00.000+10:00

I'm TICKLED with BLACKLE

Energy conservation just got sexy!

Google has been doing their part to conserve energy with the launch of www.blackle.com - a black screened-version of their search engine which uses less energy than the original white screened-version.

It's tres sexy yet ecological. Ohh la la!

goodbye is hard to say

2007-07-21T20:37:00.000+10:00

Goodbye is Hard To Say

One of the hardest things we learn to do as we grow up is to learn how to say goodbye. Given that the world is growing smaller each day, distance is becoming less of an issue in today's world but it still does not make it easy to say goodbye to a friend who is going home for good.

Throughout this winter vacation, I've been filled with a sense of sadness. I couldn't understand why I felt that way given that I got to go home to my family in sunny Singapore. The feeling only intensified during my last week home.

I flew back to Melbourne last Monday in time to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends, Sami, on Thursday. I was lucky in being able to spend Sami's last night in Melbourne indulging in one of our favorite activities, watching DVDs and lying on "our" couch. I was tearing a little while we watched "Scrubs" but I had no inkling of much I was going to miss Sami, who had in 1.5 years had grown really dear to me. It's hard to live overseas away from your family. In such situations, you depend more on your friends and in Sami's case, he was like my family here in Melbourne.

So, I drove Sami to the airport three hours before his flight departed and spent two hours wandering the airport aimlessly with him. I guess Sami hates saying bye as well because he chose to walk me to the car rather than say goodbye at the departure gates.

I've always prided myself on being a person who is able to hide any sign of emotional display from the public eye as I believe it strongly to be a sign of weakness. Guess my pride was on holiday that afternoon when I had a complete breakdown and cried my eyes out when I had to say goodbye to Sami. I cried saying goodbye, cried on the drive home, cried while I was pumping gas and paying for it and cried off-and-on for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, all that crying didn't do much for my eyes or my physical or emotional state. I didn't believe it was possible till it happened to me but I must have over-exerted myself with the crying and actually managed to cry myself sick.

So thanks to my foolishness, I've been burning up with fever and have had a wrecking cough and inflamed sinuses since Thursday. I've been so sick, I've been unable to get out of bed or actually summon the strength to go get some groceries.

Thankfully, a friend of mine has been kind enough to worry about me and he has been a real saint in bringing me medication and porridge because he worries about me not eating all day. He even calls me in the morning to check on me and bought me groceries. In normal circumstances, my pride wouldn't let me impose on someone like that but I'm honestly very grateful that Cornelius has been so kind to me.

Life of a Tai-Tai Wannabe

2007-07-03T20:02:00.000+10:00

The Imelda Hilton Life

Life back home is so different from life in my other adopted home. Here, I have my every whim catered for and the only worry I have is how to occupy my time. My days are spent in leisure: going to the gym three times a week, getting weekly facials and going for manicures/pedicures. Time in between I spend shopping, having tea or going to lunch/dinner. It sounds great but it gets boring incredibly quickly.

I have gotten so lazy here. The weather is extremely hot and humid and my fundamental laziness and intolerance of heat means that I will not go anywhere unless I drive or get chauffeured. A typical day for me is spent waking up past noon, going to lunch, coming home, watching cable and napping. I would make a cat proud with my sedentary lifestyle.

On the other hand, I've had time to develop the Imelda Hilton Lifestyle Concept. Haha.

I miss Melbie and all my darlings there. *SIGH*

living a lie

2007-06-26T03:12:00.000+10:00

The Soul is a precious thing. When you live a lie, you damage the Soul...

I lie every single day of my life just to keep you that much longer in my life. It eats silently at me; knowing that you offer me nothing and yet everything I have, I offer to you. The other day, something happened that struck me to the core: and I realized how insignificant I am to you. You will never put me first. I will never be in a position where I have the bargaining power to make you change.

It shouldn't have to be this way. But I constantly tread in fear because I never want the day to come where you will decide that it is no longer convenient for you and you will kick me aside.

You will never offer me more and yet, it is impossible for me to walk away.

It breaks my heart and makes me cry to know that I will never mean enough to someone that life will take a turn for the worse without me in it for that person.

Who am I but a transient figure?

loving you

2007-05-30T22:11:00.000+10:00

I love you more than anybody I ever know but I still wish I had never met you because I think life would be a lot less complicated. Yet, I will never trade in the memories I've created with you, both good and bad.

I think in life, one of the hardest lessons we learn is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. Some of us are lucky. We fall in love and we put ourselves out on a line and we are fortunate to be loved in return and the road to making the relationship work is a rocky one, but it's a ship that actually got to set sail. Others fall in love and give their hearts to the ones who don't deserve it or to ones who do deserve it but circumstances make it impossible for a relationship to to cultivated.

Some go through life without ever having to face the hardship of loving and never being loved in return. For others, it is the story of their life: to love and never have the feelings returned.

At the relatively young age of 23, I have experienced the pain of being in love and never being loved in return and it has become the story of my life (for now).

I fell in love with someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe he isn't worth my love but the reality is that, as much pain he's put me through, he will always be someone I will care for deeply.

Day after day, I live with the knowledge that I love him and I will always worry about him and care about him but it will never lead anywhere. Because we have no future together. At least, not in the foreseeable future. I have accepted the reality of the fact that the feelings will never be recipocrated. But it will never change the way I feel.

We love who we love for reasons we cannot fathom. Sometimes it ends in a fairytale ending, more often than not, it's a cross we bear and the pervese part of it lies in the fact that it is self-inflicted.

People tell me that if there is no future, then, I need to distance myself and move on. The truth is, I will never cut him from my life because he permanently owns a piece of my heart. The difference between the past and now is that I know it is an unrequited love. And I'm willing to bear that pain.

It's not self-sacrifice or martyrdom. It is simply the reality of Life.

Tak zhivya, bez radosti/bez muki/pomniu ya ushedshiye goda

2007-05-27T05:31:00.000+10:00

In 2003, a boy- though only half of that heritage was a true Russian at heart - would sing to a girl:

Gori, gori, moya zvezda
Zvezda lyubvi privetnaya
Ti u menya odna zavetnaya
Drugoi ne budet nikogda…

(“Shine on, shine, my only star,
my star of love eternally,
You are my sole and chosen one,
There’ll be no other one for me…”)

But the girl was at conflict with her own self and would not be able to return his love: his obsession, when she could not love herself.

And that was his only fault; that he loved her too deeply. It was a love that was doomed because of its youth and its infinite possibilities. And so she forced herself to say goodbye and walk away from what scared her deeply.

Four years later, she wonders if perhaps she should have taken a chance on that past possibility but it is too late and all that lingers is the faint memory that she was once worthy of love. The only words that come to mind are ironically from him:

Tak zhivya, bez radosti/bez muki/pomniu ya ushedshiye goda
(So I live – remembering with sadness all the happy years gone by)

She wonders how in all his overwhelming passion, did he let his pragmatism overrule him and allow him to let her go and she remembers that the true Russian that he is, his happy ending is in finding out the reason for his suffering.

In the present, she sits in the balcony of her empty apartment at 5.24a.m and watches for a sun that will not rise for another two hours. Cigarette after cigarette she lights and inhales. The cold numbs her but still she waits. Black puffed jacket over pink Hello Kitty pajamas that are incongruent with the melancholy mood that cloaks her. And she borrows her own philosophy from a cheesy movie toast:

Here’s to the men we love
And here’s to the men who love us
Here’s to the men we love but don’t love us
F*ck Them All
So, here’s to us!

Day 3

2007-05-24T17:34:00.000+10:00

It's Day 3 and the final day of my diet. I'm dying for a juicy steak or a bar of chocolate. In other words, I wish I could have a nice big binge. They were giving samples of sausages in the supermarket today which almost made me faint.

But 2kg in 3 days is something I've worked very, very hard for and I'm not about to waste all my efforts by going on a binge. But I really wouldn't mind a nice bowl of Parpadelle and Braised Mushroom Sauce.

*DROOL*

day 2

2007-05-23T22:19:00.000+10:00

Day 2 of my diet sees me feeling a little less chirpy. Still swigging the Coke Zero but feeling a little faint from the diet. Although I do think that a large part of it may be the fact that I should eat as soon as I get up and not wait till I'm about to faint from hunger. Still, can't complain about today's food. I pretty much like everything on the menu...

Brr...It's bloody cold.

Day One of Diet

2007-05-22T22:35:00.000+10:00

Someone was really concerned about my lack of eating habits and gave me a diet that is hospital-recommended. It requires you to follow a strict diet for three days and eat normally for 4 days. It, of course, recommends that you do not overdo it on the other four days but as this person remarked, that shouldn't be a problem considering the diet has more food than what I normally eat. Still, if followed properly, you stand to lose 10lbs in one week.

Today marks my first day...

So far so good, I don't feel hungry from the lack of carbs or eating three small meals instead of six small meals. But I did also realize that I will never be a true blue Aussie: I hate Beetroot. The diet requires you to eat 1 cup of Beetroot for dinner on the first day. I did it with much disgust and choking it down with heaps of Coke Zero. But it made the ice-cream and apples all the more enjoyable.

Did I mention that the diet allows unlimited amounts of diet cola? I'm loving it since I'm such a big fan of Coke Zero. But I can also say the caffeine is making me bounce off the walls.

2007-05-19T22:46:00.000+10:00

I feel strange, I feel changed...
I thought it would take me longer to pick up the pieces and move on. I'm either stronger than I realized or the part of me that cared died long before my heart thought it did.

For awhile, you were my universe and when you left the way you did, I didn't think I would be able to go on. I was wrong. I bounced right back, better than ever. I guess I didn't miss you all that much because you really didn't mean that much to me, afterall.

I had everything to offer you and you had nothing to offer me. I see that now. Life can only get better from here.

the song that describes me best

2007-05-16T03:31:00.000+10:00

I found the song that describes me perfectly when it comes to affairs of the heart...

4 In The Morning Lyrics

Gwen Stefani 4 In The Morning Lyrics

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it’s say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts
when I think,
when I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
Watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot

[Bridge]
And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
Nothing less 'cause you know I give you all of me

[Chorus]
I give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight

What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don’t wanna lose the love I found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down

It’s not fair, how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love for me
We can’t escape the love
Give me everything that you have

last day at work

2007-05-10T22:30:00.000+10:00

Today was my last day at work...

It ended on a good note. It was the last day of FAMILY AND FRIENDS and my very last customers were friends of mine. I was kinda sad to leave because I've been with the company for nine months (people have babies in that amount of time!) but kinda happy because I no longer work for a company that has not done right by me!!!! I will miss the lovely employee's discount that has enabled me to further my shophaholic tendencies. *SIGH*

On a positive note, I think I am getting better. Health-wise, I haven't eaten rice in over three weeks and I've been on a careful calorie-control diet with an increased effort to exercise daily. And while the weight isn't dropping off yet, I can see the improvements in other areas of my health. :)

Emotionally, the wounds are healing but they still hurt a little when probed. I think in the past few days, I have been telling myself not to dwell on it, and I've been fine. But I just want things to be fine again. Where it won't hurt when I think of it. At all. The only thing I worry about is my tendency to over-sleep. I think my body can't deal with the stress anymore and so it's resorted to "sleeping to forget". Good for the chronic insomniac but kinda bad because it means I'm still not healed.

Only God (and time) can heal me.

41 days to home (and a chance to regain the old me).

home

2007-05-01T12:18:00.000+10:00

One Month and 19 days till I go home...

I'm excited yet scared.

Does distance make the heart grow fonder or is "out of sight, out of mind"?

In too deep.

really gone

2007-04-29T10:26:00.000+10:00

it's been one week of silence...and then a phone call. I fought not to sound too excited on the phone but I could hear that tiny catch in my voice when I spoke. eventhough I had a million things to do, I dropped it all to spend that one afternoon getting my quick fix.

I don't think I've ever tried so hard to be positive; how do you smile when your heart is breaking inside? A part of me knows that it is for the best but yet all of me is so scared that I will not like the ending. I'm struggling to be strong and independent but I still feel like I've been cast adrift in a stormy sea.

Today, all signs were erased and all that's left is an emptiness. Devoid.

It hurts to breathe.

best fucking night of my life

2007-04-26T01:10:00.000+10:00

It's been the best f*cking night of my life...

Actually, it's been the best f*cking day in ages!!!!

Hands up those of you who are so happy that this is finally a happy entry!

It's Anzac Day today which means no uni or work for me. Totally awesome!!!!! Anyway, it was a nice hot, sunny day and I slept in till like one in the afternoon. I'm not that big a pig but I had two presentations yesterday and was up till like 4 in the morning the night before just cleaning out my closets. I see a major shopping spree coming up! But I digress.

So I woke up late and decided that the place needed a good cleaning. So I went through the entire place, clearing out old stuff and just mopping, dusting, vacuuming and generally just making the place sparkle.

Then I cooked dinner. Yes, I had a dinner party with all my old lovelies: Beth, Garth, Stephen and Ralphie. It was fantastic. The vibe was excellent, the food was loved, there was plenty of alcohol and the bitching absolutely divine!!!!!!! I haven't seen Beth, Stephen and Garth in ages and we had such a good time.

I especially loved my long chat with Garth in the balcony with our champers. I've missed Garth so much and he's also pretty much offered me a job at a new boutique opening up soon after I graduate.

But the best thing about it was talking to Garth about something I haven't been able to tell anyone about and knowing that he approves and supports me and can see what I'm talking about. It's great!

It's been a good night.

I'm happy....

Home

2007-04-22T01:41:00.000+10:00

When the heart aches
And it feels like there's nothing
Worth going on for

Or it ever feels like the skies
Are turning grey
When the storm seems never-ending
And you feel like you're all alone

You reach out but your hand
Is brushed aside by the passing crowd
You scream but it's buried by
The babble of self-absorbed thoughts

The tears...
They are but silent betrayers of
A weak nature

Who can heal you and stop
The bleeding of your soul?

No one in this world.

Where can I go?

A gentle whisper of what is missed
The sweet call of a familiar utopia
Perhaps the promise that things
Could be better?

I want to go home.

Drink to Forget

2007-03-30T09:00:00.000+10:00

There is a certain macabre pleasure in languishing in your own private den of misery. One's id tends to stoke the fires of self-pity and encourages the feelings of "poor me" within. It is a twisted proposition of the inability to be happy unless one is unhappy.

Is it selfish to dwell on one's petty problems? To delve into the minutiae and cling onto every little bit of resentment felt, conceived or otherwise? Given the greater issues of the world at stake, are we perhaps a bit too self-indulgent in thinking only of the self and the now?

If you were the one allowed to issue the choices, then, perhaps you would be better in control. But if you were on the other end of the short stick, and been issued the choice... then perhaps you're not quite as well off as you wish you could be.

It's all a tangled web of confusion, uncertainty and yet, that tiny bit of excitement and anticipation. Till it all unravels...

You Drink To Forget.

trust

2007-03-26T20:51:00.000+10:00

Trust is an amazing thing...

It's a little like Faith. It makes you believe even if everything around you tells you not to. Trust is that little extra bit of good faith and good will that you extend towards someone because that person means something to you and you believe that the person will never do anything to hurt you. It gives you a sense of security in a time of chaos.

It's easy to say you trust someone. But the truth is, trust often lies only on the surface. It's only when you can rest easy at night without the voices whispering and making you toss and turn in bed, that you can say there really is trust. Trust is when the person you love says someone else is gorgeous/beautiful and you don't feel a stab of jealousy because you know that you mean more to the person.

Trust is not an easy thing to give if you have not been proven that your trust should be given.

You

2007-03-24T10:30:00.000+11:00

I love that out here, the air is fresher and things are much simpler.

People are friendly and they accept you for who you are.

I like being here. My mind is clear to think about things.

It's all really new. And I haven't quite wrapped my head around it. Part of me is still waiting for the bubble to burst and I'd wake up realizing it's only a dream. Another part of me is revelling in the moment. I love that despite being me, it's still all good.

How long will it last? I'm scared to think about it.

crazy weather

2007-03-23T19:00:00.000+11:00

Today's weather has been fully sick.

I was out on Bridge Road for a little shop and practically burnt myself walking around the shop. It didn't help that the winds were so warm, it made me feel like a slow-basting roast in the oven. Now the weather's dropped at least ten or more degrees and it's raining out.

Melbourne weather is whacked....

I feel sick.

Life is full of surprises

2007-03-23T01:03:00.000+11:00

Life is full of surprises...

There are good days and there are bad days; sometimes, when you have a really bad day and completely stack out, something good can happen to make a good ending.

It's all about balance.

2007-03-21T00:39:00.000+11:00

HAPPINESS IS...

Booking your ticket to Sydney for the Easter Weekend.

Woohoo!!!!!!!!!

Dior and Fendi...Here, I come!!!!!!!!!!!

i am a genius

2007-03-17T23:02:00.000+11:00

Hah! I am a genius....

Ok, ok...I know anyone can add music to their blogs but you have to understand that I'm a total computer idiot and for me to figure out how to add a new layout to my blog and actually learn how to upload songs and add it to my blog is a total triumph for me!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pleased with myself!

In other news, I finally jumped onto the MYSPACE wagon....

hee hee

*dances around in glee*

2007-03-16T17:03:00.000+11:00

It was fun to play around with an idealistic fantasy but I think we all have to come back to reality in the end.

Who am I fooling when I tell myself that it will work out? Nobody but myself. Sometimes timing and circumstances are everything; in my case, I've never been able to find the right time or situation.

A part of me got over you and the sensible part of me tells me that it's not worth it and I should move on. The sentimental part of me still misses you because on some level, you were the only one who showed even the slightest interest. Call me needy but I am the first to admit that I do tend to give my heart easily to anyone who shows me the slightest bit of interest.

I'm probably really f*cked up in the head and lord knows, I have issues...I'm trying to deal with them but sometimes, I really wonder if I can be bothered.

Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not healthy enough. Not good enough. And the list goes on.

vlado's

2007-03-05T21:07:00.000+11:00

I had dinner at Vlado's last saturday... I have to admit, I haven't been so excited about anything in a long time, especially not over steak. I worked a full day on Saturday with the fembot which was no joy for me; only the thought of succulent juicy steak kept me going...

Glenn came to walk me home from work, which was very sweet of him. We decided to dress up for dinner even though there was no dress code, just cause we felt like it...

Here I am, trying to look all sweet and demure...

Unfortunately, my true colors emerged when the steak arrived.

I wasn't the only one who felt the same way...

Slightly less excited but stil bubbling with joy within over strawberry pancakes. Hmmm...

I love my food, I truly do...

sun surf and altona beach

2007-02-25T23:09:00.000+11:00

Urgh. I go back to work tomorrow and Uni the day after that. How dismal... In any case, today's weather was fantastic and I took advantage of the fine weather to go to the beach. Walking on the beach is an awesome way to spend an afternoon...

I ended the night with dinner with my relatives at Ming's and caught up with some friends at Il Freddo's...

The Simple things

2007-02-25T03:42:00.000+11:00

Some of the best moments are found in the simplest things...

I've been horribly jet-lagged since coming back and to be honest, I don't think I enjoyed the summer very much but today, one of the last few days of summer, was practically perfect.

I think I'm very blessed to have a close circle of people to help me through my tough times and it's in the simple things they do that help make my personal hell a little more bearable each day.

Glenn and I spent a wonderful afternoon driving up to Altona; seeing his place and catching a movie in Yarraville. For those of you who don't know, Yarraville has a fantastic little cinema with the nicest theaters! There was a blackout during the movie and so Glenn and I took a tour of the other theaters, which have their own individual decor. We were planning to watch MUSIC and LYRICS but we were too late for that and ended up watching THE QUEEN, which turned out to be quite good...

Even walking to the Altona station and the train ride home was nice. There is something to be said about simple pleasures.

I ended my night with a quiet night in baking White Chocolate Banana & Walnut loaf with Janice. Nothing exciting but it was perfect...

and she was gone

2007-02-03T02:59:00.000+11:00

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.
She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

2007-01-27T21:43:00.000+11:00

I've been going through some really tough times but I guess sometimes, you need to hit rock-bottom before you can pick yourself up...In my case, I hit rock-bottom hard; I think what I've been through is a personal hell that I'd have to live with for the rest of my life but the aftermath has made me realise that sometimes, even if it kills you, you need to walk away.

I wish things had ended on a more pleasant note or even that, it didn't have to end. The way I feel doesn't change but there comes a time when it's just better to not do anything. You have proven to me that evil exists in many forms. I was too good to you and you took advantage of the fact and given the chance, you hurt me badly enough to breach my high level of tolerance.

I'd be heading home soon; it'd be a good time to just take time out and recuperate both physically, mentally and emotionally.

But all is not lost, in my darkest hour, I realised that there are people who do care about me: I will always be greatful to the friends who helped to "fix" me when I was beyond broken.

A BIG HUG to Yvie who is always there to bolster me and listen to me when I need to talk and just even for the normalcy she puts in my life with our little "tea and balcony" breaks.

My heartfelt gratitude to Roxanna who I only met last semester but has taken me under her wing and made me feel very much like a spoilt little sister by the way she always looks out for me and takes care of me.

And last but not least, to my "brother" Eric who gave me the most awesome night out just when I really needed a way to climb back up. Eventhough we don't see each other as much as we used to because you're so busy now, I appreciate that you're there for me when I really need you. I love you, man...When I'm away from my family and I need someone to lean on, I know that you're my family here. *HUGS*

1000 calories

2007-01-23T09:45:00.000+11:00

I woke up this morning to discover that I've morphed into an old lady... My muscles are killing me... But it's a good thing: no pain, no gain. Yesterday was a push on my endurance as I spent two hours in the gym on the cross-trainer, treadmill and exercise bike. Surprisingly, for someone as unfit as me, I managed to perservere till I reached my goal of burning 1000 calories. Hopefully that helped to burn some of the calories from Sunday's dinner, which was way sinful... But a good dinner is a small price to pay to spend quality time chatting and watching DVDs with Sami. I am amazed that we actually talked till 4 in the morning. *SIGH* It's Sami's last semester and I'm going to miss him when he's gone.

In any case, I think I may go swimming instead today.

ANA revolution

2007-01-20T17:37:00.000+11:00

The ANA revolution...

I think I've done everything I possibly could to make you love me and I failed miserably. I guess my best just wasn't enough for you. One of the reasons you gave me may be incredibly shallow and hurtful but I think in our harsh world, it's a significant factor.

So, on 19th January 2007, I started my ANA revolution. I will never let myself be hurt like that again. It's time the tables were turned.

A woman's fate is that a man will never fully appreciate her sacrifice.

I don't think you know how much I feel for you and the extents I would go to for you... but that's ok. My ANA revolution will put me in a better place than I am in now. And we'll see who's sorry then. I will succeed or die trying...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

2007-01-18T23:45:00.000+11:00

The Apple Doesn't Fall From The Tree...

So my dear Mummy finally left today. I have to say, I'm both elated and sad. It's been an interesting week. Having my mum here meant giving up my privacy and having someone to look after but she's been good company as well. I think everyone knows the feeling of loving their mothers but having to spend too much time with them would drive a person nuts. In any case, it's very true that my mother and I do share some similarities. In the past few days, we've been going nuts with the shopping, starting with the day my dad left.

I saw the most gorgeous Burberry White Bag from its ICON collection at Crown. My mum and I decided to go take a closer look at it when we sent my dad off on Sunday. I really liked it and my mum decided to buy it for me for my birthday...Yay! And it's the ONLY one in Melbourne and one of two in Australia. *GLEEFUL SHRIEK* Ok, ok...say it with me.... "BRAND WHORE"

Next, we went to Alannah Hill where my mum bought me a whole new outfit for CNY... lucky there was a sale on at Alannah...

Wednesday saw us at Chadstone and you can see the fruits of our "labor". Between my mum and I, we bought 10 pairs of shoes: My mum bought 2 pairs of Myers; 2 from Enzo Angliolini; 1 from Aldo and the last pair from MIDAS... I bought a pair of boots from ALDO and 2 belts; a pair of boots from Scooter; a pair of Aqua wedges from NineWest and a pair from Myers... in addition to shit loads of clothes...

This is my lovely Ballin Heels from Myers. Original Price $750, I paid $315. Bargain!!!!!

My mum's MIDAS heels that I am so loving. It's so cool that my mother loves her bling as well. Haha.

We also bought heaps of clothes from Sportsgirl, Forever New and other shops in our jaunts to Bridge Road and Victoria Gardens. Ooooh, and I got some totally cool DVDs...

parentals

2007-01-12T16:36:00.000+11:00

Having my parents here is both good yet weird...

I have to admit that being away from home for a whole year has left me feeling rather homesick and with the current state of things, it's good to feel some TLC, just not too much of it.

For one, the parents being here means that the force-feeding has started. In addition to the epicurean overload i.e. a $345 lunch-for-two at Rockpool today and dinner at Silk Restaurant tonight, my father has gotten it into his head that his precious baby is not eating enough and therefore, he set off to the market today and bought me a freezer-full of food. So with slightly over two weeks before I go home, I, now, am swimming in salmon steaks, king prawns, kidneys, beef balls and other gastronimical delights. Dinner party anyone?

And as much as I wish I didn't... I miss you.

reflection

2007-01-07T17:19:00.000+11:00

I was glad to leave 22 behind... For all its wonderful memories and experiences, there were some darker times as well. Turning 23 at the start of 2007 was supposed to be a good thing; a fresh start and new beginnings. All I can say is that, this early in the years, things have already started becoming really interesting.

One year older, hopefully wiser...

There are things that happened on my birthday that I wish didn't happen: things said that would have been better left unsaid...

Said or unsaid... the feelings still reside in my heart but in a moment of weakness, I let them out. And who did it end up hurting? Myself. It is a constant struggle to walk the fine line between of maintaining your own happiness and those of others... It becomes a vicious cycle when the happiness of others is tantamount to your own happiness.

I can't change what happened. And I am sorry. But now it depends on how willing you are to forgive... And I wonder if it matters at all, that for the one mistake I made, if all the other little things I do for you everyday matter at all to you.

Some days, I wish I was still that sweet innocent that I was... but somewhere along the path of growing up in this past year, I lost my halo... and I wonder if it was worth it?

4th January

2007-01-04T22:54:00.000+11:00

In about an hour, it will 5th January and I will turn 23 years old.

As silly as it is, I can't help but wonder why I make the same birthday wish every year: that I will not be alone on my birthday. So far, it hasn't come true...

I have to say that 22 was an eventful year for me. There were the moments of joy but there were the ones where I wish someone would cut my heart out so I wouldn't hurt so much. Either way, it was a year of great learning.

All I can hope is that 23 will be a better year for me...

Happy Birthday, Me...Maybe next year my wish will come true.

dinner with tat

2006-12-31T01:09:00.000+11:00

The beauty of living alone is that you can make the house look as girly as you want, and no want can say anything about it. I must admit it has been quiet without my brother around but there have been benefits as well. For a few days, I had a houseguest who reminded me of why despite the company, I would never want a housemate as I'm just way too pedantic. In any case, I've added this pretty display to my coffee table. The candle is Frangipani-scented and is just amazing. I've also bought a new Japanese Lamp for my living room but I couldn't be arsed taking a picture of it, so y'all will just have to imagine what a Japanese Lamp will look like...

Due to the perpetual expansion of my shoes collection, I've gone and bought myself another shoe rack so that my hallway doesn't look so cluttered. I've organized it such that I've got a shoe rack just for the shoes that I can wear to work. Hee hee.

I also had Asish, Tat and Sandeep to dinner on the 29th. Sort of like a pre-New Year dinner. We went swimming before and Tat's never been to my place before, so it was good. I have to say though that Asish is so lazy when it comes to learning how to swim...Unfortunately we forgot to take pictures of the food except for dessert. As you can see, Asish was almost through his by the time we took the pictures...

I made for Starters: Wasabi Mayonnaise coated Prawns with Fruit Salad; Morrocan Grilled Lamb Chops with Baba Ganoush; Pan-fried Haloumi with Onion Marmalade and Otah.

Then, I had Macadamia-Crusted Chicken Breast with a Kahlua Butter Sauce for the Main Course. This was followed by Linguine tossed in Chilli-Garlic-Coriander-Anchovies-Butter-Olive Oil.

For dessert, we had Strawberry Jubilee with Crepes and Vanillia Ice-cream. I was so proud of myself when I managed to flambe the strawberries!!!!

tis the season to be drinking...

2006-12-26T22:26:00.000+11:00

Tis The Season To Be Drinking...

The Makings of Lychee Martini...and other cocktails

My alcohol shelf...Oooohhhhh

Lovely bottles of Moscato & Absinth

More bottles of wine (opened)...

Tequila Jello Shots...

It's good being a drunk. *LOL*

baking time

2006-12-23T02:11:00.000+11:00

Add A Little Sweetness to A Sad Life...

In the midst of toiling over some preparations, I decided to make some cookies. Being me, it's impossible for me to make cookies that are normal shaped. And since I like teddy bears, I decided to make my own tiny teddys - chocolate chip ones!!!!

Some dough and a cute cookie cutter

Pale little bears sitting in the oven getting a tan...

Baked till they look like Super Chocolate Bears...

The one lonely heart I shaped by hand with the left-over dough...kinda like my heart; a little burnt but hopefully still salvage-able.

to love and always lose

2006-12-22T21:35:00.000+11:00

Oprah Winfrey once said that "If a man really wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay."

But what if you've tried your best and still it isn't enough? Logic does suggest that a person should like you for who you are. But it's a great hurt when even your best is not enough.

Relationships are hard. Attraction or even love is not enough to make it work. Mutual attraction with only one party working overtime to make things work will still never be enough.

Through all the hurt, he still holds that place in my heart. But I guess it still was not enough.

To love and always lose... It's the same old story with me.

a girl's right to bling

2006-12-22T01:43:00.000+11:00

A Girl's Right To BLING...

I'm totally loving late-night shopping at Chadstone. All the pretty stores under one roof and they all close at midnight because of Christmas! Don't you love abject consumerism? I do!

From Aldo to Wittner to Myer...all the lovely shoe shops that furnished me with my bling-bling shoes... Cynthia thinks I'm mad. I can only explain it with a shrug and the comment "What...I'm Asian. Of course, I love bling everything!!!"

And of course, the Ultimate BLING status symbol: A BLING-BLING RING. I'm loving my new cocktail ring. If only it was from Harry Winston's...I wish! But I still love how massively bling it is. It's so deliciously vulgar. Teehee...

A Girl's Right To The Bon Vivant Life...

Of course, a girl's right to bling includes her right to the dacadent life of luxury and indulgence... Therefore, I bought myself this amazing Frangipani candle from SugarBaby (Loving the name already!) which comes in this totally bling box. It'd be a good addition to my little table of candles... (as pictured below)

After my brother left, I took my coat rack out of my room and put it into his room which is now my walk-in wardrobe! In its place, I put in a little piece of glamour and R&R...behold, my candles table!!!! The drawers are crammed with my jewellery. Hee hee. It's a little treasure chest!

Speaking of spoiling one's self, nothing beats that except if SOMEONE ELSE is doing the spoiling. Tis the season to be giving and there's a lot to be said for generous friends. My darling friend, Starvi was very generous to buy me this Jo Malone perfume. It's NECTARINE BLOSSOM & HONEY. It smells absolutely divine!!!!!! I was dying to buy it for myself but was saving up cos' I had other stuff to buy. But Starvi, the darling boy, spoilt me not just with one bottle but a smaller version to carry around in my bag. Oh, the Sweetheart!!!!!

I'm a happy girl...Tra la la la.

the end of us

2006-12-17T03:10:00.000+11:00

You'll never touch him again so get what you can
Leaving him empty just because he's a man
So good when it ends, they'll never be friends
One more night, that's all they can spend

One more night, the end should be a good one.

sandeep

2006-12-13T22:12:00.000+11:00

I haven't blogged in awhile. There have been things that have happened of late that I've been struggling to come to terms with; things that I would normally blog about but I haven't been able to.

Sometimes in life, it is good to be a gracious loser and disappear quietly. I thought of that option because it was a safe one. But I think at the end of the day, it is the heart that decides and not the mind. Even if your mind and everyone else is telling you that you're making a mistake, the heart sees what others may not see and if your heart has made the choice, then whether or not you choose to persevere, will be a measure of your commitment.

I chose the road less travelled, and I don't regret it. I know that it is not an easy road. There will be pain and there are those will get hurt. But I still choose this path. The first cut is the deepest and the first cut happened a long time ago. I am in (too) deep and while there are those who will call me stupid, I have decided to fight for what I believe in and want.

To the victor be the spoils, it isn't over.

2006-12-05T00:28:00.000+11:00

Who you think you can trust... will lie to you
Who you think you can rely on ... will leave you in the lurch
Who you think is a good person ... will rip your heart out
Who you think will stand by you ... will pick someone else over you

Who you thought you could love ... doesn't deserve your devotion
Who you thought would be good to you ... didn't give jacksh*t about you
Who you thought was your friend ... will turn out to be worse than a foe
Who you thought was worth it ... is worth as much as a broken promise

I gave all that I could because I thought you were worthed it.
I gave because some of you is better than none of you.
I gave to try and make the most out of a mistake.
I gave simply because I'm me.

In return... you've caused me to become beyond broken.

happy 21st birthday, janice

2006-11-24T11:30:00.000+11:00

Happy 21st B'Day, Jan-Jan!!!!!!

My darling Jan-Jan turned 21 on 22 November. To celebrate, she had an awesome Mexican bbq with loads of good food and alcohol. Hmmm...

I have no idea why Eric looks so serious...

Sitting at the boozy table...

The beautiful cake(s)...Cool, there's a face cake!

Wishing upon balloons...

The birthday girl and I... or is it my fiancee and I? I asked Jan-Jan to marry me and she said yes. Haha. Nah...just kidding. I bought her a gorgeous ring for her birthday.

The Random Out-takes

2006-11-24T02:00:00.000+11:00

The Random Out-takes : Silly Mexican Hats

Oversized egos and hence, large heads or farmers from the rice-fields?

Mark's impression of a...gerbil????

Janice and I wanted to try out being padi farmers...

I decided I'd rather be a lady from the past and wear a bonnet instead...

Janice thought it was a good idea too...

sam lee- lately

2006-11-22T03:44:00.000+11:00

You’ve been silent lately
What happened? Why?
Is there something that’s making you not happy?
I heard that lately you’ve been feeling lonely
A little distracted, a little confused.
But I can’t be by your side

Love is what you want…
But I can’t my all to you
What I can give…
Isn’t what you want
We’re not suited but we refuse to give up
How many times have we hugged each other
Fighting the tears?

We’ve tried making excuses that it’s always
Hard in the beginning
But I believe it was never meant to be before
It even started
I don’t want to continue like this or hurt anymore
Someday the path of love will be better traveled

-"Lately" (Sam Lee)

I've been feeling really low lately and Fern actually sent me a song that pretty much describes what I feel. It's not exactly the same but the feelings are there...

cooking fest

2006-11-21T21:26:00.000+11:00

I have been struggling to fill my time since exams ended. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the leisure time, I just can't sit still for the life of me. So Sunday night, I was bored and decided to start cooking.

One sleepless night ended in this...

I made (from top; left to right) Nashi Pear Sweet Soup, Bread and Butter Pudding, Mississippi Mud Bear Cake, Beef straganoff, Chicken-flavoured rice, Chicken Meatball Stew, Black Pepper Beef Pie, Chicken Chinese Dumplings, Herbal Chicken and, Pumpkin, Pinenuts and Mushroom Risotto.

Here's the lucky person who got all the food. Sandeep got greedy and polished off one of the bread and butter puddings and decided to try the meatball stew before he got home.

And here's one of Sandeep's talents...Taking self-portraits. OMG...my face is massive. Eeks.

I hung out at Sandeep's for awhile taking in the sun. He's got a massive backyard. Hmmm... But then he still had to study, so I went home. I needed to start cooking for my dinner with Sami, anyway. Sami decided to come visit "His" couch because he was convinced I wasn't treating it right...

On my way back driving on Sydney Road, I saw three accidents. It caused a bit of traffic jam so I didn't really have much time to cook. Thank God Sami is serially late. Anyway, I made him Hainanese Chicken Rice. Don't you love the faux-Japanese place setting though?

And here's me and Sami testing the self-timer on my camera. It took me ages to figure out. I know, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, Sami and I had an awesome night. We watched some tv, walked around the city and saw the Wombat Divine display at Myer's. Then, we went back home, vegetated on "our" couch and watched Sex & the City till 1.30a.m. It was really good. At some point, I got so comfy that I fell asleep on Sami for awhile. Haha.

And I'm so proud of myself. I drove Sami home without getting lost. So there, Sami! *sticks tongue out*

2006-11-19T20:30:00.000+11:00

New Sunnies

The weather has been odd in Melbie. It was really cold a couple of days ago but thankfully, we're now back to proper summer weather. To celebrate, I bought myself a new pair of sunnies. (All THANKS to YVIE who had a 30% off voucher that enabled me to buy my Versaces...) Well, I bought a new outfit from Sportsgirl as well (Cream top and Taupe shorts and a red hairband) and diamante ribbon hairclips from Alannah Hill. It's been an expensive day...

Well, sometimes retail therapy is what a girl needs to get over a broken heart.

i'm falling in love with you

2006-11-16T00:09:00.000+11:00

I was believing in you
Am I mistaken
Do you say, Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby dont you break my heart slow

You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

I need you now more than ever. I need for you to be strong for me: to give me your shoulder to cry on. But I'd never tell you because I never want you to be obliged. I want you to love me the way I love you. But I will never force you to. I want to tell you but pride will never let me show you the emotional wreck that I am. I wish you could see. See inside my heart.

I want more from you but I need you to give of your own accord.

tears

2006-11-13T22:14:00.000+11:00

Today...

You saw my face crumble up
and the tears leaking out my eyes
You laughed and thought I was joking
But the pain was real

Not for the reasons I told you
But for the deep wounds within my heart
I lied to cover up my vulnerability
And now you think everything's ok

It's not...

I thought I could be strong and
Play the player's game with you
It seems like I'm winning but
I'm losing it inside

It's not the first time and it
Won't be the last...
I wish you could (would) offer more
Not all, just a little bit more

Love me a litte more
Show you care that bit more
Can you ever love me the way
That I deserve to be loved

when stressed, bake

2006-11-13T01:55:00.000+11:00

When you can't eat or sleep...there's always baking.

I baked a batch of White Chocolate Chip Cookies. It's a new recipe.

And knowing someone's penchant for sweet things...(AND someone's selfish greedy nature. *LOL*) I made a giant cookie just for someone...

Here's a picture of it compared with a giant stapler, so you can ascertain the size. The plate is the size of a dinner plate....

Oh, gawd...I need some sleeping pills.

massive vodka OD

2006-11-11T14:00:00.000+11:00

Thou shalt not over-imbibe vodka, especially crappy tasting SKYY Vodka.

It's been ages since I've had a big night out. The days of opening bottles at clubs seem like a distant memory, heralding back to my undergraduate days. In any case, last night sparked a revival in which a bunch of friends and I had a table at Beach Club (I know, I know...what were we thinking?) and a bottle of SKYY and a bottle of CHIVAS.

I only had about a glass or so of CHIVAS in all. Being a dance maniac and the fact that half-decent music was playing on the dance floor, I was pretty much subjecting alot of unfortunate people to my version of dancing i.e. manic gyrating. By the time I got back to the table, the CHIVAS was pretty much gone (the bastards...but you have to grant that they have good taste) so I pretty much had to stick with the SKYY which was pretty damn nasty.

In any case, I definitely got my money's worth with all the SKYY-chugging I did. As testament to the fact, I did have a little trouble negotiating the stairs down the entrance of the club and I did fall out of Steve's car. In my defence, I didn't realise that Steve's Audi TT had a low suspension and so I miscalculated the distance getting out of the car. I mean, seriously, nobody would actually want to fall out of the car unless it was an accident.

All in all, it was fun. For one night, nothing else mattered but having fun in the present.

the sweetest thing

2006-11-10T02:50:00.000+11:00

Mistakes happen.

Sometimes we mistake self-control for a lack of interest and plunge ourselves into bouts of misery. All for nothing.

Never underestimate the power of temptation. Half the fun is in breaking the rules.

I've learnt that it's best not to tell me that I can't have something. It brings out the wilful streak in me; my mild interest turns into obsession and I'm all but consumed by a need to "command and conquer".

Even the sweetest thing can be anything but nice...Black as sin, just as sweet.

the rules of the game are...there are none. to the victor be the spoils.

black black heart

2006-11-07T22:53:00.000+11:00

I know that these feelings won’t end .
They’ll just get stronger if I see you again.
Baby I’m tired of being friends.
I wanna know if you feel the same
And could you tell me do you feel my pain?
Don’t leave me in doubt.

Patience is a game,
and every night I say your name,
Hoping that you'll answer
'cause I'm going insane.
It's quite along time ago ,
You brought me out of control,
Hungry for your love and
like I know what that might be

Teasing was the thing and now
I just can't let it go
meeting you was something
no-one else needs to know
I guess I'm thinking of you,
like I would know what to do
when I found you,
but I don't have got no clue

cry

2006-11-06T19:42:00.000+11:00

It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever I do will never be enough.

Today I sat in the darkness, the silence drowning me. With the tears pouring down my face, I knew that it's breaking me.

worth waiting for

2006-11-04T22:39:00.000+11:00

Life changes and new leaps are made in evolution everyday.

You've taught me that in Life, there are just too many things that we can't plan for. One chance encounter, and the resulting events have blown my carefully-planned schedule to smithereens. No order, no idea. Just seizing the opportunity when it comes along.

One decision that changed my life and suddenly, there are people in my life that I would never have met otherwise. I've met some really good people and made some fantastic friends. My life is full...but I've never felt so alone.

You once told me that you can't deal with tears. That if you were to cause a girl to cry, you would walk away. I bit my tongue till it bled; wondering how I should tell you that you've already made me cry.

At the end of the day, you can wait for someone to realise that they're in love but you got to decide if that person is worth waiting for.

mr mindfucked

2006-11-02T15:23:00.000+11:00

Dear Friend, (and I really stress the word FRIEND)

I've never met such a contradiction of a wussy-cum-chauvinist. Honestly, your arrogance and selfishness is unrivalled but yet at the same time, you have the most issues I've ever seen anyone have. Let's be honest here. You do truly deserve the title of "Mr MindF*cked".

In the beginning, it seemed that I would be the one that would bog this arrangement down with my emotional issues. In an interesting twist, all the "conversations" we've had have been initiated by you. Distrust much?

Then again, I am emotionally-stunted...But it is still vastly amusing to me that all the problems we're having is on your side and not mine. It's oddly...empowering.

As much as you hate to admit it, I'm getting under your skin. You can be arrogant and lie to cover up your weakness by saying that you're just distrustful but sweetie, let me tell you, I'm getting to you emotionally.

*SMIRK*

And the winner of the playing the player's game contest is...Me.

what else is there

2006-11-02T12:26:00.000+11:00

What Else is There?

It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights out,
but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn't see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads end getting nearer
We cover distance but not together

I am the storm I am the wonder
And the flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions
I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I've got a golden ear
I cut and I spear
And what else is there
Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have a flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

There's no room where I can go and
You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

2006-11-02T01:19:00.000+11:00

Joaquin Miller once said, "That Man Who Lives For Self Alone, Lives For The Meanest Mortal Known".

I'm boggled by the complexity and contradiction that is you. But what continues to amaze me is how selfish and stubborn you can be.

I truly wonder how you could let selfishness blind you to the point that you would shut out any chance of true happiness just because you say you don't want to.

And on the other hand, how insulting are you being to me? Your actions and your words just tell me that you don't trust me and that you don't think I'm good enough.

I know I have issues. But I think I've found someone who's more mind-f*cked than me.

2006-10-31T19:18:00.000+11:00

Begging does not become me. It does not become anyone. And I'm ashamed to say, that I have fallen into that trap. You're a very selfish person and I'm relatively selfless.

I promised I wouldn't let your selfishness hurt me. That I'd learn to stand up for my wants and needs. But I guess I've been compromising too much and letting you get away with many things. Fair enough, you've made attempts to be more considerate of me but it still doesn't cancel out the shabby way you've been treating me.

To be honest, I've been really accomodating of you. But right now, I'm pretty f-d off with your behavior. And you know what? I'm not going to stoop to your level anymore.

Get F-d.

number one

2006-10-30T19:23:00.000+11:00

I wake up everyday and kill myself with my perfectionist behavior. I think that by out-performing everyone, I'm good. But I know that it is actually my fear of failure that is holding me back from my true potential.

On the surface, I appear to be:

Confident
Strong
Out-spoken
Focused
Self-Assured

But I am none of the above.

Under all the dramas, there is just a confused girl still trying to find her place in the world and who she truly is. I'm just good at hiding the tears behind a smile.

I needed you to put me before her. But you're too selfish to do it because you think I'm strong enough to handle it. Honestly, I'm not. And I kick myself everyday for telling you "in honesty" that I can.

You won't read this but I wish I could tell you that I wanted to be No.1 in your heart.

party brazillian-style

2006-10-29T04:06:00.000+11:00

Daylight savings has ended and we've now lost an hour.

It is Day Four of my sleepless nights. I just got back from Eduardo's 30th birthday party. I have to say, Brazillians really do know how to party. I had so much fun talking with friends and making new ones as well. They're really affectionate as well. Saying 'bye' to everyone meant having to kiss everyone goodbye. And I got a lot of big hugs. This guy who I didn't even talk to wouldn't even let me leave unless I gave him a kiss goodbye as well. Apparently, that's just Brazillian custom. You have to kiss everyone. Hmmm....

I enjoyed drinking with friends both old and new; had girly talks with my "big sister", Claudia, Candida and Rita. I think one of my highlights was actually seeing Candida with Steph together for the first time. Their happiness just makes me wanna burst with happiness.

It's also been an ego boost. Claudia was scolding me about my self-esteem issues and even got a Brazillian male friend of hers to judge me on a scale of 1 to 10. Apparently, I'm 8/10 (9.5/10 if I take my coat off). Claudia was judged 6.5/10 which pissed her off. Oops. I also got rated 12/10 by Candida and Claudia. Claudia was also telling me that her boyfriend said that if he wasn't with Claudia and so in love with her, and he had to choose an Asian girl, he would have picked me. Awww...So, I'm thinking, maybe I should move to Brazil. haha. I've also realised that when you're really not looking, the offers start pouring in. One of Claudia's Brazillian friends was hitting on me all night. Although he's a nice guy and I enjoyed talking to him, I just did not feel the chemistry. But brownie points to him for trying.

And so it was another late night for me. It's now 4a.m and I still waiting for my hair to dry. Bleh.

in lust with a latino stud

2006-10-28T19:15:00.000+10:00

I'm in lust with a Latino Hottie...

Presenting Mario Lopez:

beach club

2006-10-28T16:54:00.000+10:00

Today is Day One of Exam Hell. Instead of swotting like mad, I've done SFA.

I haven't been sleeping much of late due to assignments. In fact, I was sleepless on Wednesday and Thursday night because of my stupid assignments. Thankfully, my ordeal ended yesterday at 5.40p.m when we handed in our marketing research report. Yay!

Now, a logical person would have gone home to crash and burn. Now, as you all know, I'm rarely logical. So I happily decided to be a glutton for punishment and went clubbing with a friend instead. What was supposed to be an early night turned into an early morning as we left the club only when it closed. By the time I got to bed, the damn birds were starting to chirp.

I have to say that it was fun to have a night out with Rox, Ollie and Tina. What was not fun were the sleazy guys who came onto me. I had my ass pinched, a couple of guys grabbed me and some who tried to dirty-dance with me. But the worst was definitely the guy who tried to dirty-dance with me despite me giving him the cold shoulder. Persistent guy that he was, he just wouldn't give up and he was a bit "too interested" if you get what I mean... Euuuueeeeeeeeeewwwww.

Four years in Melbourne, and I've always been ignored in clubs but last night, I just turned into a sleaze magnet. Jeez. It's not as if I was all skanked up or anything. In fact, I went out of my way to be stand-offish and cold. It definitely lends credence to the belief that guys do like bitches. Incidentally, last night made me realise how old I am because I had so much fun sniggering at the antics of the club skanks. Haha. That' s how long it's been since I went clubbing.

Oooohh. And not to forget: Thank you, Nina, for the lovely company at dinner. It's been ages since we caught up. We'd have to do it again after exams. XOXO

missing you

2006-10-24T22:23:00.000+10:00

Some days I'm broke inside but I won't admit it.

Emotionally crippled but I'd never walk back down that road again.

6 degrees of separation

2006-10-22T22:13:00.000+10:00

The World Is Shrinking...

Or rather, this whole 6 degrees of separation thing is getting freaky. I went for a friend's birthday dinner treat this evening and although I've met her boyfriend before, never realised that he is the older brother of an acquaintance, P. I met up with R and her boyfriend, M, before heading to the dinner venue and we were waiting for another guy, J. Now, J's name is unusual for a boy, and so I wondered if it was the same person. Lo and behold, it was! Now, J is someone I went to high school with and he is friends with B, who is a friend of mine and the childhood friend of my really good girlfriend, J.

To add more confusion to the mix, R's boyfriend's, M's, younger brother, P, is going out with C, who is friends with another friend of mine, N. And I met knew N because her sister, also N, was my senior in high school. To make things more interesting, J, B, P and M all know my best friend, E, because she was going out with their good friend, D, for awhile.

And now I know why Friendster, WAYN, Facebook and all those similar websites are so popular. The world is shrinking. You can run but you can't hide. Everywhere you go, you'd meet someone who knows someone else you know. Eeps.

flea patrol's new clothes

2006-10-20T00:07:00.000+10:00

FLEA PATROL

Some of you unfortunate close friends of mine have had the (dis)pleasure of seeing the ratty old bunny that I've had since childhood. Well, you guys will be pleased to know that my ratty little bunny has new clothes.

Behold:

The Old Flea Patrol

The New Flea Patrol: Pretty in Pink

office christmas party

2006-10-19T23:33:00.000+10:00

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY: THE EIGHTIES

So, my company being a tight-arse one, decided to have their christmas party on tuesday, 17th october...it's a good night for the company because it's early enough that they haven't hired the christmas casuals and hence, they have lesser people at the party and it's Tuesday, which means it's cheaper to hire the place. Fair enough there was more drinks for the people who did turn up but with the lack of spirits, it really was not much of an alcohol fest.

Now, the company's been exploiting me for about 3 months now, so it's only fair that I get my free drinks...So if you're asking if I turned up for it, the pictures says it all...

A few of us from the CBD decided to get ready together at my place and here are the results:

This is my fave picture...Garth and I dressed as "BOY GEORGE" and Kim Wilde" respectively. My make-up is so tragic! Pink and blue eyeshadow and orange blush with red lippie. Yuck.

This is me with Katie, who's dressed as CYNDI LAUPER. Check out the mad hair and make-up. She even tie-dyed her own jeans!

This is Emma and I. I'm sure you can tell who she is. It's scary how much like ROXETTE she looks.

Last but not least, here's Beth dressed as JENNIFER BEALS from Flashdance. OMIGOD...look how big and scary her hair is...

Tashy went as MADONNA but I don't have pictures yet...Sad. Anyway, Emma, Liza and Katie went down to buy some food while we were getting ready and someone in the lifts asked them what party they were going to and Em said dead nonchalantly, "Nah. What party? We always dress like that."

BWAHAHA.

i belong to me

2006-10-13T10:18:00.000+10:00

Oh yeah
It's not that I dont wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't want to have you in my life baby
it's just you gotta know that its got to be right baby
before I open up my heart to you
I dont need somebody to complete me

I complete myself
nobody has got to belong to somebody else
I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me
I gotta let you know before I let you in baby
that who I am is not about who I am with baby

That don't mean I dont wanna be here with you
I do
I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know I give all my love but
I'm not givin' all my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yeah
Love don't mean changin who you are to be
who somebody wants you to be
nobody has got to belong to nobody

clearing up my mind

2006-10-13T01:13:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, it takes the perspective and insight of someone of the opposite sex to clear up any insecurities that one may have. In my extreme tiredness, I got to thinking some pretty insane and far-fetched thoughts. In typical girl-fashion, I indulged in an insipid case of self-flagellation that had no grounds.

Why did I torture myself wondering why I was not good enough to go out with him when the truth is, it could be a supermodel and he would still be incapable of commitment. The funniest thing is that, I don't particularly want to go out with him either. So, it all boils down to the issue of self-confidence, of which I seem to be sorely lacking of.

I don't need a man to validate my existence.

At the end of the day, if I had kept myself free from these idle negative thoughts, I would have realised that my life is fulfilling as it is with my work, uni, family and friends.

You know what...He doesn't matter that much anymore and I feel great.

The anorexia of my soul has changed to liberation. I'm not hung up anymore.

Thank you, Sami. I owe you one.

A woman's downfall

2006-10-11T23:30:00.000+10:00

A woman's downfall is that she will always be felled by her emotions. From what I see amongst most of my friends and acquaintances, the girl will always love the guy more than he loves her. A woman can say that she will not allow her emotions to rule her but she is lying or living in denial. At the end of the day, she will not be able to separate the emotional from the physical and she will end up hurt.

A woman's tears can make a man feel bad but it cannot guarantee that it will make him do something to make up for the tears he has caused her. I remarked to a friend that it takes a right woman to change a man but she corrected my assumption with the addition that it takes the right woman to make a man OPEN to changing.

And I wonder how long I'd last in this game. Because I think at the end of the day, my heart's too soft to play the consummate player's game.

power bitch

2006-10-09T22:07:00.000+10:00

I am a power bitch.

I know that he doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Yet, I want him to like me more than I like him. Because I want to be in the position of power. I want to know that I come number one in someone's heart.

But wishes are just that. I know that the way things are, it's not going to happen. At least, not now. So then, maybe I should just lower my expectations and say "F*ck it".

On a random note, here's an "arty" picture of me. I've been told it looks scary. Ahaha.

the wrong thing

2006-10-08T02:01:00.000+10:00

BETH'S ENGAGEMENT

Beth's engagement was a blast. There was a lot of champagne and heaps of good company. I actually got to hang out with the people from work properly. Normally, I can't do that because at work, there's that invisible line between managers and staff. Having worked at all three CBD stores, I know my fair share of work people and managers. I'm just glad that my manager's engagement gave me time to bond with some really wonderful people and to also show them the real me, and not the perception they have of me based on how I look. :)

Darling Tash and I at my place - getting ready after a full day at work!

Darling Tash (cuddling Lutik) with Sweetie Ralphie... My fellow PPTs at Swanny!

Beth - My Manager whose big night it was tonight!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, HONEY!!!!

And this is my DEAREST, DARLING SWEETHEART, GARTH - the whole reason I'm with JeansWest. Love ya, hun!

Emma, Me and Lydia - Managers at Bourke and Melbourne Central.

The abundance of champagne made me really friendly - a good and bad thing - but it also made me very honest. Now that the champagne haze has gone, I've started to wonder if maybe rather than helping things, I may have actually done something wrong by being honest. I don't do things to deliberately hurt people but sometimes, I wonder if honesty is worth the hurt.

I know I bared my heart tonight. I just don't know if it was the right move to make. Because I've put myself in a position that is extremely vulnerable.

joyce's wedding part 2

2006-10-02T22:48:00.000+10:00

JOYCE'S WEDDING PART 2

The Newlyweds

Jo Khoo and I

Annie and I

Jo, Jus and I

Yvie, Me and Shing Fuh

men

2006-10-01T23:43:00.000+10:00

OPRAH ON MEN
(courtesy of Fernie)
===========================

If a man wants you, nothing can
keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing
can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man
and his behavior. . Allow your
intuition (or spirit) to save you
from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself
for a relationship that's not
meant to be..
Slower is better. ALWAYS.
Deal with your issues before
pursuing a new relationship.
Never live your life for a man
before you find what makes
you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because
the man was not treating
you as you deserve then heck
no, you can't be friends.
A friend wouldn't mistreat
a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he
is stringing you along,
then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think
it will get better. You'll be mad
at yourself a year later for
staying when things are not
better. The only person you
can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch
of children by a bunch
of different women. He didn't
marry them when he got
them pregnant, why would he
treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of
friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how
a guy treats you. If something
bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's
behaviour. Change comes from
within.
Don't EVER make him feel he
is more important than you are...
even if he has more education or
in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more,
nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man .
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat
on you.
A man will only treat you the
way you ALLOW him to treat
you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing
all the bending... compromise is
a two way street.
You need time to heal between
relationships...
There is nothing cute about
baggage...
You should never look for
someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two
WHOLE individuals...
Look for someone
complimentary...
not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't
turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
when a man always know where
you are, and you're always
readily available to him
- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who
doesn't give you everything that
you need.
Keep him in your radar but get
to know others.

================================

Joyce's wedding

2006-10-01T22:24:00.000+10:00

JOYCE'S WEDDING: SEPT 2006 @ WINDMILL GARDENS, MELTON

Me and Wency

Kor and I before the ceremony

Yvie, Cyn, Me, Nina and Sarah

Baby Samuel (Yen's baby)

The Gwees: Tsih Ern, Me and Kor

falls creek photos part 2

2006-10-01T21:44:00.000+10:00

FALLSCREEK PHOTOS PART 2

Me and Princess Pansie aka My mazda 3

My brother and I at Hamilton's lookout on the drive home

Waiying and I goofing off

Literally falling in this picture
The seven of us at dinner at the Astra Lodge : Stephen, Vina, Anthony, Melvin, Chuan, Waiying and I.

torn

2006-10-01T21:08:00.000+10:00

A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be
here with you
and everytime I think that
we're over and done
you do something that
gets me back lovin you
and you got me just torn

Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that
I should leave You alone

He didn't make me a promise and I didn't make him one either. We didn't plan it. It just happened. And now he wants me to give him two weeks to clear his head. Ironically, this time apart has the opposite effect on me - I'm distracted when he's not around.

I should appreciate that this time alone he needs is because he values our friendship so much but I think on some level I feel like I've been rejected. I hate that I've become so dependent on having him around that it's not quite the same when he's not there.

At the end of the day, I have to decide if I want to continue along this vein with someone who is selfish to the point that I will never come first with him, especially in lieu of the baggage he comes with.

Because I know I can only fall deeper.

The million dollar question is: how objective can I be and for how long? For now, I just want to take things as it comes and go with the flow but it's not a state that may last forever.

to sandeep

2006-09-30T20:46:00.000+10:00

To you:

I know them other guys,
they been talking bout the way I do what I do
They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true
They know you're the one I wanna give it to
I can see you want me too
Now, it's me and you

It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me if you like it
It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me how you like it

I was waiting for you to tell me you were ready
I know what to do, if only you would let me
As long as you're cool with it, I'll treat you right
Here is where you wanna be

Baby, tell me how you like it
Baby, I'll love you all the way down
Get cha right where you like it,
I promise you'll like it - I swear -
Just relax and let me make that move
It's our secret thang
Keep it between me and you
It's me and you, now

and you know that

I can love with all of my heart baby
I know I have so much to give
With a player like you, I don't have a prayer
That's the way to live

BUT you make me feel like you're just playing me

Boy you know all the right things to say
You know it's just too little too late
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway

Ooh no
Come with me, stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do you expect me to say
You know it's just too little too late
You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy you know your beggin don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game
So let me on down

Although I know it's not a brush-off and I should respect that you value our friendship that much, I just can help feel the way I do and I wished you felt the same

Feeling all alone without a friend
you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me

Because right now I honestly just feel that

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that’s worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with
I can’t see much of a future
Unless we find out what’s to blame
What a shame
And we won’t be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

falls creek: pictures part one

2006-09-28T15:46:00.000+10:00

FALLS CREEK: DAY TWO ON SKI SLOPES

Steven and Chuan swapped ski gear. Guess Steven isn't that great at snowboarding. hee hee.
Me sitting on top of the hot tub in our balcony. I love it when I get it to myself during the day.
Waiying, Melvin and Anthony...
Trying to snowball each other...
Me on the slopes. It was terrible having to climb back up the mountain on foot.

heartbeat

2006-09-27T23:42:00.000+10:00

I was lonely only I didn't know it
I was so sad only I didn't show it
You came like the sun breaking through the clouds
And I found you're what I couldn’t live without
With you
I feel the other half of my heartbeat
I'm complete
In you
I hear the other half of my heartbeat
That's all I need
No I didn't know what I was missin'
Oh my baby since we've been kissin'
Oh I can feel the other half of my heartbeat
It's so sweet lying here with you
You'll look at me and I see my reflection
You understand who I am needs protection

falls creek

2006-09-27T16:22:00.000+10:00

It's day 2 in Falls Creek and the weather is awesome. Granted we actually hoped that the place would be covered in snow, but I still think it's great. It actually feels less cold than if we were in Melbourne city. It's sunny out, there's a slight breeze and the air here in the mountains is really, really fresh.

Yesterday's 6 hours drive up actually went by pretty quickly and smoothly. We were actually worried if there was any snow because the drive up was so hot! Thankfully, a quick trip up the mountains on the ski lifts (really fun by the way) showed us that man-made snow can make for good skiing.

I know I'm a lazy arse for not joining the rest at their skiing but I had the entire apartment to myself and the whole hot tub. Ahaha.

I'm loving it up here.

the unexpected

2006-09-25T21:15:00.000+10:00

In life, we all plan to lead our lives a certain way: We make rules and bound ourselves to them; a self-inflicted moral measure that helps us to wake up each morning and tell ourselves that we are good people.

The problem with making plans is that nothing lasts forever; plans change as circumstances do and like that old adage: Sometimes when you search for a dream, you lose it along the way and find a better one.

I think that in my life, one of the things I've learnt to embrace as an adult is learning to adapt to the circumstances. I have never been a huge fan of "going with the flow". I am someone who enjoys order, structure and a long-term plan/blueprint of how to lead my life.

Recently, something happened that made me change my way of thinking. For no particular reason, I gave in to the urge/impulse to go with the flow regarding a significant decision in my life.

And I have no regrets.

Carpe Diem.

fully sick

2006-09-20T19:44:00.000+10:00

I am one very sick person. (And I mean it literally.)

Being such a weakling, I managed to catch the viral infection that's been going around due to the change in weather. Working in a service environment doesn't help either as I'm in constant contact with people.

In any case, I got sent home early from work today as I looked really sick and the doctor has put me on two days' sick leave as she feels that my exhausted state is not helping my condition. I haven't had so much free time in ages and I feel a little guilty lying in bed. But to be honest, I do feel terrible.

Still, there is a plus point to this, all that congestion in my chest means that my gag reflex is in overdrive...All this throwing up (No, I'm not pregnant as my brother joked) means that there will be resulting weight loss. Yeah...

Sleeping time...ohhh, those pills are strong.

a good dinner

2006-09-20T00:10:00.000+10:00

It's been ages since my last dinner party...so I took advantage of my off day and had a dinner tonight for some friends - Yvie, Cynthia, Jo and her boyfriend (Robin) and Sandeep came to dinner.

I started with a bed of baby spinach and rocket salad with balsamic vinagrette dressing with chorizo sausages; blue cheese, prosciutto, cantaloupe and a breadstick hors d'oeurve and enoki mushroom wrapped in shabu-shabu beef with a sweet soy mirin sauce.

That was followed by Poached Nashi Pear stuffed with minced chicken in a spinach and shitake mushroom broth.

The final course was my trademark prawn curry with bread. Hee hee.

We decided to skip dessert but went straight for the lychee martinis. Hmmm. Everyone loves an alkie. Ahaha.

It was a really good dinner in that everyone got along and had a good laugh with each other. I'm glad all my friends got along so well. *GRIN*

off day

2006-09-18T19:06:00.000+10:00

I've been working so hard lately, that I've forgotten what it means to have an off day - one day that you can sleep in till late (or later, in my case) and not actually have to run around in a frenzy trying to do as much as you can in one day.

Today, I actually had an off day. After working six days a week and going to uni as well, it felt surreal to not have to work.

It's been a good day. I got to spend it with a really good friend. We ate; talked; he followed me around while I said "hi" to everyone in all three CBD stores; shopped (I bought a pinny and collected my new jeans - which are a size 12!!!!!!!).

Generally, we had a SFA day and it was awesome.

if the smile's not meant to be

2006-09-18T12:37:00.000+10:00

the city feels clean this time of night
just empty streets and me
walking home to clear my head
i know it came as no surprise
i'm affected more than i had
guessed on what was said

if the smile's not meant to be,
if the heart's not ready to open
if we make it i won't see it's broken

it's the quiet time before the dawn
and i'm half past making sense of it,
was i wrong?
should i claim to give it all in a world
where not much ever seems to last long

tsih ern

2006-09-15T01:01:00.000+10:00

I know GOD is the way, the truth and the light. I know that I should cast all my cares onto Him because He cares for me.

But I also think that GOD gave us free will for a reason. Telling someone to seek God first is not wrong but you cannot think that it is the fail-safe answer/solution to everything.

I believe God gave us friends because He knows as humans, all we need is a listening ear sometimes. I know GOD will answer my questions in His own time when he feel it's the right time. And I'm fine with that. The questions I ask God and the answers I seek, it's all in my personal relationship with GOD. No one should be able to dictate to me how I should go about developing my personal relationship with GOD.

And I'm so frustrated that in my bid to open up to a friend, she has only turned me off with her inability to listen; her pushiness and her need to turn the focus on herself.

But whatever, I'm so over it. Now I know who I can't talk to.

debunking the myths of money

2006-09-13T21:26:00.000+10:00

An interesting article sent to me by my father via his secretary:

Debunking the myths of Money

The truth is that many of these beliefs and attitudes that somepeople hold have about money are nothing but inaccurategeneralizations and excuses that keep them from living a truly ahappy and wealthy life. In order to truly align your mind to wealthcreation, you must debunk these negative myths and really look atthe facts...

Myth:
Having a lot of money will change you (into a bad person).

Fact:
Money is a personality magnifier. It brings out the trueperson within you. If you are a selfish and nasty person by nature,having money will make you even more nasty and selfish. However, ifyou are a kind, generous and loving person deep down inside, moneywill magnify your goodness.

Myth:
Money isn't everything.

Fact:
This is the top excuse given by poor people who are indenial. The truth is that everything is money. Without money, youcannot maximize other important values such as family, career,health, spirituality and relationships.

Myth:
Money will make you less spiritual

Fact:
If you are by nature a spiritual person, having money willallow you to touch more lives and help you do more of god's work.In fact, the wealthiest people in the world are extremely spiritual. Not having to worry about money anymore allows many ofthe rich to focus on the more important things in life. Many truly wealthy people believe they don't own their money. They are justcustodians of God's wealth.

Myth:
Rich people are materialistic. They worship money.

Fact:
It is the people who lack money who worship it. Who works allday, year after year in a job which they hate, just for the money?Who are those who constantly sacrifice their health and family tomake more money? In fact, the rich rarely work because of money. They work becauseof passion and a sense of personal mission. Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, George Lucas, Michael Jordan & Steve Jobs certainly don't work for money...they don't need to.

Myth:
To have more money, I will be depriving others of it.

Fact:
When you become rich, you actually create more wealth forother people. Wealth multiplies into more wealth. Bill Gates is therichest man in the world because he has created the most value inpeople's lives through the creation of Microsoft and Windows.Because of his invention, so many more millionaires have beencreated as a result. Think about it, if Microsoft Windows, Word andExcel did not exist, would you have been able to create as muchwealth as you have today?

Myth:
Money is the 'root of all evil'.

Fact:
The lack of money is the root of all evil. The number one cause of murder, cheating, stealing, lying is poverty (the lack of money)

2006-09-12T21:39:00.000+10:00

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again

It'll never end
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
Feels like I'm drowning I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying And you don't even care

I realise that it does not really take much to cross the fine line from happiness to sadness. Maybe it's the weariness building up inside of me but the good day I had today, evaporated quickly as night fell. The lightness I felt in having a day off from work was rapidly replaced by a heavy feeling that weighed down my heart.

Having a chai with Yvie; going in to my old workplace to have a chat with Garth; lepak-ing with Jo and her sis, Mary...they all created an intense bundle of joy within me. But all so quickly, the feelings dissipated.

And I marvel at how easily I can get depressed. Feeling crap about an academic report marked low; the exhaustion in dealing with group mates who do not contribute; juggling a happy work environment with office politics and muddling through the sad state of affairs that is my personal life.

I need someone to hold onto when the goes gets tough. But I've just reached the stage where for once, alone does not equate lonely for me. I'm reading "Captivating", a spiritual book for women, that I borrowed from Tsih Ern. I think in the process of reading, I just become more aware of the heartache and difficulties of struggling to be a female in the modern world. What was supposed to make me feel better has me struggling to breathe.

Maybe I just need sleep.

you seem so innocent

2006-09-12T00:04:00.000+10:00

How you doing young lady
That feeling that you give me really drives me crazy
You don't haveta play about the joke
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand
I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you,
you seem so innocent

Chivalry is dead
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
So does everybody else

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know

If you with it girl
I know a place we can go

What kind of girl do you take me for?

Everytime I think about Garth's first/initial impression of me, I want to laugh...How in a million years could I be quiet, sweet, innocent? Ok, the sweet yes but innocent and quiet????

Oooooh....Stephen's moved to Bourke Street now!!!! I get to close with him on Thursday. Yay!!! Darling Stephen!!! Who's going to run up the stairs of the store just to pinch me on the cheeks and tell me how sweet/funny/cute I am... *SIGH* It's not the same even if Stephen promised to pay Ralph to do it.

beautiful

2006-09-10T22:22:00.000+10:00

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing

On hindsight, I don't know if what I did was right or wrong. The glow of happiness lasted just that little while. In retrospect, the insecurities start eating at me.

distraction

2006-09-10T19:33:00.000+10:00

There's somethin' 'bout me that you oughta know
I've never felt the need to lose control
Always held on back and played it slow
But not this time
Baby, don't be gentle,
I can handle anythin',
Baby take me on a journey
I've been thinkin lately
I could use
A little time alone with you
Crazy, let's do something maybe
Please don't take your time
You've got me right where you want me

A little distraction is all I need right now.

ALBA FAN CLUB LAUNCH

2006-09-10T00:26:00.000+10:00

Today was my second last day at Melbourne Central. It's kinda sad. But we had the Alba Fan Club launch today and it was really awesome because Stephen, Garth and I finally got to spend quality time together!

After work, Stephen came over to mine's to get ready and we had the best fun ever having drinks, chatting and getting ready. Garth, my fellow alkie, came along and we had MORE drinks. We caught up with Nyssa and Alice and got to Boutique for more drinks and the launch.

I had the best time ever talking to my work mates outside of work (sorta). Sandeep came along as well and it was really good because we hadn't seen each other in ages!!!!!!! Something really good happened as well but that's not going to be mentioned here. haha.

I'm kinda sad that I'd be leaving Melbourne Central but on the bright side, Garth and I can now meet up without it being frowned on because techinically, we don't work together anymore. I'm really going to miss my boys, Garth and Stephen. It was really touching to hear Garth say that he's going to miss me so much and he had hired me because he loves me and he's really sad that I'm leaving. Plus, he told me to call anytime if I wanted to go for drinks.... Awwwww...

job promotion

2006-09-09T01:26:00.000+10:00

It's been really busy and stressful for me of late. I've been working about 30 hours a week - doing about three shifts a week at Melbourne Central and pulling shifts at the Bourke Street store as well. All this and studying full time. It's also been assignment week, so I've been really, really stretched for time.

In any case, today while working at Bourke Street, my manager called and asked for me to come see her for a chat after work. Boy, was I freaked! I had no idea what was so urgent...And it was really sweet of the Bourke street girls to say that they'd have me if my manager didn't want me.

Anyway, what happened was that I got a job promotion and a transfer. From now on, I'd be working at the Swanston Street Store in the capacity of a permanent part-timer. It basically means I no longer get to work at the concept store with the lovely Alba fan club range and my boys, Garth and Stephen (I'm really going to miss Stephen!!!!!) plus I get paid slightly lesser and have a 5 shifts/week restriction . On the other hand, I do get fixed hours. It also means that I impressed my manager and her boss that much that they wanted to keep me; a girl who had started work earlier than me had to be let go. OMG!!!!!! I just realised it means I finally get a name tag of my own! I'd no longer be just a team member; I get one with "DAWN" written on it...excellent!!!!!!!!! (Ok, i'm lame) I also realised I no longer have to work with that disgusting indian guy staring at me from across the store in his magazine stand. Wahahahahahah

Off to bed with me now. I had dinner with Eric and Janice before, and we caught JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE...now I'm so tired and I have to work tomorrow from store opening to closing.

Nites

2006-09-07T23:02:00.000+10:00

The warmth of a hand held...

Walking through a crowded room, the first time you grabbed my hand before I could reach for yours, in case I got lost. When you didn't let go later, I knew then, it was happening... All through the night, I was so conscious of my hand enveloped by the warmth of your larger hand; my heart was beating so fast. It felt scary, exciting and yet kinda right.

The tenderness of an embrace...

Seeing your face after being away for awhile; talking and laughing the night away. The reluctant dragging of feet as the night came to an end; when you held on that few moments longer when you hugged me good night, I couldn't breathe and I could feel it blooming in my heart... Walking to my door with my back to you, careful not to let you see the smile that couldn't stop spreading on my face. The first tinglings were rushing through me.

The sweetness of a kiss...

Never expecting that things would really come to fruition and that you could really have fallen for a girl like me. Going out for the first time as more than just friends. A heart filled with anxiety, exhilaration, happiness, anticipation and uncertainty...Wondering. Wishing. Waiting. Wanting. Not knowing what will happen, if it will happen.

Tiptoeing around you, not sure how to act. How much has things changed or have they changed at all? Just when I was lost, you caught me in a moment just like many others in our friendship... When your lips brushed mine, I felt my heart skip a beat and I knew: everything was going to be alright.

The fragile heart that still holds on...

You never learn how precious the little things were till they exist only in the bittersweetness of reminiscence; a yesterday that can never be returned.

2006-09-07T17:55:00.000+10:00

It was all just a silly misunderstanding... Thank God.

I was getting increasingly upset because I didn't know what the hell was going on. Glad it's sort of sorted out.

This is why it's so important to communicate.

the dash

2006-09-06T23:02:00.000+10:00

http://www.thedashmovie.com/

Memento Mori.